I can’t believe it has been 3 months since returning back to the States and “adjusting” back to life as I knew it before…A handful of people have asked me since I have been home if I ever thought of writing another blog…if I was honest I usually just gave some kind of ho-hum answer to pacify them and moved on. It crossed my mind people may be wondering about how the transition back was going, but to be honest these last 3 months in some ways have been harder then anything I ever encountered around the world…maybe it was my own pride, maybe it was hoping to figure a few more things out first, or maybe I was stuck in my own fear, afraid to let anyone else in on the truth….
But through the Lord leading me these last several weeks and someone today asking me to consider writing again, I know without a doubt I am not supposed to have things figured out before I write and I am to lay down all my pride of what this blog may do to any “missionary image” anyone may have of me…so here goes…
The honest raw truth…Since being back in America I have struggled with anxiety, not finding fulfillment or happiness in things I used to be passionate about, fatigue, focusing on or remembering things… I get distracted easily, loneliness, not feeling a sense of belonging, numb to everything around me, feeling that I don’t fit in here, crying or feeling really upset and not even exactly knowing why…not one specific thing just everything…I have struggled greatly with finding and understanding my purpose in life…where I am supposed to live, what I am supposed to do, what I should get involved with, who I am supposed to do life with, who I should pour into, who may want to pour into me…I have struggled greatly with moving back in with my mom. Instead of initially being grateful for this opportunity to live in a house with my mother and sister I felt like everyone was looking at me thinking “wow looks like she didn’t make it on her own” …my outlook left me constantly spinning and thinking about how I could get out instead of why God may have placed me here…I find too many times that as people talk about different applications on their new I-phone, the latest technology, or the awesome deals at the mall sometimes unintentionally I zone out, and find myself back in Africa going hut to hut sharing the word of God or in Haiti working at the orphanage. It is not that these things are wrong or bad I just have spent a year without them. I am not great at checking my email or spending time updating my life on facebook…I usually just want to delete my facebook account actually!…the transition back has been anything but easy…ever had those moments you just stop and look around, watching everyone moving, talking, lots of noise, and you wonder is this my life? Is this what I do now? Is this real?
…to be perfectly honest, absolutely nothing in my life is set right now, nor do I have anything permanently set for my future…in two months my job as an occupational therapist will be over because I was only hired for a few months…and after that I don’t know the next step…
What I am learning…
… I am learning that it is much easier to trust God when you can see what next week or next month holds…the waiting seasons of life are some of the hardest…when you are super busy in life you long to slow down and when you have more time then you are used to, you feel like time is moving very slowly…I am learning I have a restless heart that longs to know the plans of my life because I am a planner…I over think things…
…I am learning a lot about trust and patience in the seeming dullness of the routine of life and that this is the best preparation for the larger opportunity which God may send you on…God is working, He is faithful, and he wants me to wait… My prayer is that I will understand that at times I am called to do my duty by doing nothing, to work by keeping still, to serve by waiting…I can fully trust God’s methods and His clock…to learn strong faith is to endure great trials, to stand firm amid severe testing… Sometimes the grandest character is grown in the hardships…God did not promise us that in this life everything would be easy or fun, but He promises us He will always be with us…there is rain before a rainbow…when sight ceases faith steps in…
…blindly walking into beauty is what I say about my life these days J I believe that there is something beautiful God is walking me into in the future but I honestly do not know what that is right now…and the waiting has been very difficult…
…but I am going to CHOOSE to count it all as joy, I am going to continue to praise God for the deliverance that will come, I am going to keep walking forward blindly believing that one day this part of my life and the struggles that have come will one day be a testimony of the Lord’s faithfulness, that the season I am in now will serve to glorify God, and I will choose to continue everyday to pray that the Lord uses my days to bless others by showing them love, for this was the ministry of Christ and it will be mine too…
I want to be like Joseph, the Lord spoke to him and he went, the Lord told him to stay and wait and he did, then the Lord told him to move again and he did…
So for now you can find me in St. Pete, Florida….waiting J
…I believe this blog was written for someone that it may encourage…to know that you are not alone… something I have written may be familiar to you or similar to what you once experienced but have never shared with anyone. If that is you please feel free to email me, [email protected], I would love to talk with you or pray with you…
Pictures of some of the reasons I miss being overseas so much :)…
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