This week I hit rock bottom, had one of the worst weeks of my life, so much pain, heartache, sickness, and tears…some of you may know I have been sick since my last week in Haiti (since last Monday) and on Saturday I got to Ireland and my sickness and pain just got greater and greater. Sleeping in a tent in the absolute freezing cold weather barely able to breathe and with every breath feeling my throat getting more and more sore, ears in so much pain and also unable to pop from the flight, head throbbing with aches and pains.
This last 4 days was a conference in Ireland called The Awakening where all 5 World Race Squads, over 300 people like me, from around the world came together to worship, hear speakers, and get poured into by amazing people so that we would be refreshed and ready to go back out. I was sooo looking forward to this week for so long. But every single afternoon session I missed it because I was too weak and sick to attend. I spent the times I thought I was going to get poured into by people on the floor of a hotel room or with a doctor.
It was on the floor of a hotel room I hit rock bottom…I cried out to Jesus to please rescue me from this 2 week sickness that just kept getting worse and worse. I had already gone to the doctor here in Ireland and no medication was working. I knew it could only be the Lord to heal my body. I can’t remember ever feeling more sick and miserable (can I please tell you I will never again take a warm house and bed for granted?!?!). On that floor I prayed and prayed, told Him I believed with all my heart he could heal me if he chose to.
And from hitting rock bottom I found the greatest beauty. When I got off that floor God had worked a miracle in my body and I felt SO much better. I knew that the healing process of my sickness had begun. I was overjoyed and so in awe of God mighty hand to heal in His timing. That night I was actually able to sing during praise and worship!
I can barely put into words what God did the rest of that night, but I will try. Some of you may know, some of you may not, but this last year of my life I have been in a desert season. Unable to feel completely with my heart, unable to feel moved by things, unable to be fully broken, holding back and not understanding why, unable to cry and let my emotions go, and unable to emotionally feel God the way I once was able to. During my month in the DR (month 1) the Lord gave me a vision that I had my hands over my ears, seeing and reading who I was in Him but not hearing, not letting His words truly penetrate my heart. I felt lost and I didn’t know who I truly was. My cry for a very long time now was, “Who do you say that I am Lord?” I have listened to other peoples voices for so long and let those be what penetrated my heart, but I needed to know who the One who made me actually said that I was. I read His word and knew who I was intellectually in my head but it was unable to reach my heart.
By God’s AMAZING grace, that night through piecing together things from that week…the Lord spoke to me to clearly and He took my hands away from my ears and I heard who I was, my eyes finally opened up and I cried and cried. It was the most beautiful night and God pieced together so many unanswered questions of the last year of my life. He also showed me in a BIG way that yes he uses others to speak life and truth into us but He doesn’t need them to, he can. God spoke more to me and taught me things from lying on floors sick that I could have never learned in a room with a speaker.
I love love love how the Lord let me hit rock bottom, humbled me, and placed me lying on a floor to end this season of a desert and dryness. He ended it with exactly where I want to continue to remember…that my strength is from Him and Him alone. Through him I am chosen, I am anointed, I am loved, I am whole, I am new, I am beautiful, I am strong, I am bold, I am at peace, I am healed, and I am a precious daughter of the Lord who loves me more than I could ever imagine. And more than anything I am made in His image, He is in me, and I am so loved just as I am right now today.
Today I danced. Today I danced in a huge grassy field filled with yellow and purple flowers and it didn’t matter to me in any way this field was somewhere anyone could see me, all that mattered was Jesus. My dance through this life has always been with Jesus. I praised him for the year spent in the desert where I learned some beautiful amazing things and I praised Him for where I am today and this new season He has brought me into.
Can I be super real for a second…this is SO much harder then I ever imagined. This is not your average mission trip by any means and I have never encountered a lot of the things I have and will continue to out here. Living on these teams is intense and there is nothing that I can compare it to…never again in my life will I literally live, eat, and share everything with…I mean we are NEVER apart. I thought it would be kind of like a marriage, except I forgot about the part that people usually have jobs and separate 8 hours a day or so J There is no I am frustrated let me just call a friend, hop in a car and drive, run errands, grab my favorite food to comfort me, go jam out in my room with the music blaring, close a door (that’s right we never have our own rooms lol), go hang out with my other friends, even just take a run or workout by yourself…lol why you ask? Because we cannot go anywhere alone here! I have never been so physically “un-alone” in my life hahha! On our squad people are going through some SUPER heavy crazy things as teams. Gosh I could take forever and I have so much to say but I feel like by this point I have lost many of you because I am so wordy! Anyway my team is doing SO much better, we are in a REALLY good place right now, and one of the very healthiest teams on our squad, praise only be to God because we went through so rough times for sure!
I love you all more than you could imagine!! Missing you guys and ahhh oh my gosh I will have to tell you all later about these 5 amazing 14 year olds we spent most of our night with last night and are meeting up with them again at 3 today! Oh and our team IS staying here in Ireland, 45 mins south of Dublin, and I am not positive what we are doing for our ministry, many things, and also we will be living with 2 other teams yeah! Love you!
