I would consider myself an adventurous person. Backpacking, bouldering, hiking, traveling, and playing outside define the way I interact with others and the world around me. It has been awhile since I updated my blog so I want to share a story–a story of a recent adventure that captures an image of my life right now. It is a story both of what is beautiful and broken in my life.
My life has transitioned since the spring. I’m still working at Ligonier Camp and Conference Center, but Summer Camp has started! It is a constant whirlwind, but one that gives me a lot of joy and energy. My job in the summer is the Women’s Director-which means that I disciple, supervise, and care for the college-aged women’s staff. Day in and day out, I lead Bible Studies, provide socials, meet one-on-one and walk alongside the women on staff as they serve Jesus and love kids. I could share many stories of fun memories, meaningful conversations, and the moments of victory, but instead I want to tell you about a day-off adventure–an adventure where God taught me something significant that He is still teaching me about daily.
It was our first full day-off. My friend Megan and I had planned to go rock climbing with some friends at Ohiopyle, about an hour away from Ligonier. We loaded up our backpacks with all our gear- harnesses, helmets, climbing shoes, Nalgenes, Chacos, ropes, lunch food, etc., and began our day of adventure. It was a much needed day of space from work and doing something that gives energy and life. Within that, there was a small piece of me that felt nervous despite my love of outdoor adventures–having never been natural rock climbing. My friends accompanying me were more or less climbing nerds–I am not quite on that level. It left me anxious that I would be inadequate.
The adventure began as we arrive to our trailhead and hiked back to the rock-face we would be climbing. I helped and observed my friends set up our anchors and drop ropes, and we were ready to climb. Megan climbed first, then my friend Dan looked at me and said, “Emily, it’s your turn.” I felt my stomach turn over. I thought to myself, ‘This is the moment, this is the moment I look like a complete fool.’ Dan asked if I was nervous, and I answered honestly that I was struggling with a fear of not being enough to do the task. As I stood at the bottom and looked up to the top of the rock, about thirty feet above me, I took a step forward, tied myself into my rope, and walked up to the rock because I hate when fear wins.
This particular climbing route began five feet above the ground. There was a large pile of rocks that I had to climb on-top of and from there, get onto the rock-face. Now, this was not a simple climbing route. It was challenging. While standing on the pile of rocks I had to hoist my leg up, into a crack in the rock, grab onto two ‘hand-holds’ (and by that I mean cracks in the rock) and pull myself to a standing position. It was insane. I tried twice unsuccessfully to start before finally mustering the energy and willpower to start the route. As I climbed up, there were moments of, ‘I’m stuck. I am not enough,’ as the route became tricky. Adrenaline surged through my body and I climbed higher and higher.
Finally, I was able to successfully climb to the top! Now, most people would imagine a moment of victory, right? Unfortunately that is not what happened. As soon as my feet hit the ground thoughts ran through my head: ‘It was beginners luck. There is no way you are strong enough to do it again.’ I was asked to climb two more times. Each time I stood in front of the wall, about to pull myself onto it, and I wrestled and struggled to believe that I was enough.
After a while playing, climbing, and adventuring in the woods, I decided to climb a third time. I wanted to do the easy thing and walk away. I mean, I climbed twice right? Then I remembered, I hate when fear wins, so I slipped my foot into the crack in the wall and pulled myself back onto the rock. The third time, when I made it to the top and looked down at the rock I had just climbed, Megan asked, ‘What are you thinking?’, and I replied, ‘I am enough.’
It was a moment of victory in more ways than one. I wish I could say that this is the only place or instance where this thought of ‘I am not enough’ has run through my head. This lie plagues me daily, in my job, in my ministry, in my relationships, in preparing for the World Race. I was fighting for more than climbing to the top of a thirty-foot rock face. I was fighting for the truth that I am enough.
I learned in this rock climbing adventure that God didn’t make me super strong, or a professional rock climber. He used what I had been given. I am reminded of a character in Scripture where God used what he had been given despite his smallness to glorify God in large ways. This character is David.
I want to remind you of David fighting for the Israelites against the Philistine giant, Goliath. There is a part of the story that I love- where God says, “David, I am going to use what you have been given.” David has just told the Israelites that he will go and fight for his people. King Saul questions his ability to do this because he was so small and such an unlikely volunteer. When Saul finally agrees, he offers his armor to David: a coat of armor, bronze helmet, and sword. David, not being a warrior, replies,
“‘I cannot go in these’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and , with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.” (1 Samuel 17:39-40)
David then defeats Goliath with a slingshot and a single smooth stone. With this, David didn’t magically becoming a master swordsman or soldier. He used what he had been given. This is what is so meaningful about this story- is that God uses people in the small and humble ways He created them to do powerful work for His Kingdom. God uses ordinary people for extraordinary purposes. Similarly, God allowed me to use what I had been given to rock climb. Although, more than that, God uses what I have to care for the women on my staff, to think through details of my job, to pursue friendships, and to fundraise for the World Race.
As I walk through this present season of ministry at Ligonier Camp, I know that God is preparing me for what lies ahead on the World Race. I need to continue learning that I am enough– and where I am not, God fills in the gaps.
“This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your gentleness made me great.” (2 Samuel 22:33-36)
God in His gentleness, allows us to be great.
(Below are some more pictures from the rock climbing adventure.)
