Some Dead Flies & Lots of Lies.

 

And I am a beautiful mess.

Me. Yes, a beautiful mess. I said it, quite the oxymoron.

I do not want to be a sob story or a weak person, so I hide behind
walls until I feel safe.  So, from
the outside…I seem okay. Truth is, I realize I have never acknowledged
brokenness as a healthy place to be. 
I have convinced myself it is acceptable for others to be broken and
receive grace, but for some reason I don’t allow myself to make the cut. Maybe
being aware of this and confessing it verbally is another step towards freedom…
a step in the right direction.

I keep asking the Lord, what am I doing here?  Why are you calling me and using me,
when I am a wreck.  When I am
fragile…  maybe He knows it is the
only way I will grow.  He has to
transform me from the inside out. He wants me to know I can’t do this on my
own.  I can’t save a broken world,
when I am crumbling. I can’t be free when I listen to lies.

 For a long time, band-aids have patched up my wounds.  These bandages have been only temporary
fixes. Temporary fixes that work
for a short time. I am done settling with the patches and I have come to a
place of desperation for the Lord. 
I am calling out to Him – seeking His intimacy, desiring for my cracks
to be filled with more of Him and less of me. I desire to discover this on my
own instead of listening to what everyone else says about His love, I am
stubborn like that.

 I have never fully understood inner healing.  I can tell someone else to let the Lord
be the lover of their soul, but struggle believing it myself.

 Honestly, true healing will have to start from the inside
out. I have been putting it off for a long time because I do not want to go
through the process.  God is
saying, now is the time. Stop putting it off. This is the most important thing.

 I thought most of my mess was behind me. No, still some work
to do! I am sick and tired of being a victim of my own distorted lies. These
lies are like flies that consume my mind, swarm around me and pollute the great
plans He has in store for my life.  I block out His voice and have a victimized mentality.  It is a sick cycle.

I am not destined to be a victim.

 What lies do I hear? 

 You are not worthy. 
You are not accepted. You are quiet. You are shy. You are timid.  You are anxious.     You are unlovable.  You will always be alone. You are not
enough.  You are a
disappointment.  You are never
enough. You are second choice.  You are rejected. You are not acceptable.

 God wants me to replace each of these lies with His TRUTH. God
knows I am stubborn.  It takes a
lot for me to get it.  Last night,
I was lying with my face on the floor, by the altar… desperately needing to
hear Him.  I didn’t hear Him…  instead, in His sanctuary, His holy
temple… He didn’t tell me – He showed me that my lies are like dead flies.    He literally showed me… a dead fly.

Really, Lord? 
Really? 

 I think I get it. See I am a visual person, God had to show
me a visual for me to understand. He said what I am listening to is warped and
it is consuming my mind. My twisted lies will keep me lifeless and death will
overcome, but His TRUTH alone will bring me life and set me free. So, I confess
this cycle of destruction has been a part of me for far too long.

 Who has formed these lies?

 Mostly, I have.

When you tell yourself something long enough, you start to
believe it.  I am not surprised
that the Lord is calling me to be vulnerable and transparent before you. It’s
exactly what I have asked for. As I share this – I am uncomfortable.

 My prayer is I would become raw with my community.  I pray I would not filter my thoughts
and stay in a safe place. This safe place is where I have victimized myself for
a long time and it isn’t doing me any good… it’s more like a cop-out because
facing the lies and discovering the truth might actually be a process.

A process that seems somewhat daunting, but it has to be
worth it.

Starting over again… taking baby steps is something I want
to rush through.   It is challenging my patience to have to
walk this out daily. It is time start listening to the truth about who I am in
Christ and stop the cycle of self- doubt and insecurity.

I will start with three.

I am the daughter of a King.  I am loveable. 
I am acceptable.

God is taking me to the wilderness, the bush, in Owenpelli, Australia,
in a few days… to spend some more time with Him, a place where I can be raw and
vulnerable in a community… obviously, it is still very needed. I believe this
will be a place where I will hunger and thirst for Him more…

 I pray He will speak clearly and I will listen and believe
what He says is true.    

I desire to be TRANSFORMED FOREVER.  Not temporally, but eternally.

Transparency and exposure are not safe.  It is not easy.  It’s real hard.

 But, I desire more of it!