It is hard to gather into concise thoughts all that the Lord
taught me last month. It’s tough
to ask questions and not fun to relive dark moments. I have mentioned
to teammates over the last week I am just beginning to process all the emotional
darkness, and intense internal struggle I overcame. I am being stretched, challenged, and molded like never
before. While in Oenpelli, I found
myself having some of the most honest daily conversations with the Lord that I
ever have. I actually allowed
myself to ask questions that I thought were completely selfish.
I kept wondering why battles and frustrations were not dealt
with before I came on a pilgrimage where I would be the one sharing the gospel
and proclaiming the name of Christ.
Were the truths I proclaim actually ones I believed or just “how to’s” in life that had been engraved in my mind by others? If I was going to live for the Lord I had better figure out
more about who He is. Honestly, I was so frustrated to even struggle through this.
God, are you really faithful?
Do you really grant your children the desires of their hearts?
This mentality is that of a skeptic. An analytical part of
my flesh that I find is revealed when everything around me is completely
unfamiliar and uncomfortable. When
everything I felt I thought I knew seemed to fade away I quickly began to
question.
God, are you really on my side?
This mentality is the part of my flesh that is full of
judgment, control, and pride. The Lord desires for His children to be faithful on a wilderness
journey even if we feel like He is not there. There are not many times that I have had to fully trust the
Lord in my life. The first night I
was in Oenpelli was one of them. I
struggled trusting where the Lord was taking me. I asked for it… HE ANSWERED,
HE TOOK ME TO UNCOMFORTABLE PLACES AND IT WAS HARD. I WAS NOT OKAY WITHOUT HIM. I kept saying I am not sure I am
ready for this God. Laying on the floor, in a tick covered outstation, unable
to breath, packed in with seven teammates and little to no air ventilation was
rough to say the least.
I LET FEAR CREEP IN AND IT GOT THE BEST OF ME.
What have I gotten myself into?
