It’s currently 12 in the morning, and I’ve had 2 breakdowns today. I hate being emotional. I hate feeling and showing emotions. I know it’s normal to experience them, however if I’m being honest, I wish they weren’t a thing.
Well, it’s getting to the end of the 3rd month of my Race, and to everyone asking how I’m doing and how it’s going, honestly, it sucks. I’ve met amazing people, made lifelong friends, have seen more of God and His goodness, as well as how much He loves me. So, you must be asking, “how does it suck?” I’d be right there with you. It sucks because I’ve had 3 months, solely me and God, Him refining me, breaking me down, teaching me things, all hard things, and I have nowhere to run, nothing to distract myself with. Yeah, I’m facing God face to face. He’s showing me more and more about myself, most of which I really don’t like. Before the Race, I saw myself as the most transparent person and I wasn’t afraid of telling others what I’ve been through. I would answer any questions people had with what the Lord’s done in my life, the mistakes I’ve made that He used, and almost everything in between. Almost.
You see, the Lord’s shown me this month, I have trust issues. Like, really bad. I’ve been hurt, mostly by people closest to me- people I looked at and would never see as a threat, were the ones who seemed to disregard my heart that I would lay on the table between us. If I’m being honest, it has been the closest people in my life who have stabbed me in the back and it really sucks. I am the type of person to invest in others, with everything I have because I care, but in my short 20 years of life, I’ve quickly realized I’m a rare breed.
However, I’m determined to not stay down. Life tends to kick you while you’re down, but you don’t have to be down. God is always holding out His hand to pick us back up when we fall. We are never down for the count. God has won the fight. He’s the victor, therefore we are also victorious. Romans 8:31-39 says: “31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”.
The Lord has been placing a word on my heart for a little over a month now, “bold” or “tolmiros” (bold in Greek). He has told me to be bold in every moment, expecting NOTHING but Him. So, that’s what I’m doing. This blog post is me sharing my testimony, one of which only a few truly know. I want to look back on my life and have no regrets, I want to be bold in Christ, and part of that looks like being open, 100% real with others I come across. Therefore, here is the story of how the Lord saved a broken, hopeless, wretched girl, undeserving of His amazing love and grace, completely changing her life.
I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church every Sunday to the point where it seemed like a chore. I’d go to church, sing the songs I’d have to sing, sit through long talks I couldn’t understand, sometimes have discussion over the talk over lunch with my family then not think about it again. I was a, “Sunday Christian”. I was homeschooled half of my life, in private school for 6th and 7th grade, then in public till I graduated from high school. I was a pretty sheltered kid.
Between 6th and 8th grade, I wasn’t really going to church because my family was trying to find a new church. Eventually, in 9th grade, we found a church, which was nothing I’ve experienced before. It was big, they had a lot of ministries/programs, they had youth ministry, not youth group, and the way it was run was very different than the other church I had grown up in. I remember exactly what I was thinking walking into my 1st time going to the high school youth program, “this is crazy, there’s so many people. Maybe I should turn around and leave.” I’m so glad I didn’t. The Lord used it to completely change my life.
High school years were along the lines with how most people’s stories of high school go. Some tragic, some filled with regret, some horrific, and pretty much every other adjective you can think of. Through high school, I had many “friends” in many different social circles, and graduated with only 2 real friends from my school. All of the others I called “friends”, stabbed me in the back, portrayed a distorted image of what a real friend looks like, and shattered the idea of having someone in my life who would invest in me, care for me, like I do for others.
Junior year is when everything started to fall apart. I fell into addiction, specifically sexual addiction. This consumed 2 of my years. Long, tiring, dark years. However, it was because of my addiction that I now have a relationship with God and He used this to transform my viewpoint of being a Christian, religion, to have a relationship with Him, etc.. How so you might be asking? Let me tell you!
