Is the grass greener on the other side?
Truth: This month has been one of the hardest for me on the race…anxiety, fears, and an overwhelming heaviness met me every morning this month at 7 AM before I could even open my eyes…I cried at least twice a day, sometimes not even sure what over…I was really attacked from the enemy this month trying to dismiss this last 11 months and what God has done…I struggled through the first 2 ½ weeks of this month feeling bipolar each day, sobbing one moment and feeling peaceful the next…I felt like someone was literally squeezing my heart…this continued day in and day out…
…I started to have so much anxiety hearing about my friends and teammates plans for when they get back…realizing I did not have anything close to a 5-year plan, I don’t even have a 6 month plan! I started hearing lies from the enemy saying, “Look at you just going right back to where you lived a year ago, nothing has changed this year, you are just going straight back to America to pick up where you left off…all that you have seen this year, and you are “just” going home.” I felt so incredibly overwhelmed that I did not know what I was doing when I got off the race. Some mornings I just didn’t want to open my eyes knowing what the day would bring…but of course you can’t ever fall back asleep when are so discontent…
Truth: God had me start looking at the heart and root of the issue…this is what he showed me. I was at church a week ago and during worship I prayed for a word from Him, begged for something, anything to give my heart peace and rest. What I heard loud and clear was, “Dance with me Em.” Side note-I love when I hear God call me Em instead of Emily J I said, “I am dancing with you Lord, I have been.” And He said, “Yes, your hands are in mine but you are not really dancing to the song of today.”
I did not completely understand until He gave me this vision…He was right, I was dancing but I was constantly looking over my shoulder at the things from my past, regrets from the race, the feeling of I could have done more, should have done this different, and looking back wishing it wasn’t over…then looking over His shoulder at the future trying desperately to figure out what I was supposed to do when I got home and watching what everyone else was doing.
Then God said, “You are so caught up with and concerned that the music has changed and the old dance steps are gone that you are going to miss the dance of today and the new steps I am teaching you.” Have you ever tried to learn a new dance while you are fighting with not wanting to learn the new steps? Or have you ever tried to learn new dance steps while instead of paying attention to your own dance you are watching those dancing around you?
Truth: God also gave me another vision that day…I was in a pasture, my pasture, but I was over by the fence and I was holding onto the fence jumping up trying to look in other pastures around me. God showed me that I was walking in the spirit of comparison, trying to look at everyone else’s pasture and what God was showing them about what they were doing after the race. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” Psalm 23: 1-3. God asked me if I really believed that he would give everyone else a green pasture but me dead brown grass in mine. He said, “Emily if you take a moment to stop jumping up and down and turn around, you will find I have placed you in a green pasture filled with flowers, life, and new growth.” The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s a lie the enemy tries to convince us of time and time again throughout life. Take some time today if you are struggling with this and read psalm 23 and take a look in your own pasture and where God has placed you… and know that it is good and the grass is green.
Truth: Third thing God used to teach me…this story was given to me by my little sister…There was this special Olympics tournament and there was one precious boy who came in very last, WAY behind everyone else. Everyone had already finished and everyone lined up to cheer on this boy and help him to be encouraged to finish. He finally finished and then they went to the awards ceremony. His parents were proud he finished but felt bad he came in dead last…then at the award ceremony it came the time for them to hand out the first place award, and they called the boy’s name. His parents thought it must be a joke or must have heard it wrong, but they said his name again, for first place! When they asked why he came in first place even though he finished last, the judges replied- He was the only one who stayed in his own lane! 🙂
So moral of the story is STAY IN YOUR LANE…run the race the Lord has marked out for YOU not for someone around you! Remember that God has it all planned out, and his plan for you is to stay in your own lane, run your race, look not to the right or to the left but look straight at Jesus!!
This is what God has been teaching me this month; I hope that something in here God uses to speak to you in your own life too! God has been showing up BIG time this month and I have really felt like what it means to be carried by Jesus when I am weak. I have seen Him work in the ministry we are a part of and use me even though my flesh has been weak, He has been strong, and he has been my strength.
Pray for me my last couple weeks on the race that God would continue to carry me through, send me His peace…pray for the time that is coming to say goodbye to my team that I have without a doubt spent more time with in this year then I will one day in my first year of marriage J pray for the excitement and overwhelming feelings of coming home. Pray for my contentment in being ok with not having answers of what I am doing next and to not compare my journey with anyone else’s. And pray that no matter what I would continue to dance THIS dance, run THIS race marked out for me J
