Faith.
Oh how I wish I had more of that little word.
Faith is a finicky aspect in my life, shaking with every bump in the road and soaring when opportunities arise and life is full of obvious hope.
Whenever things get rocky, I find doubt too accessible and usually the easiest solution to whatever question is stirring in my brain.
I attempt to put myself in His shoes and as I’m kicking my feet around infinity – I try to answer unanswerable questions in order to better grasp the Person I put my faith in.
I become so obsessed with knowing the why’s and how’s to every question that frustration inevitably builds and angrily releases itself in the form of doubt.
And so I take the first punch towards the face of faith.
Why did God create us in a way that allows us to question who He is?
Why can’t we know all the secrets – all the plans – all the reasons?
And that’s just the beginning of the questions that have started a mighty battle within my brain. A battle between faith and doubt fought time and time again – a funny concept, considering I already know who wins before the battle even begins.
It’s like starting a fight just for the heck of it, with no reasoning other than my own stubbornness and desire to be right.
And after the battle has raged on for an inappropriate amount of time, I sit down with defeat by my side, and release a sigh of exhaustion.
My God is too big to be believable.
And when I am just about to surrender to the doubt taking control of my mind, my spirit fights back.
If God was something my little mind could wrap around then there would be immeasurably less to question and immeasurably more to doubt.
He would be limited.
Confined to the innards of my human brain, only knowing whatever can be contrived from my experiences on earth.
~*~
I oftentimes wonder why I get so tired of people describing God with the same words – amazing, indescribable, wonderful, awesome – it’s tiring and repetitive, but it’s because our vocabulary is so small and one-dimensional, we literally have no more words to describe who the Great I Am is.
He is who He is.
And he’s literally indescribable.
And because I have such a small capacity to understand His being, He becomes unbelievable.
And that’s O.K with me.
I would rather surrender to the unknown of something immensely Greater than anything I could ever imagine, than win a fight where I can see the prize sitting on the table.
And as much as I try to fight it, I cannot deny all the ways I’ve seen pieces of his Greatness cover this earth.
I cannot deny the very Spirit I’ve been given.
And above all – He cannot deny Himself.
And it’s O.K not to know the answers every time doubt crosses through my mind and leaves a trail of questions.
Because in the midst of the trail there are miracles and testimonies of his power and I am left standing in the center with a new faith and a different kind of strategy for the next time doubt attacks.
~*~
An offensive strategy where I live eyes wide open and look for ways He displays His faithfulness before doubt has time to make a move.
I will look up at dusk and see the golden light shining through the many trees of a tall forest and see Creation for what it really is.
I will see coincidences as part of His final plan.
I will see people healed as undeniable miracles.
And after it all, after I’ve surrendered to his goodness and declared myself to be faithful – I will still fight the battle of doubt. Wandering soldiers of an opposing troop, trying to sway my source of hope and fight the fight that’s been fought time and time again.
And as we learn history so it doesn’t repeat itself I will remind myself of every previous outcome.
Because every time He has Won.
Every time He Wins.
And every time this historic battle takes place – He will Win.
