“I’m fine, We’re fine” is a commonly used phrase on my team. We use it to make jokes, in moments of laughter, light anxiousness or nervousness, and sometimes in surface fears. So mostly in a light-hearted, humorous way…
Month two was all squad month, which means all 36 of us (F-squad = 30, plus leadership = 6) in the same city working alongside each other in ministry. We all stayed in our orginial teams for ministry throughout the community, but when at “home” for the month, at church worshipping or helping with cleaning and/or construction, all of us were together. And I was doing fine….until I wasn’t.
Walking into all squad month I felt comfortable and confident, both individually as well as with my team. Team Haven was coming off a difficult first month, and it created such a unique bond, a sisterhood, where we will laugh and sometimes cry when reminiscing about our time in Cote d’Ivoire together.
****Sidebar: (Fast forward…while having team time just two nights ago we discussed the forced intimacy and vulnerability, and not in a negative way, but genuinely out of survival mode, created a level in which we had to rely on one another [and Jesus, obviously] that only in circumstances such as this could a bond be created in such a short amount of time….)****
Upon completing month one, each team traveled their way back to Accra, Ghana where we spent 4 days (February 14th – February 18th) as a full squad, and our entire leadership team for what’s called “Debrief”. A time where leadership pours into us spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. We go through lessons to further advance us all the while pouring into us so we will be well equipped and refreshed as we enter into the coming months. And Team Haven had such breakthrough and growth as a team and seemingly individually from what we obtained.
But as I reflect on last month (February 20th – March 16th), all squad month, located in beautiful Sunyani, Ghana, Africa, I know more often than not, I used “I’m fine, we’re fine” in…well, as the punchline goes, “denial isn’t just a river in Egypt”.
There were many struggles I faced throughout the 25 days together…I was consistently overwhelmed by doubt and anxiety. I’m not sure if my insecurities and fear were as evident to anyone but me and God, but instead of surrendering each one over to Him, I did all I could to stuff them down, distract and cope, creating a false and temporary sense of “calm” or “I’m fine”.
When my insecurities told me I wasn’t good enough, I pushed it to the back of my mind.
When others around me were discouraged, I gave lip service of encouragement without applying my own words.
When someone said something hurtful, I stuffed my frustration.
When I wasn’t pursued or invited, I didn’t feel important so I isolated and looked for distractions elsewhere.
Only in retrospect did I realize evading my feelings was a poor strategy. I thought I had them under control, but the reality was I didn’t have them managed at all. My emotions ended up manifesting in ways that just masked the issues. And because I wasn’t handing them over to God or listening to what He has to say about me or my feelings, I not only isolated from my team and squad, I isolated from God at times. The issues were never addressed, discussed or dealt with, so I continued to believe the lies that were stuck in my head because I didn’t allow Jesus or anyone on my team/squad in or to speak truth and life over me.
As I’ve processed through some of my personal struggles, I come up for air in absolute awe of my King. Even though I felt all of the above, and failed to stay as close to Him as I ultimately desire, as always, He has been and will continue to be faithful in every single step. And to see His faithfulness in the midst of my lack of obedience, brokenness, insecurities and doubts, is the reason why HE, JESUS, and ONLY JESUS, should get all the Glory!!!!
To Be Continued…..In the next blog, I have some incredible, and for me, life changing examples of His faithfulness during all squad month.
As always, thank you so much for sharing in this journey with me. The continued support and prayer is more encouraging than you’ll know.
In Christ,
Emily Cate
