When I was young, I was in Sunday school, vacation bible school and pretty much all the church programs available for little children. But being so young, I obviously didn’t really get why I was coming to church other than to be with my friends and have fun. I didn’t understand all the Bible stories. I mean I knew them and I could tell you about them, but they were just stories I knew, but they had no meaning or purpose other than for my entertainment. So when I grew a little older, and I had more of a choice about going to church events, I chose not to attend. I still saw my friends when I wanted I still went to church on Sunday. You know, I was still a “good kid”. However Church and God and the gospel still didn’t really mean much to me. I still didn’t understand it very well. I knew God loved me. I loved God. I knew God was in Heaven and I knew that that’s where you wanted to go and that’s basically it.
When I was 11, I went on my first mission trip. I cant remember if I wanted to go or if my mom made me but either way I am so thankful I did because that was what I think of as the real beginning of my faith journey and when my relationship with God started to become more real. This was when I began to see God working in my life and in the lives of the people around me and I began to have the drive to learn more and know more and understand more. About a year after that I think was when I started going to youth group and participating in more.
Towards the end of middle school, I began to really struggle with depression. I don’t really like talking about it, so I’m not going to go into much more detail other than the fact I kind of fell off with going to church and participating. I didn’t really trust God or know what I fully believed in and I had problems just understanding why I was here in the first place. I stopped going to church and I really stopped going out in general simply because it was so mentally and physically exhausting. I lost a lot of friends at this point because some days were good and some were bad and some days I could fake it and some days I couldn’t. I imagine it would be exhausting for people to try and figure out how I was going to be on a given day. But the opportunity arose for another mission trip and at this point mission trips were honestly all I looked forward to.
When I was 14, I went out of the country for the first time, on my first international mission trip and it completely changed my life. I know that’s super cheesy, but it really did change everything for me. I went on the youth mission trip to Nicaragua – I was the youngest person that went. I reconnected with God I was able to work through a lot of the things I’d been going through just in my own mind. We worked in an orphanage up in the mountains and I saw things and met people that kind of wrecked my world. God really wrecked my world on that trip but he also helped me overcome a lot of the things I’d been dealing with.
Obviously you know poverty is real and you know it exists, but for me it always existed somewhere else. It didn’t affect me. I didn’t know much about it. I never knew the extent of it. I’ll be honest, in my 14 year old mind, that never bothered me. But on this trip, all of a sudden I was surrounded by it and sleeping next to it and meeting the kindest and most loving people who were living in situations they had no control of. And somehow in this little town in the mountains, I found love and purpose and my life felt like it had meaning and purpose. I felt that I was where I was meant to be in that moment.
It rained every night in Nicaragua and the night before we left was no different. The next morning, we got up and said our goodbyes and began on our way to the airport. We are driving down this dirt road to go back into the city and I looked out my window and there’s a woman about my mom’s age in the street. And because it had rained all night, she was out in the street washing her clothes in a pothole that had filled with water and then was laying her clothes out to dry on some rocks. I don’t know if anyone else took notice of it, but that really bothered me for some reason and it stuck in my mind. It made me further realize how extremely blessed I am. It made me think of my family and my life and put into perspective that I could be washing my clothes in a pothole had I simply been born somewhere else. And that really messed with my mind. I began to think about the kids at the orphanage that I’d been with all those past days and I remember thinking their lives would be just like mine if they had been born somewhere else. I realized that I was a chance away from living in poverty. By the grace of God, I’d been born in Greenville, North Carolina and not a slum in a third world country; and honestly, that was the only difference between these people and me. When I came home, it took me a while to readjust- I cried a lot, I thought a lot, I prayed a lot, I asked a lot of questions. And one of the things that I really had trouble with was living here, knowing people are living in poverty and children are in orphanages and children are living on the streets and there’s a woman somewhere washing her clothes in a pot hole and I didn’t understand why I seemed to be the only person bothered by that fact. I realized a majority of the people around me were like I was before that trip and they thought of poverty as simply being somewhere else and because it was somewhere else it didn’t effect them and they weren’t bothered by it. And I don’t mean to sound like I am condemning those people or judging them because I was the exact same way but that’s simply the way it is for many Americans they have a “somewhere else” mindset.
But I believe this was a major way God was working in my life and helping me to see that no matter where someone is in the world were all the same. We all have the same dreams and struggles and joys and sadness the only difference is that some of us are somewhere else and that somewhere else has made the difference in our standard of living. I realized were all the same to God- God doesn’t love me more because I went on a mission trip, God doesn’t love my mom more because she has a washing machine and a woman in Nicaragua doesn’t, God doesn’t love anyone more or less than he does anyone else so why is it so hard for us to realize that. Why is it so hard for us to realize we are the exact same and loved the exact same as a person living in a slum a million miles away.
Throughout high school I’ve continued to have problems with depression. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety disorders which I’ve struggled with more than anything I’ve ever had to. I struggle with trusting people, God is no exception. I struggle with letting go to trust Him and trust everything will work out. I question God, I get frustrated that I don’t understand God, and sometimes I wonder if He’s even there. But the one constant for me has been my church family and God and the one thing I do know is that God loves me and you and everyone the same. He loves me despite my faults and despite my bad days and despite all my worries. Thats why I feel called. If God loves people that unconditionally and without judgement, then that is what mankind should at least be trying to do. Thats why I am choosing the race instead of a normal path. I know I probably wont change the world or end poverty or anything but I know if I can show someone the love god has showed me and help them to feel that and know that god loves them unconditionally then that’s a difference to someone and that’s enough. So if you remember anything from me or my story, know how much God loves you but also know that He loves everyone just the same and that fact is enough for you to make a difference no matter how small it may be.
