“I want to be a woman who follows God. A woman who steps out in faith and moves as God leads. I don’t want to live a conventional life. I want to be different. I want a life that is full of excitement and joy. You find the most joy-filled life when you’re in the center of God’s will. So I search for God’s will as I make big decisions. I don’t want to go in the wrong direction. I want to do what’s right. For many years I have wanted to live differently. My family doesn’t have a past of missions or ministry jobs but I want that to be my life.”
Check out the beginning of the story in Part 1.
In February, I found out that my old job was open. Do I want to dive back into the same life I had before? I would be in the same state, same town, same school, same classroom. But I wouldn’t be the same person. Would all the change that I’ve had this year be washed away by the familiarity of my old life? I speak of wanting to live a life that is different. A life chasing after God’s heart. A life outside the normal, but when familiar comes, it’s hard to remind myself that I desire something more.
I don’t think I can finish the race strongly if I have to gear myself up again to teach when I get home. I can’t finish a marathon to just have 2 weeks off and start another one. I don’t know how to continue loving on the people I meet and get the most out of this world-wide adventure if I’m not going to get a break afterwards. Committing to a teaching position robs me of my perseverance now. What is more important, the present or the prospects of the future? Do I give up on the present and save my energy for something in the future? I don’t think this is what God wants me to do. So many times this year He has told me to stay present. “Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” I need to use all my energy for today, because I’m not guaranteed a tomorrow. So I’m choosing now. I’m choosing to learn what God has for me right now, in Romania. I will trust God’s provision, trust God’s faithfulness, trust God’s goodness. He hasn’t failed me yet. He knows what he is doing. He will show me which way to go. So I give my future plans to God. I place the future in His hands and trust He will show me what to do. All the answers may not come when I ask, but He will slowly reveal to me each new step.
So I choose God. I give up the security of knowing what I will do next, because I trust in God. It’s hard to answer the question, “What are you doing after the race?” I could say, I’m teaching again. I know exactly where I’m going. But I truly think that is the wrong answer for me. I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t want to be the one to decide. I am living day by day, relying on God. I will be returning home, to live with my parents, to love on my family, to invest in my friends, and to learn what comes next. I’m choosing to not feel shame in that. I could feel like I’m becoming a bum and wasting what I’ve lived out in the last 8 months. But I’m choosing to trust. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So with my head held high, I’m saying yes to God. Yes to following his footsteps. Yes for not making my own path. Yes to rejecting what feels wrong, even though it comes with health insurance and a paycheck. God wants my whole life and I trust he will provide.
Thanks for reading my blog. Continue to pray for direction as I walk into this new season. I don’t know what the last 3 months of the race will look like or what comes after, but I’m excited. Thanks!
