When I sat down to write this I had a hard time figuring out where to start. What would I talk about? There is so much unknown. I stared at my blank blue screen until I felt my fingers begin to slowly type the phrase “But I still don’t trust you.” A flood of emotions ran through my body. “But who don’t I trust?” I asked myself. I trust my parents. I trust my friends. I trust my team. Who else is there in my life that I can trust?
And then a collision of every doubt I ever placed in God hit me. The one and only person that truly could earn my trust was the same person I struggled to give it to. The person the breathed life into death. The man who conquered fear for the victory of joy. The one that gave His all so I could have it all, was the same man I had feared to give everything to. For almost 6 months now I have been giving tiny pieces of myself to Jesus. I would throw in a little fear here, a little anxiety there. But there was one thing I could never surrender. Pieces of me were thrown together in this pot for God. No matter what I threw into the pot I always made sure I kept control. Control, was the one word I wouldn’t give up. Control was my secret weapon. My super power of choice. If I gave it all except control then really I didn’t have to give up anything. Twisted logic, I know. But you see this is all a part of the refining process. It happens when we continue to dig for maturity in Christ. There are always parts of our life that require growth. This was mine.
And it all came down to the fact that I still didn’t trust God. I didn’t trust Him to provide financially. I didn’t trust Him to provide a boyfriend. I didn’t even trust Him to provide safety for me. My need for control had led me to miss out of the freedom Christ was offering me. The freedom to trust.
So yes, this is still a work in progress. Jesus is letting me take baby steps. He’s a good father that understands what I need and promises to provide it. So for those of you who are interested in knowing what the race has taught me, I could tell you stories for days. But if there is one thing I hope to walk away with at the end of this, it is the understanding of Jesus’s relentless pursuit for our hearts no matter how stubborn we may be.
