I am sick and tired of writers block; there I said it, I am tired of struggling to convert a stampeding herd of emotions and thoughts into a coherent stream of words. Its not that I don’t enjoy writing, or that I am afraid to express my deepest contemplations; it’s just that I straight up can’t think of what to say when my fingers stroke the keys. I have started calling it the think and freeze; I spend hours thinking of what to say only to sit listening to my dog snore, this is getting frustrating.
So why can’t I seem to transfer my learning’s to pixels; or rather why couldn’t I (it appears I am writing right now). Well, because of a lie that had worked its way into my core, a lie that was exposed and conquered during my week at training camp.
What was this lie and why did I believe it? Well, to understand it one must have a little glimpse into my history. The long story short is that from the time I turned 13 until a little over a year ago, I was infected with a little thing called depression. Basically I believed that I was unlovable, a worthless wreck of a human being that did nothing but harm to herself and those around her. I struggled through self-mutilation, eating disorders, and thoughts of suicide all the while disbelieving God’s all-encompassing love for me.
In 2012, with the help of some amazing sisters in Christ I was able to remove that lie from my soul. For the first time in almost a decade I felt God’s love rushing over me. My cup was filled and spilling out on everyone I encountered. I believed that I was in the clear. But it was only a matter of months before the joy that defined by being started to fade.
During training camp I was forced to face down the lie that still clung to me. The lie that I am not worthwhile, that I am not good enough to be used by God. Satan was using that lie to separate me from my new family known as V squad. It was affecting the way I shared with people, it was inhibiting the expression of the love I feel for the body of Christ and for unbelievers, and it was making me doubt the Lord’s plan for my life.
At training camp I found myself face to face with Satan’s lie, but I was not alone because at my side stood the unchanging truth of the Gospel. I have been hand chosen to be a daughter of God; I was formed and made specifically by the creator of the universe. Who am I to believe that I have nothing to offer when God says otherwise? With His help I was able to draw out the lie and strike it down with the sword of the Spirit, and once it was gone joy and love rushed into my being.
Now I have no doubt, now I have no fear. The Lord is going to do anything he wants through me and all I have to be is willing. Willing to go where he directs, willing to fight the hard battles, willing to grow, and willing to serve; God please do anything you want to me, so that you can do everything through me. Yes I am nothing, but God is everything; and through him every nobody becomes more than just a somebody.
What lies have planted themselves in your heart? Do you believe that God cannot love you, or that you have nothing to offer to him? I speak from experience when I say that God wants you, no matter how broken, no matter how lost, He is a loving Father that wishes to love on his children. All you have to be is willing.
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