It’s starting to hit me…the reality of what I am preparing for…or at least I think it is.
For about 2 weeks I haven’t been sleeping very well. I’m not sure what caused my lack of sleep but I struggle to fall asleep at night and often wake before my alarm. I am constantly tired throughout the day and feel very drained by my job. I can’t specifically pinpoint the reason for my new sleeping pattern but here are a few ideas:
-too much coffee (no I am still not sleeping well on days without coffee)
-exercising (wouldn’t that make me more tired?)
-way to many obligations with school
-fundraising (I sent out some letters 2 weeks ago)
-stress over life
I think today I realized my lack of sleep is because I am stressed. I wouldn’t usually consider myself a stressful person, however right now I am. My stress shows up by being mentally exhausted.
Today after spending 2 hours at small group, I spent another hour talking with my leader. I am scared of fundraising because I may not raise $15,000. I am scared of spending all of my savings on the Race. I am blessed by having a savings, but I am also afraid of losing the security that it brings. If I spend all of my savings (or even a large chunk) on my Race I will feel nervous. Being raised by a financially minded Dad, I have been taught that it is wise to save money. I have been saving money since I was 10 years old and I have reaped the benefits of having a savings. Spending my money on the Race may be something God is asking me to do, but how do I save for life if I spend it all now? How do I live life if I am worried about money? OOO wait I guess that’s called trusting in God to provide. Isn’t one of God’s character traits, the great provider. (Matthew 6:26) “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” I need to learn how to trust God! But how do I do that?
Then my mind goes to this statement, “If I struggle with trusting God does that make me a bad Christian? Aren’t I supposed to be good at that since I am a Christian?” After telling myself that, I feel defeated and like an awful person because surely no one else struggles with that. Trusting God is like the backbone of being a Christian. Aren’t I supposed to know how to do that after 10 years of following God?
Life is hard. I feel like I strive to be better and “good enough” but ultimately I never will. I will continue to be challenged and grow and will always have something to work on. But that is what makes life beautiful. God cares enough about me to continuously care about me and mold me into His image. As I grow and I am challenged I become more like Jesus and reflect God’s character to those around me. That encourages me to keep going when I feel defeated.
I guess I must realize that everyone struggles with different things. I believe full heartedly that God is in control of every situation and has me exactly where he wants me to be (in knowledge, location, and such). Where some people may struggle with this I struggle with other things. I put a very high standard on myself and sell myself short (in my mind) on many things. I often do not believe I am good enough. It is hard for me to trust that God believes I am good enough, because if I were God I would not think Emily is good enough. I know that God loves me for who I am, cares for me no matter what I do, and has grace for me when I fall short. But I don’t think I believe it. I have a hard time thinking that I make a positive impact on people because all I see are my shortcomings. And then I laugh at myself because that is ridiculous. God made me an amazing person with lots to offer the world. I hear from people around me that I mean something to them. I believe I do but sometimes I don’t believe in myself. I pray that God helps me see that I am worth it. I pray that God helps me see that I am worthy.
I guess the real reason I am going on this trip is to feel a sense of belonging and to know that I am worthy; worthy of people’s attention, worthy of praise, worthy of God’s love, and worthy of my own love. I want to like who I am and I want others to like who I am.
Wow, didn’t realize that’s where my thoughts would take me. A few weeks ago, at church, we talked about fears. Often the fear of something holds us back. If we are honest with ourselves our “issues” stem from fear. We react a certain way when confronted out of fear. We lie to cover our fears. We create bad habits or throw ourselves into a new hobby to cover something up. Ultimately, I think we categorize our fear into one of the following:
-I am afraid what would come up or happen if I was truly honest.
-I am afraid I won’t like myself.
-I am afraid others won’t like me.
-I am afraid to admit I have failed.
This is the part where I am supposed to encourage you to look at your own life. But, I’m not sure what to say to make this meaningful to you. So I leave you with this: Thanks for reading my thoughts. Thanks for being a part of my journey. Thanks for being willing to get messy with me. I hope to learn how to trust in God more and learn how to truly love myself.
