I am sitting in a pitch black room. I feel like I am being swallowed by the darkness. I can’t see my hand in front of my face. I hear my name being called, “Emily, Emily, I am right in front of you! Open the door! Let the light in!” I am afraid. I am afraid of staying, sitting. I am afraid of getting up and opening the door. What is behind me, the unknown, what is in front of me, a voice I recognize. Jesus. My knight in shining armor. I should trust Him, right? My body, as heavy as rocks, seems to slowly start the process of moving. My feet, my legs, my arms. Finally, I am on my feet. Something from the unknown hits me to the ground. “STAY DOWN AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT STANDING UP. THIS IS REALITY.” Then, it dawns on me, lies. Lies are what hit me down to the ground. Fear, fear was what was keeping me there. Was.
“Emily!! I know you’re afraid. I know you’re struggling with fear. Don’t let the lies get deep, don’t let them win. STAND UP AND OPEN THE DOOR.” I get up again, and run to the door. Light. Darkness, no more. I am embraced by Jesus. “I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do, where to go. I am so sorry. I didn’t even know I closed the door.” Jesus, smiling at me, responded “My daughter, I love you so much. Turn around.” I look behind me, there’s nothing there. “Trust Me.”
Why? Why did I stay, sitting in the darkness, when I knew what was going on and that I could trust my Savior, and that He would save me?
Zambia, it has been so unbelievably great! I have only been here a month and I am already in love with it. I am in love with the people, the scenery, and the things I have learned/seen from God in my time being here. Leaving India, I was embarking on this journey: becoming the lion God is calling me to be. I was so eager, starting this journey, I became mad at myself each day, not seeing any immediate growth. I was mad at myself for not being able to take more steps than I could take in that day. There was a lie, a sneaky one, I started to believe and invite to stay in my heart- “you aren’t good enough. Who you are today, in this moment, is not even close to where you should be. Of course your voice is not important, you aren’t where you need to be. You’re still on the journey when you should be at the destination.” These are just a few of the lies I seemed to start to believe. Until.
One day I woke up and felt defeated, spiritually. I felt tired and all of these insecurities started to come up. I was asking myself, where is this all coming from? I remember the moment I realized I had let a seed of lies slip into my heart and it was now becoming a tree of fear. Fear of being unheard, that my voice wasn’t important. Fear of inadequacy, that who I was wasn’t meeting God’s syllabus of who I was supposed to be. As I am writing this now, I can see that these are all lies, but when you don’t withhold power from lies, of course it turns into fears. Fears tend to make you feel like you’re living in a pitch black room and can’t seem to find the door to let the light in.
I couldn’t continue to sit, I decided to get up and work out. I felt so much better afterwards, but something was still missing. I still felt as if the door was half way open. I was reading a chapter in Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning, and I remember I got to a part in the chapter that completely opened the door.
“The master once said to his pupil, ‘When you walk, walk; when you eat, eat.’ The pupil said, ‘But doesn’t everyone do that?’ ‘No,’ the master said. ‘Many people when they walk are interested only in getting to the place where they are going'” (Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust).
I read this, and it reminded me of the quote, probably the most cliché one I know, “it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.” I was making it all about the destination, when that is not at all what Jesus wanted for me. He wanted me to experience this journey with Him and appreciate and thank Him for each step I would take with Him. The first step is just as important as the last. The step you take in the middle of your journey is just as important as the last. Earlier last week, I caught a glimpse of who I am, no lies attached in God’s mirror. And it was great. I felt free. I saw a bold woman of God, who was completely different than in month 1 of the Race. I saw who Jesus says I am. Bold. Audacious. A lion.
If I had kept giving power over to lies, I would have still been living in fear, when that was not even my reality. I would have still been sitting in the darkness, believing in the fear that this was my reality.
Lies tend to breed fears. Put Jesus in that equation? Freedom. He brings freedom. Yes, fear is a natural by-product of lies. But a natural by-product of Jesus is freedom. Freedom to live in Him. Freedom to live for Him. Freedom to live. All because of what He has done for you and me 2,000 years ago on a cross. People living in freedom, in Jesus, don’t have room for fear.
“From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land.About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”). When some of those standing there heard this, they said, ‘He’s calling Elijah.’ Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus to drink. The rest said, ‘Now leave him alone. Let’s see if Elijah comes to save him.’ And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people.(Matthew 27: 45-53)
When Jesus died for us, people who were dead in our sins, we were raised. We came out of our tombs. The veil was torn, so that nothing was separating us from having a relationship with Him any longer. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a whole lot of freedom to me. Happy belated Easter my friends, He has risen.
“‘The darkness hides the true size of fears and lies and regrets,’ Jesus explained. ‘The truth is they are more shadow than reality, so they seem bigger in the dark. When the light shines into the places where they live inside you, you start to see them for what they are.'” -William P. Young (the Shack)
