Before you even ask… the answer is yes – I daily compare this season of my life to that of Bilbo Baggins.
This past September I re-read The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien, which coincidentally also happened to be the time in which I had decided to go on the World Race. Reading through Bilbo’s story (especially the beginning chapters) was what confirmed to me that I had made the right decision in going on this adventure… A few days ago I saw the movie, and in watching Peter Jackson’s filmed rendition of the novel I had so many thoughts and memories come back to me from my experience in September… and now that I’m back in Delaware, transitioning from my life in Chicago to this adventure across the world, it’s been all I can really think about.
Please, take a step into my mind:
Let’s talk about Bilbo’s decision to go on his adventure with Gandalf and bunch of seemingly mysterious, random, and boisterous dwarves. Essentially, Gandalf comes knocking on Bilbo’s door saying, “Yo. The name’s Gandalf. You know me, don’t you? Yes? Ok good. Well, in that case I have come to tell you that I need you to go on this crazy adventure with me.” To which Bilbo replies, “Helllllll NO. Don’t you know who/what I am? I’m a Hobbit. I don’t go on adventures. I like to sit around in the beauty of the Shire, in my precious hobbit hole, eating 12 meals a day and smoking my pipe, thank you very much. Feel free to go and find someone else to share this ‘adventure’ with you,” (please note that Tolkien’s wording of all of this is much classier than mine, you really should read the book if you haven’t already). In response, Gandalf seems to listen, walking away and leaving Bilbo standing alone at his door with mixed emotions and thoughts (in some sort of heart pounding, adrenaline-rushed relief and confusion I’m sure). Not after long, though, does Gandalf come back to pursue this young, unworthy Hobbit… He literally sends his troops, the Dwarves, to Bilbo’s house, telling them that the little man is in on the adventure and should be trusted. So, they come to Bilbo like a thunderstorm, bringing the poor soul from his just-calmed-down state back to his “WHAAATTT IS HAPPENING?!” frame of mind. Through much discussion and battling turmoil, Bilbo realizes that he doesn’t have much of a choice in the matter, and willingly decides to go.
…That is the exact story of my life (read my first blog post if you want this story more in depth)! In a lot of ways I compare Gandalf to Jesus (which, I do believe, was Tolkien’s intention). Just as Gandalf did to Bilbo, Jesus came knocking on my door unannounced saying, “Hey Em. It’s me. You know me, you know that I’m good, and you know that I’m in control and my plans are just, right? Yes? Ok, cool. Well, I want you to go travel the world for me, to learn more about me and to be my hands and feet on earth for me.” To which I replied, like Bilbo, with a, “Hellllllll NO. Don’t you know who I am? I’m a tiny little girl. I’m a baby in fact. I can’t do that. I like being in America with all of my comforts around me. I can’t handle the world. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I don’t know enough languages to do that. I’m not ready for that. I need to grow up more. I need to study more. I need to stay here. So, you can go find someone else who is much more mature and well-equipped to go on your ‘adventure’ with you. K thanks bye.” Whew! So, Jesus stopped bothering me about His request for a few months, leaving me standing at my doorstep with mixed emotions and thoughts. However, when He came back with his request, He came like a thunderstorm… or more like a pack of dwarves, storming past my door with confidence in my abilities and in the fact that I would eventually choose to listen to Him and go. So, through much discussion and battling turmoil, I realized that I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, and willingly decided to go.
The coolest part about all of this to me is Jesus’ faith in my abilities (as can be seen in Gandalf’s faith in Bilbo’s abilities – all throughout the book or movie. Even when the dwarves doubted Bilbo and stated that he never should have come on this adventure with them, Gandalf was always there to be the reminder of the fact that there was more to Bilbo than there may seem to be. Because of his faith in Bilbo, Gandalf gave the little hobbit the confidence and strength he needed to be the man he was meant to be). Even now I still wonder if I’m going to be able to handle this trip. I daily wonder what good I can do in such a short time in countries where I can’t even speak the primary language. I question if I’m mature enough to handle everything I will experience. I question if I’m old enough and experienced enough to make my way from one country to the next. I wonder if I’ll be able to handle seeing God in a much bigger way than I ever have before – if I will understand the new things I learn about Him and if I will accept those things or not. Just like Bilbo, I have a lot of doubts in my abilities and feel so small and unworthy to be called to go on such a cool adventure… BUT the cool thing is that none of that matters, because Jesus knows me better than I know myself, and as long as I trust in that and in Him, He will then give me the confidence and strength I need to be the woman He has called me to be and to do the things He has called me to do (which, is crazy… and scary… but awesome).
Here’s to giving up my doubts, my imperfections, my worries, and my comfort so that I can run through the door full speed onto the pathway the Lord has set out before me with complete trust in Him!
