In the last few moments of our time here in Albania, I look back on these last 3 months and reflect on not only all we have done (working in prison, coffee ministry to plant a church, teaching english, helping out with down syndrome kids, working with human trafficking victims, children’s ministry, and helping out in the church with whatever they need), but how much I have changed and grown. Contrary to our pictures and Instagram posts, life on mission is hard. Living in a foreign country is difficult enough by itself, but add sharing the gospel, and wow do things get rough. Our team specifically can’t take pictures of our ministry so it’s easy for the people following my trip to assume it’s just fun and adventure, but in all honesty, that is not how it feels remotely. Coming on the race everyone had their own expectations of how things would work, but something I have learned so far is that expectations only set you up for disappointment. They are either too good that they let you down when reality hits, or they set you up thinking something is going to be a certain way and then you are let down when it is the complete opposite. For me personally, I had the expectations of living on mission to feel completely different than life in the states. But the truth is that no matter where you are, life is life. Cool and miraculous things don’t happen everyday, even when you’re a missionary. You have good days and some not good days when all you want is to be home with your dog, watching Netflix, and eating cheese fries. You get annoyed with the people around you and you get upset when things don’t work out like you think it was supposed to, but the biggest shocker for me so far is that even on the race where God is “supposed” to seem more present and available to our access in our everyday lives, we are still sinners. We still have negative thoughts not only about ourselves, but the people around us. We gossip and say harmful things to the people we love. We make mistakes.
I guess after I packed my bags, said my hardest goodbyes, and boarded the plane to head to Albania, I figured I would automatically be this whole new person. I would suddenly become the perfect woman of God and no longer do anything wrong. Everything would become clear and I would have a better understanding of who God really is, but boy was I wrong. Apparently when I came here I went through a time machine that took me back about 3 years when I still painfully struggled with self-image. I was thrown into my old mindset of hating not only my body, but also the person I am. Satan was in full on attack mode against me and I had no idea what to do with myself. I knew spiritual warfare was going to be a challenge on the race, but I did not expect it to be this intense. The devil was putting hurts back into my heart that I thought I had already conquered. Things were not going super well internally, and then on top of that I was living in a place that I had never been, with people I had never met, doing things I had never done. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I felt that God calling me to this was an utter mistake.
Everything about living in a foreign country is hard. You can’t read the signs to tell you which bus to take or which cereal to buy that isn’t royally repulsive and you can’t ask anyone because no one speaks your language or else they just stare at you like a talking rock. Everything is such an ordeal because nothing is what you’re used to. Finally figuring out how to find drinkable water was such an accomplishment. Once we got used to the culture and started to figure out what to buy or where to walk, things got easier. We were able to learn enough of the language to be able to get what we needed without too many problems, but the thought of having to start over in a few short days, in a completely new place with a completely different culture, is terrifying. I have learned not to have expectations and just leave it to the Lord to handle the situation, but I am still human and I still have fears. These last 3 months have been a total roller coaster, but I wouldn’t change them for anything. I have learned more about myself and God than ever before and I am so excited to have 6 more months of doing just that. Thank you to everyone who has been praying and supporting me from back home. I have been praying for you guys very much, and I hope God is moving in you just like He is moving in me all the way across the world. Also, I am not fully funded yet, and the due date is coming up quick (November 30th) so if you feel it on your heart from the Lord to donate, please do! Let me know if you want to know more or have any questions about my experience so far on the race! I love talking to people from back home : ) The easiest way to communicate is to email me, which you can find on my blog! I pray blessing over all of you each and every day!
Love,
Em
