January 9, 2012
Launch – Fort Lauderdale, FL
What the heck am I doing here?! What have I gotten myself into?! My pack is overflowing and I don’t know what to ditch to get my stuff to fit more comfortably and weigh less. I don’t feel like I fit in with these people. This is TOTALLY different than I’m used to. I’m used to staying at the Hilton for TCX for four days, not leaving for 11 months to live out of a backpack. But God DOES call us to lay down everything and follow Him. This is just harder than I expected. I came a day early with the team leaders because I’m my team’s treasurer. I think they’re going to train us tomorrow, but they want us to get a good night of rest so we’re revving and raring to go tomorrow. It’s just 8:00pm, but I’m about ready to go to sleep. I’m dying to talk to my best friend, Rachel, but I know I need to take it to God.
January 11, 2012
Launch – Fort Lauderdale, FL
God has definitely given me a lot of peace in the last day and a half. We had training for the treasurers yesterday morning, and I don’t think dealing with my team’s finances will be as bad as I thought it would be. The rest of my squad came yesterday, and it has been really nice to have everyone here. Today I got rid of some of the stuff in my pack so it actually fits pretty comfortably now. I am really excited about that.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. This is where I’m supposed to be. I don’t really understand the people around me. But the Lord is still good and sovereign. He understands. And if it is His will, He will enable me to understand in His own time. This is what I KNOW: God’s Word (the Bible) is 100% true. His Word is what I need to cling to. I also know that God loves me. I know this not only because it says so in His Word, but also because I see His love in the things He has done in my life. All the trials He has put me through, He has done out of passionate love and for my benefit. Through these trials I was driven to the point of having no hope in the things in which I had previously trusted.
January 15, 2012
Month 1 – Chimaltenango, Guatemala
Dear Lord, I don’t think I’ve been putting you first. Have I?
Lord, help me to speak Your Word confidently, but never let me forget to do it out of love.
January 20, 2012
Month 1 – Chimaltenango, Guatemala
As of this afternoon, we will have been in Guatemala a week. I’ve been feeling congested the past couple days.
I’ve been struggling with the need to perform. I’m having trouble just sitting still before the Lord to spend exclusive time with Him without feeling guilty. I feel that if I’m not out in the field or doing hands on work that I’m failing to work hard. I want to give my everything every day for God. I want to work my hardest for Him. But what does that look like (especially when I’m feeling congested)? Is it okay to rest? And if so, for how long?
January 27, 2012
Month 1 – Chimaltenango, Guatemala
I feel ornery today, God. I don’t feel like I’m enough. I am upset that I’m not in Green Bay with all my friends. Lord, I need You to show me and teach me how to love as You love. And I need You to help me do it.
January 31, 2012
Month 1 – Chimaltenango, Guatemala
I am so tired today. Last night definitely felt like the coldest night since we’ve been here. I had my sleeping bag zipped all the way up, AND I was using my sleeping bag liner, which I had cinched up around my face. So I don’t think I got much sleep since I had such a hard time getting warm. The Lord NEEDS to be my strength today because I have none whatsoever of my own.
Right now my life is not marked by desperation for the Spirit of God. How do I get to that place of desperation?
Febuary 21, 2012
Month 2 – San Salvador, El Salvador
Do not hold against us the sins of the fathers;
may your mercy come quickly to meet us,
for we are in desperate need.
Help us, O God our Savior,
for the glory of your name
deliver us and forgive our sins
for your name’s sake.
-Psalm 79:8-9
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
-Psalm 84:2
“Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days
can end in rain.
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face.”
-Francesca Battistelli
Febuary 27, 2012
Month 2 – San Salvador, El Salvador
Yesterday when I got to church I felt very unsettled in my soul. I’ve processed what’s going on inside me, but I want to continue to process it. I am comparing myself to the other girls on my team. I feel nervous to some degree when I’m around them. I feel much more comfortable around Bea and/or Suzy (two of our ministry hosts this month). Another thing is that I’m too judgmental of my teammates, and I fear their judgment.
