There’s this story in the Bible in which a woman comes to the table where Jesus is eating with his friends. She asks him to heal her demon-possessed daughter because she’s heard that Jesus has the ability to do such a thing, but Jesus, in what seems like a completely out of character move, won’t do it.
Jesus gives her reason after reason that her request should be denied, though he never responds directly to her question. And yet, despite how adamantly Jesus refuses, the woman is unrelenting. She is persistent. She is stubborn. Though he denies, still she asks.
And then finally, Jesus says, “Your faith is strong and will be rewarded. Your daughter is healed.”
(the cold mountains of China, as seen from the Great Wall)
For years, I’ve read this story and have only been angered by it. I didn’t understand why Jesus would be so rude, why he would refuse to help the woman. I didn’t understand what it was that changed his mind either. Why did he suddenly concede to the woman’s pestering?
Only recently, within the last year or so, have I come to terms with this passage. Finally I realized that Jesus wasn’t being dismissive or rude and it’s not that this woman was able to change the mind of God with her persisting.
You see, this woman came to Jesus knowing that he had the power and compassion to heal her daughter. She’d heard about him before and was convinced of his character. But Jesus needed her to really believe that truth before she could receive the fullness of the power of that truth. He needed her “head knowledge” to sink down into a deep, unshakable place in her heart. So if this woman really believed that Jesus was who she thought he was, then she’d persist in her requests of him.
Jesus needed her to be completely convinced of her conviction, and that’s why he kept refusing. Because in the moments in between his rebuff, her faith was formed. In the moments when it seemed like God wasn’t who she thought he was, the woman had a choice: she could shake it off and dismiss her previous convictions as erroneous or she could stand firm, hold tightly, and insist that God is most certainly able despite what the current circumstance may seem to indicate.
(Chaney & me trying to stay warm on a freezing day in China)
This year I’ve prayed some really outrageous, audacious prayers. But I pray these prayers not because I just want to see cool stuff happen. I pray big prayers because I know the character of God and I believe that he desires to heal, resurrect, restore, cure, and save even the most desolate cases. I believe that God can do big things, and so I ask him to do them just like he told me I should.
But with every big prayer comes the risk that God might say no. He might deny my request or refuse my persistence.
And I’m learning to be okay with that.
A few months ago, I prayed a really big, really bold prayer…and God said no. And in the tornado of emotions that followed, I felt so painfully like the woman who came to Jesus. I was hurt and confused and a little bit bitter. But in my most wounded moment – in that moment between rebuffs – I felt God asking me if I really believed that he could answer this prayer.
And that’s when it clicked.
(now we’re living on a tropical island!)
God needs to make sure that I actually believe in who he is, not just what I think he can do. God needs to make sure that my faith is coming from an unwavering place in my heart, not an unsure place in my head. I need to endure a period of learning to believe in the character of God before I can witness the glory of God.
I think we need to suffer the consequences of truth before we can enjoy the pleasures of that truth. If I really believe in what God can do, it’s because I believe in who God is, and that’s a truth that causes a lot of my worldviews and decisions and hopes to be turned upside down.
Knowledge of character precedes witness of what that character is capable of, at least with God anyway. And that’s why it’s so extremely important that in my prayers, I first seek the face of God before I seek the acts of God.
Because once you know who God is, you’ll be convinced of what he can do. And that sort of knowledge will change your life in every single way.
