I'm realizing why fellowship is so important. A few weeks ago I was craving independence, but now I'm craving spiritual support. I know that this is where I am meant to be, here in Italy. Although, part of me just wishes I went back into America with everyone else on the squad, was living in my hometown and had all the support of my friends and family back home. Instead, I am somewhat alone in Southern Italy, facing the trails of Europe to meet backpacker's and tell them about Jesus. That's can be hard. I want to be a missionary for the rest of my life and this is the real deal experience. This is the time God is going to break me, in different ways than I was broken on the World Race, to prepare me for Argentina. So far, He's doing just that.
Along with this idea of 'truth', I'm going to take a moment to declare that I want this blog to be as truthful, open and honest as I can make it. Where there is light, darkness is not. Every ounce of light you can shed on a subject, the better it is going to be. So, I have a confession. I am fascinated by different kinds of alcohol. The complexity and art into making the craft wines, beers and liquers are so interesting, the health benefits of red wine, the way they react with the body, the care in which they are made, aged, drank, etc. This is mostly why I chose to work at a vineyard in Italy. However, alcohol was something I used to struggle with. Not in a sense that I was an alcoholic or anything, but I used to party and abuse alcohol in college, sometimes way too much. The past few years of my life though, I have been learning my limits and started hating drinking too much. This past year I was great with only having a glass and felt like I could still appreciate the beverage, without drinking too much. Well, a few nights ago I got drunk. We have a small glass of wine with every lunch and with most dinners, it's cultural and standard in Italy, but a few nights ago our one glass turned to two, which turned to three and so on. It is so easy to keep going, I found, and woke up sicker than a dog the next day. I felt so awful. I felt more like a college kid at a frat party than a 25 year old, God fearing woman, living in Italy.
Honestly, it took a lot to muster up enough guts to write this blog and tell the world about this.
I know that if I keep the moments when I fall to myself, that Satan will just keep egging away at them. Discouraging me in my character and encouraging me to continue walking in my sin. Well Satan, no way.
I've been reading Genesis the day I was sick I opened up to Genesis 3. "Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’? ” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’” “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”" I related so much to Eve at that moment. The enemy's #1 tool is deceit, he takes somewhat truths and twists them and he is so crafty at making complete lies believable. I kept seeing alcohol as interesting, artistic, beautiful and completely ignoring the fact that I struggle with it. Satan kept telling me it was okay, that I just one glass is fine, that I'm just appreciating it like anyone else and all of Italy is doing it. I was really good at justifying along with him.
All in all, I've decided to give up alcohol. While I'm here in Italy and France I am still going to do the sips for the wine tastings, but not even a glass for lunch or dinner or anything else for that matter. Luckily, getting so sick the day after has made alcohol sound absolutely awful to me and is making this decision easier.
I would rather live for Christ than drink wine, and honestly, that is all it comes down to.
There is a rap part of the song Truth by Alexander, where RZA exclaims "truth is the language of God, for it is He who created it." I may have been listening to lies about my character and how much I grew while on the World Race, but truth is the language of God, not Satan. I know that I am a new creation, separated from sin and cleansed by Christ's sacrifice on the cross. I know that Christ gives a way out of temptation and a lot of times it's hard to choose it. The day after drinking I also listened to a podcast from Solid Rock church about Paul's time ministering to the Philippines. At moment's where he was faced with death he stepped into the Lord's presence, he chose Christ. Paul didn't believe lies from the local people, get swayed by popularity or fitting in, he didn't care about worldly things. He knew that choosing Christ is ALWAYS the victorious choice and it didn't matter if people mocked him, hurt him or even tried to kill him. Gosh, so encouraging and so convicting.
I've realized how hard it can be to be on your own and not surrounded by 42 amazing people encouraging you and speaking life into you. It's not me depending on them for truth anymore, it's me depending solely on Christ. I think it's so good to break away from that, I didn't realize how much I was using my squad as a crutch or how much they assisted me in my strength. It's so much easier to minister to strangers, surrounded by fellow missionaries sent out to do exactly what you are trying to do, but if I am to be an effective missionary for Christ, then I need to stop depending on other people's strength completely. These are the things I need to learn before I can start the hostel in Argentina or even work in Argentina come January. I'm grateful God walked me through learning about resting in Him and nothing else before I left the World Race, but I still need to learn to trust Him more, to hold strong to my faith and convictions in every circumstance and to be transparent about my shadows.
I don't want to relate to the first few lines of Alexander's song anymore, I won't let shadows overcome the light Christ shines through me.
One last thing about truth that struck me before I end this horribly long post. As I mentioned in my last blog, I've been reading Donald Miller's book, 'Searching for God Knows What', and read a really interesting story. When Maya Angelou was 8 years old, she was raped by her mother's boyfriend. She told on him, he went to jail and shortly after being released was beaten to death by the local men for what he did. She felt so guilty for his death that she quit talking for years. It wasn't until her mother stopped her on their way to town, looked her in the eye and said "Baby, you know something? I think you are the greatest woman I have ever met. Yes. Mary McLeod Bethune, Eleanor Roosevelt, my mother and you – and you are the greatest." At that moment she let in her mother's love and the reality that she is a person with value. Far from the girl living in fear and silence, Maya later presented one of her poems at President Clinton's inauguration. She recited compellingly
clearly, forcefully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny!"
** Also, for those of you not going to look up the lyrics to the song, he says "every lie in this world comes from divided" not from "the Bible", like it sounds. Just to clarify, I know it sounds that way anit might offend some people, so I wanted to make sure!
