Have you ever had one of those moments when you throw back your head and cry,
“God, I’m just a person! And I don’t know what to do. And I need you in this moment!”?
Malaysia was a place full of these moments for me. It was my most challenging month. One that brought me to Jesus’ feet on a pretty regular basis.
I was in three different locations throughout the month: Pangkor Island off the coast, the small village of Kuala Krai and the city of Kuala Lumpur.
To kick it off, we had our month eight debrief on beautiful Pangkor Island. It was one of the most tropical places I have ever been. Our days started with monkeys jogging on our roof, jolting everyone out of bed. Toucan-like birds swooped overhead as we walked to the beach. Coral and shells lined the ocean floor, making my first time snorkeling pretty amazing.
Although there are always some pretty incredible moments sprinkled in, debriefs, for me, can be really challenging. While it’s a time for the whole squad to get together and recharge, for the squad leaders, it’s a really busy week full of meetings, decisions and a lot of late nights. This debrief, in particular, was intense.
It was a week that I faced a lot of fears.
I was challenged by my fellow leaders to talk more in front of the squad and lead more corporately in addition to the comfortable “one on one” setting that I thrive in. Talking in front of people has never been my strong point. In college I blacked out when I had to do a presentation on Eudora Welty. It was not a good situation. BUT squad leading has pushed me into trusting my voice- God’s voice through me- more than I ever have before.
So I stood up there more confident than ever, threw my head back and prayed,
“God, I’m just me standing up here. And I need you more than anything else.”
Not only have I not blacked out this year when talking publicly (yeah!), I was excited when I got to talk to the squad. I truly believe that the Lord used my voice this year in a way that he never has before.
During this debrief I also was able to help lead worship on the piano, which I never had done before. Even though it wasn’t the greatest musically (on my part), it was one of my favorite nights of worship. The first song was terrible- I barely played because I messed up so bad. But during the second song I lifted a quick plea.
“God, I don’t know how to do this well. Help me just play what I can and remember that it’s not about me.”
It was so cool to get over myself, set aside my fear of what people think and serve where I could in the moment. Playing for worship is harder than it looks! Thank you to all you worship band people out there!
One of my funniest/scariest moments happened this week too.
One day, due to being stranded with my friends on the wrong side of the island with only a van with manual transmission, I faced my fear of driving a stick. People drive on the left side of the road in Malaysia and the steering wheel is on the right side, so it made for a bit of an extra challenge.
All was well until we hit a hill; the van shook, stalled and started rolling backward down the mountain. Seriously. Terrifying. I think I screamed it out that time:
“God, help!”
Long story short I backed the van down the hill to get some momentum and tried to power up… seven times… in fifth gear. A big shout out to Paul, Jess and Kristen who trusted me with their lives that day.
I never did make it up that hill on my own. We only made it up and over thanks to Edgar, the Malaysian man who graciously stopped, got us up the hill and taught me that fifth gear is not for more power. Low gears= hills. Now I know.
Thanks, Edgar.
Even though this was a challenging week full of, “I’m just a girl” moments, it is one of my favorites on the Race. God met me in each instant and held my hand, helping me to face fear with faith, a little courage and a few guardian angels along the way.
