Many people have asked me about the highlights of training camp. And many times I don't know how to answer. I still have trouble putting the experience into words.
But I do know that in the midst of early mornings, crazy sleeping arrangements, "interesting" food, smelly people (me included- I only showered once:) and lots of fun with new friends, God spoke to my heart.
It was a week of breakthrough, freedom and faces that have become family.
Walking into training camp I felt like an outsider. As I wandered through the clusters of colors, new faces, many hellos, I was overwhelmed. I felt that my presence, my voice, didn't matter. And in a sea of passionate, expressive, ready to go World Racers, my mind was stuck on one thought:
"I don't know if this is worth it."
My hard hearted questions continued into that first evening. And that night doubt flooded my tent. The next morning I was greeted by a breakfast of fish head soup. This did not help my bad attitude.
That afternoon we went to a session on grief and were asked to get into groups to share about what we have had to let go of and grieve in our lives. After I had shared a little, God started breaking down my walls with one question:
"Do you believe you're worth it?"
I couldn't speak after my squad leader, who I had just met, asked me this. There is so much of me, my heart, my struggle tied into this question.
In my past, being broken hearted has left me questioning if I'm worth being pursued by a man. Losing friends has left me wondering if I'm worth the investment of friendship. Being quiet has made me question the value of my voice. Committing to the World Race has made me ask if I'm worth people donating to my mission. The first morning at training camp I believed that it wasn't worth being there. Countless times, I have questioned my worth.
That same night we had an amazing time of worship. As the band played How He Loves Us someone came over and started praying for me. Right away, she put her hand on my heart and said:
"God wants you to know that you're worth it."
The Holy Spirit broke my heart with his love in that moment. He broke through my heart's hard exterior of doubt and lack of trust. He chased away fears with his love.
"You're worth being pursued with his love. His perfect love."
From that time on, throughout the week, my heart was soft. It was open to his voice and his presence and love. It was soft for the people around me. It was alive with a new found freedom.
He gave me freedom through his love that week. A freedom to be who he has made me to be. He gave me freedom through dance parties (I love to wobble!). Through laughter and fun and new foods.
Through giving up what's comfortable (aka sleeping arrangements). Through people speaking into my life openly and often. Through mornings of peace and nights covered by the Father's presence.
I was worth his love pursuing me.
I AM worth his love pursuing me.
Because he loves me.
He loves me.
One night in the middle of the week our squad of 50 people went camping. I think this was my favorite night of training camp. After overcoming getting to our camp site by the lake, building shelter and cooking dinner, we all sat around the fire together.
As everyone sang worship songs, I looked around the circle at each person's face. I was again overwhelmed. This time though, I was overwhelmed with love for each of them. And then, sitting there, I was struck with a truth:
"Each one of them is worth it, too."
Those faces became my family that night. We are brothers and sisters being taught our worth through a Father who loves us.
I heard so clearly:
"I love them."
I felt so clearly:
"I love them."
Later in the week I was asked to be a team leader on the Race. They allowed some time to pray about the decision and I immediately went into the woods and cried. True story. As I sat there crying I could feel the battle stirring in my heart. Fear and lies attacked the freedom and truth that I had been experiencing all week.
I was afraid that I wouldn't do a good job leading. I was afraid that I didn't have a voice. I was afraid, as I have been before, that I wasn't worth it. I was afraid.
As I sat there, this verse that had kept repeating itself in my mind all week came to my heart:
"I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control."
And then, again:
"You are worth my love."
As I sat there, I felt God's perfect love casting out my fear. I will be a team leader next year. And I know that the Lord is already using this experience to continue to teach me about his perfect love casting out fear and remind me that my worth is in him.
We have a team of six girls! Team: "Rooted Waters." Each of them has already been used in my life to teach me about God's love for me. I could not be more excited to spend next year with this team.
One of the last nights in worship I was again struck with the assurance of worth. But this time it was the assurance for every life that I will have the privilege of encountering next year on the Race. I heard:
"They are worth it."
"Every orphan, beggar, widow, missionary family, prostitute, bus driver is worth my love."
"Show them."
I am overwhelmed, again, thinking that we, my teammates, the people of the nations, the people that I will and won't meet in my life, my family and friends, me and you, we're are all worth it because of our Father's love for us.
As I continue to process training camp, I keep feeling like this is only the beginning of the story. This Race, this year, my life, it's only the start of experiencing true worth and true freedom through my Father's love.
It's just the beginning!
*photos by fellow World Racers!
