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Last night, I wept.   Weeping tears of raw pain, triumph, sadness, and
rejoicing.

It was FREEING.

This morning entails writing with a painful headache…the
aftermath of choosing to suffer in silence.  For some reason, I struggle with living in COMPLETE FREEDOM.   Call me crazy, I find it to be a
difficult thing. Instead, I often convince myself that I am better off just
being bound by chains.

WRONG CHOICE. 

In my attempts to claim my pride and strength, I had formed
walls.  Walls that I wanted to keep
up.  Walls proving that I was not
weak. Unsure of what it might be like to see and feel them crumble.  They were a safe place to run to.  A CRUTCH.

There is NO VICTORY when you feel WEAK AND ALONE.   Instead you are like shattered glass – remnants of forcing
out the love of others.
BROKEN. BRUISED. CRIPPLED.

As I sobbed in shambles… the Lord spoke to me through the words
of my brother and sister.  They covered
my heart and compassionately shared words of TRUTH and encouragement.  The big sister, a pile of Ragamuffin
mess… sat weeping on the floor.  
In my complete brokenness – there was FREEDOM.

Healing is a gradual process that doesn’t take place
overnight. 
                                                  Transparency allows you
to experience community like never before.

They didn’t run away – they listened.

Revelations took place; I confessed my open wounds had
brought pain to others lives. They did not want me to suffer but they did not
know how to help.  I was letting my
cycle of destructive thoughts silence me. 
It was ruining relationships.

HIDING IN FEAR IS NEVER OKAY.

I tried to run away from the pain. Literally, closed the
door and turned off the lights. 
Again, I was choosing to suffer in silence.  BAD CHOICE.  It
was like I was dreaming.  Then,
they waited and consoled.  Voices
were telling me, “No, don’t open your mouth- you need to suffer in
silence.”  These three words have
crippled me to the core.

I finally demanded to be VICTORIOUS.  I begged my spirit, “PLEASE
SPEAK.”  I spoke.

The Lord desires for me to be FREE and win the BATTLE of
these tormenting thoughts…Claim them.   Take them CAPTIVE. 

Before serving others, I needed to help myself.

 THERE IS VICTORY IN SHARING YOUR HEART. VOICE YOUR FEARS AND
PAIN. NEVER RUN FROM VUNERABILITY – IT IS BEAUTIFUL THING.

We are told to LOVE. 
Last night, I was loved – MORE THAN ENOUGH.
                                             MY HEART REJOICED. 
I CHOOSE TO CONTINUE TO SEEK FREEDOM.
                                           They loved their sister, I wept.  I sing and praise the Lord, he has blessed me.
 
          “Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth; break forth, 
O
mountains, into singing! 

                                                                         For the
Lord has comforted His people.”

                                                                                                                                    –
Isaiah 49: 13