I’m incredibly humbled, and my heart beats through profound emotion and I realize that God is above all and sovereign.—
When I was a Sr. In college I wrote a 10 week Bible study on the Sovereignty of God, I thought I understood it and had a healthy grasp on what it meant for my own life. But moment after moment and trial after trial I am humbled and realize that I have yet to grasp God’s sovereignty. I know as Christians we have not been promised to live an easy life that is full of encouraging days and peaceful afternoons. We been promised trials and testing, we been promised persecution and we’ve been promised suffering. Most of all we’ve been given the promise of an eternal hope and Glory. It’s this eternal glory that I hold on to when I am struggling to raise enough money for the race, and struggling even more with the thought of leaving this place.
I’ve lived in the same city for five years now. This is the city where Jesus came alive in my soul. This is the city where the family of my heart has grown. Last night I was talking about “Gospel Goodbyes” with my family. I sat on the floor in the living room and my family discussed the concept of saying goodbye to people to follow God’s call. I sat there in silence trying to reconcile the call Jesus has given me to leave everything behind, to leave these people that have come so close to my heart, to leave the secure comfort of home, to leave brothers and sisters to follow Him. I was riddled with fear; fear that when I come home they will not be here, fear that every thing will be different when I return, fear that this place will no longer be home. I sat there on the floor in the living room, and I almost left my heart there. I had half the will to get up and walk away from this harsh reality that I had to face. But I didn’t. I sat there, rested my head on the shoulder next to me and I listened. I was reminded of when Jesus called his disciples and they had to leave everything.
Matthew 8:18-22
The Cost of Following Jesus
18 Now when Jesus saw a crowd around him, he gave orders to go over to the other side. 19 And a scribe came up and said to him, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.” 20 And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” 21 Another of the disciples said to him, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” 22 And Jesus said to him, “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead.”
Not even to bury the dead. Leave it all, leave your money, leave your home, leave your family, and follow His call.
When I return I will not be the same either, I will be different. I will have had to say “Gospel Goodbyes” to the people of 11 different nations. But the core of the goodbye is realizing that we are no longer living for our own life experiences but we are living for a purpose greater. We are living not for own sense of adventure and our own filled hearts. We already died and we are now alive in Christ and for His purpose. Our hearts are in existence to glorify Him now. So in the light of these “Gospel Goodbyes” that still evoke tears from my human soul, and physical eyes, I have realized what must be at the core of my desire.
I just want to be close to the heart of the Father. There are many other things I could say I desire, but my deepest truest desire, the one that runs through the arteries of my soul is the desire to be close to the heart of the Father. Some call it a wanderlust or a yearning to learn, grow, adventure and journey. But my deepest and most true desire it to be close to the heart of the Father. I have this yearning, this itching to leave and go, to journey. Knowing what I leave behind, and what will not be the same when I return. This desire is deeply set in the yearning to be close to your heart oh God. Nothing else has proved to bring hope, joy and any sort of peace but you oh God promise such. So when I leave for the nations, let the world think what they want. Let them make their jest, call me selfish or even an unsettled millennial. Because the truth is, I have a yearning for more… more of the King, more of His vision, more of His truth, more of His perspective and more of your true heart oh God. The heart of the Father is in the nations; my Father’s heart is everywhere, in all of the nations with all of His people.
I’ve counted cost, shed the tears and I still feel you telling me to GO. I want to search the heart of God and be ever so close to His heart. I must start with searching His word so He can search my heart. I know it doesn’t take His word for Him to search me and know me but it is His word that we go to, to search His heart. The more of God’s heart that I know, the more of my heart will be open to His will, peace and love. To be close to your heart oh God is to be known by you, so I ought to make myself known.
- I’ll follow the call to go.
- And make your son known
- I’ll say the goodbyes
- Because I’m living for a purpose beyond my life
