Grace- the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and bestowal of blessings
As I sit and type this post in school, I can’t help but feel slightly guilty. For years of my life, I have dreaded and loathed spending 6 hours a day in this awful building. But now, here I sit 4 years later wishing I could slow down time. Rewind. Go back.
Why though? Why am I all of the sudden feeling nostalgia? Why do I miss something that once caused so much pain?
This has been on my heart for weeks and after lots of thought, I think I have finally come to a conclusion. As God prepares my heart for this new step in faith, He’s been making it more and more difficult for me to move on. Everyday I wake up more eager to do something impactful for my family, my friends, my school, before I leave. I look back on all the time I spent on useless things and meaningless problems. I could have done so much more. I could have let Christ use me so much more. Instead I was selfish. I worried about only me. My plans. My dreams. My mission. So I feel guilt. I feel shame. But I am now aware that I shouldn’t. See, it all became so clear to me now. I had to be selfish for awhile. I was selfish so that now I can go and be selfless. While I don’t adore my high school career, I do love it. I love it because through it I found not my mission, but Christ’s mission for me. In these next 208 days (yes, only 208 days till I leave!) I know Father is going to continue to test me. It’s almost as if I am dying. I know that analogy is quite extreme but bare with me. I am ending my life of selfishness and shame. My old life, my old ways are dying. So Christ is replaying my life in my mind to me. It’s honestly like one of those corny movie montages. But it makes so much sense. He’s showing me all the good and the bad that have come before. He’s changing me. Transforming me. I am not the same person I was when I started this journey. I have learned a lot, cried a lot, prayed a lot and loved a lot. Through it all He has showed me a glimpse of my new life. A new family ( the best squad in the world ). A new mission. A new Emily.
I know there are many more trials and tribulations to come, but I’m ready. I’m ready because He has made me ready. He has equipped me with all I need. All I need is Him.
He has not let me down and He never will. So for now I obey.
God Bless,
Em