Febuary 29, 2012
Month 2 – San Salvador, El Salvador
I need God to be my best friend. My heart wants to cling to people, but people will let me down eventually. My heart needs to cling to God. He needs to truly be the love of my life and my best friend.
I don’t feel like I have much to give. I feel so weak. I feel so broken, but my pride is not broken enough.
I don’t know how to express my love for God. In this moment, do I actually even love God? Do I truly love Him?
I keep looking to my teammates and ministry contacts to fill me and to meet all my emotional needs. This is ridiculous because they couldn’t even if they tried as hard as they could. Only God can do that.
March 3, 2012
Month 2 – San Salvador, El Salvador
“It’s all about You, It’s ALL about You, Jesus.
I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about You,
It’s all about You, Jesus.”
-Matt Redman
March 16, 2012
Month 3 – Tegucigalpa, Honduras
We arrived in Honduras on Saturday but we did not get to our ministry site until yesterday because we had debrief for a few days. For debrief we stayed at a “hotel” that was very different than hotels in the U.S. There were two bunk beds and a twin bed in each room, and the sheets on each bed were different. I had Baby Looney Tunes characters on my sheets. During our team debrief with the squad leaders and coaches, four of my teammates expressed that they feel like they don’t know me. I was speechless at first. I’d been thinking about the lack of connection with a couple of my teammates that I had noticed. I felt intimidated by most of them and wanted to try to figure her out before I jumped into a conversation with them. I think I was hiding behind the excuse that I’m an introvert and naturally don’t talk as much; when really there are other issues that need to be addressed. I noticed and felt a little guilty in El Salvador that I talked more to our ministry hosts than to my teammates.
April 16, 2012
Month 4 – Pitesti, Romania
Jesus comes to comfort me. (See Matthew 12:15-21)
“Are you bruised? Be of good comfort. He calls you. Conceal not your wounds. Open all before Him, and go to Christ. For there is more mercy in Him than sin in you.”
“You are never beyond healing unless you are beyond humbling.”
My words reveal my heart.
April 22, 2012
Month 4 – Pitesti, Romania
Father, I feel so alone. Are You here? Are You really faithful? Will You lie to me? Are You going to hurt me? Will You break my heart and not come back to comfort me? Can I trust You?
God comforts in the way that no one else can. He sees and hears my thoughts and the cries of my soul.
Lord, I get so faint sometimes.
Lord, I am DESPERATE for Your attention, but I continually look to others for the focused and unfailing attention that only You can give. And I am left empty.
April 30, 2012
Month 4 – Pitesti, Romania
I don’t know everything. Sometimes I think that I should know everything or wish that I did know everything, but it’s a good thing that I don’t because God uses me in my weaknesses. “When I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10) See also 2 Cor. 1:8-10.
May 13, 2012
Month 5 – Ivankiv, Ukraine
We arrived at our ministry location last night after riding in a bus for 28 hours. We are in a village of about 200 people, about an hour and a half away from Kiev. The place where we’re staying is set up like a camp. We are staying in the lodge. It is so incredible! We are sleeping in small beds with sheets from Target.
May 19, 2012
Month 5 – Ivankiv, Ukraine
Thank You for teaching me to turn to You rather than to people. Thank you for making living out of a pack easier than it was Day 1 of the Race. Lord, thank You for making me desperate for You. Help me to continually look to You to be my best friend. People in my life will come and go; only God is with me for good. I can be certain that He will ALWAYS be with me and ALWAYS love me immensely. A conversation with my teammate today stirred a desire in my heart to be rescued. As I’m thinking back on it now, I’m realizing that God is my Rescuer. He sees me completely when I feel like I’m dying inside. His heart is grieved by the pain I experience (but He knows it is necessary). See Psalm 18:1-19.
