“I’ll do it myself”. For those of you who know me well, you know that this is something I say quite often. My whole life I have had a problem with control. I always want to be in control – it’s part of being a perfectionist. I want to be in control so that I can do it how I want it done and do it how I consider it to be right. I want to be in control of not only how I am, but how other people are, and the situations around me. I have craved utter control for so long it has created this prideful spirit in my heart thinking I know more or can handle a situation better. Thinking about this makes me sick to my stomach, what kind of a godly woman is prideful? I don’t want to be this way.
These past few weeks it has become apparent how damaging this mindset can be to other people in my life. How it makes them feel less than or makes them feel that I think I am better than them (which in reality is the complete opposite of how I really think). I began to get frustrated with myself because I clearly have been like this for awhile, how did I not notice how hurtful I can be? As I was praying about this and asking God what He thinks, I realized something. I don’t truly trust The Lord. If I did, I wouldn’t care so much about control and having my way. I would want everything to be up to Him because He knows best, but my mind did not think that way.
I thought I knew more than God.
I thought I could handle a situation better than He could. I thought I knew what was best for me and the people around me more than He did. I thought I could do it all on my own and I didn’t need the help of anyone else, including the creator of the universe… silly Emily.
These last couple weeks have been probably the hardest weeks on the race thus far, if I am being completely honest. I have hit a wall. I have not felt myself, I’ve craved leaving and being with my family, I’ve wondered why I’m even here. I can feel satan’s lies creeping into my thoughts and taking my joy and persistence to keep moving forward and pushing through the hard things. These last few weeks all I have wanted to do was give up, throw the white flag of surrender and go home to the people (and dog) that I love.
Then I realized that these last few weeks I have really not felt God around me. I have basically been coasting through on auto pilot just trying to make it through without turning to The Lord for guidance or direction. I haven’t been spending nearly as much time with Him as I usually do, and man have I felt the effect. Then it hit me. I genuinely don’t want to be in control of my own life anymore. I want God to have full power of what goes on in my world and in my head. When I try to be in control I just end up getting hurt or hurting others. I have essentially felt what it is like to live without my rock for a couple weeks and I need it to change. I can not go on without Him. The only reason I have made it so far on the race is because of God. I don’t want Him to be sitting in the passenger seat telling me which way to turn and giving me directions, I want Him in the driver seat. I can’t keep trying to manage things on my own, because I will just fail and fail again.
God is all knowing and always faithful to us. He will not let me down. He will not let me fall on my face without Him being there to dust me off and give me the encouragement to keep going. He will not leave me or forsake me. God is forever present and I want Him to be in-front of me, leading the way, from this day forward. I can honestly say that I trust Him now and I surrender all control and pridefulness to Him, because He really does know best.