The summer right before my senior year, I wasn’t going to the main church services but I was regularly going to the youth ministry’s nightly sessions throughout the school year. Each summer, they have a huge conference ran by high schoolers, for high schoolers. I had been 1 other time, and knowing how awesome it is, wanted to go again. At this time I wasn’t working, so I had no money to go. I asked my parents if they could pay for me to go. They said they could only pay a certain amount, which was lower than the cost it was. Well, I applied for a scholarship to get a discount and I was accepted!
At one point during the conference in one of the seminars, I heard a girl share her testimony. Something deep inside of me stirred, and I knew I had to go talk to her. However at this time, I was not one to seek others out, so I decided if I saw her I would talk to her. Well, I saw her. I proceeded to go talk with her, and at one point in the conversation she looked at me in shock. I then ask what’s wrong; she tells me that when she was praying weeks before, 2 names popped into her head and mine was one of them. This moment, this day, 07/09/14, completely changed my life. I met the love of my life, He broke into my heart, and this feeling was one I had never experienced before.
2 weeks later, I come off my Jesus high and relapse. Worst becomes worse. I fell into depression and utter hopelessness, feeling as though I blew my only chance in having a relationship with the Lord. I started to curse God, asking “why”. Why would He allow this to be happening, something He says He hates. My grades are slipping, my “friends” are dropping, my desire to live fading, I quickly was giving up on life. Right after graduation, me and my parents were not in a good place. I made a mistake, one which was found out, and I could feel their disappointment.
In the midst of my depression, I felt as though I had nothing else to live for. 05/25/15, I was planning on killing myself. However, before I could even start to follow through, I heard the Lord. I heard Him say, “don’t do this, stop. I love you so much. We will get through this. You are not your addiction. You are my child!” I told Him I wouldn’t, but He would have to perform a miracle. Well, He took me up on that. Freshman year of college, He brought amazing friends into my life and took the toxic people out of my life. I met my best friend. I started going to a recovery program called, “Celebrate Recovery” or CR for short. I found sobriety December 2nd, 2015, as well as fighting for Christ, saying “yes” to Him and “no” to the world. He continually was touching my life through the verse (my life verse), Psalm 34:18- “the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saved those who are crushed in spirit.”
Things were exciting and great. I found hope, light, joy, love. However, the devil doesn’t stop throwing punches after you’re saved. Starting in about March, my trust started to waver. My family was struggling and I seemed to be the only one to see it. My heart hurt to see them like this and there was no way for me to change it. During this time, I found out my dog Major had Lymphoma. Exactly 1 month after he was diagnosed, I found him dead in my backyard. I asked God for 1 year and He gave me 1 month. I felt, well devastated.
Shortly after this, in July, I found out my parents were getting divorced. The 2 people I saw making it were splitting up. Out of my control, nothing I could do, my world seemed to shatter in a billion pieces. I clung onto my relationship with the Lord, fighting to understand all of the “why’s” I had.
Now? I’m in Ecuador on the World Race and will shortly be leaving to go to India. I still have my mountains, the hard things. Contrary to belief, being a Christian isn’t a field of roses. In fact, we go through the same field as everybody else, a field of thorns. However, being a Christian gives me strength to push through to the end of that field, to fight. It gives me hope. It’s seeing a vibrant flower in the desert.
I’m still not as open as if like to be. It absolutely terrified me to hand someone my heart. I’m afraid of others hurting me like others have done to me, I’m afraid of falling. However, the Lord has called me to do the hard things, to be bold, to fight FROM Him. Being open isn’t telling others the hard things after they prove themselves trustworthy, but it is to be vulnerable when there’s no guarantee they will be open in return. It’s jumping into a hole when you don’t see the bottom. Yes, my heart’s broken. Yes, I don’t know when the Lord will fully restore my trust, but I will not hold back from investing and caring for others, showing them the love the Lord has shown me. I’m learning what it looks like to trust the Lord, by trusting others. Strive for Tolmiros, strive for boldness.
