Held at Gunpoint

Sitting cross-legged on the living room floor, sipping my Diet Dr. Pepper, I looked around at my church family and smiled. God had filled my heart with truth and joy this past weekend and as I listened to the testimonies of how God was moving in the people I love, that joy continued to grow. Then, all of a sudden everything stopped.

I gasped for air that I suddenly had to fight for and my heart began pounding so violently, that I feared it would burst out of my chest. I gained composure and told everyone my goodbyes, but as I walked out the door I realized something was wrong. This did not feel like anxiety. Anxiety I could handle. I deal with feeling like my heart is beating a few beats too fast nearly every day. I endure the dull ache of a thousand pounds sitting on my chest, unable to get adequate air. I have grown accustomed to experiencing some level of that every day, but this was different.

This felt like an unexpected gun to my head, life or death situation. This was a quicker, sharper pain. I don’t know how to adequately convey the difference, but this was panic and this panic had me hyperventilating to the point of blurring my vision on my drive home. I pulled over and started desperately thinking about what could have possibly caused this.

I had nothing.

I had a decent day. My mind had clarity and depression was nowhere to be found. I could not think of a single reason for experiencing this.

Then I started in with the excuses and lies that buried me deeper in fear. I have spent my whole life believing that I would continue to experience depression and anxiety on and off for my entire life. After all, my Psychology major taught me that no cure exists-only treatment and at best, prolonged remission. I began allowing myself to experience the burdensome reality of never overcoming this when a thought came into my mind.

“The paralyzed never thought they would walk either.”

Where did that come from? I could not honestly believe that healing was possible in this. Healing is for other people, not me. Then another thought…

“I can heal you.”

Considering that thought came in the first person, and I’m 110% positive that I do not have magical healing powers, I realized that God was trying to speak to me.

Emily called and I told her, but honestly, I still did not believe it. I thought I made it up. I tried to forget His words, even as she proclaimed healing over the phone in prayer.

I walked into the apartment totally shaken up. I still couldn’t breathe and seriously considered asking a friend for her anti-anxiety meds, but decided to try something else. I told my friends I was going for a walk…at night…alone. If I could explain to you the extent of my fear of the dark, night in general, and being alone I would. The girls live in an extremely safe area and the complex is well lighted, but in the year I lived there, never once did I go anywhere at night unless it was to my car.

I needed to talk to God though, so I headed over to the playground and sat on the swing. Usually, in moments of anxiety I am so self-focused that I never really bother to listen to Jesus. I say I seek Him, but mostly I just try my best not to sin and throw a half-hearted prayer to the sky that He would help me.
This time though, I was fed up with my body betraying me. I was done. I sat in the pain and did nothing of myself to make the feeling go away, except to rest in Jesus.

I listened to worship music and swung higher and higher until the adrenaline of nearly falling off replaced my quickening heart and shallow breaths. I let myself have fun with God and enjoy His presence. I stopped focusing on the life of anxiety and sin I was “doomed” to have and let Him love me like He did on the cliffs. Then, I heard it again- a little different this time.

“I want to heal you.”

I started giggling. Admittedly, I have most definitely appeared crazy in the last week multiple times as I have heard God and laughed at Him…this was one of those times. I could do absolutely nothing to stop it though. My Savior put a smile on my face that I could not shake, because for once I believed He was speaking to me and I believed He was speaking truth. 

In that moment i had intense joy and peace. Panic and anxiety had immediately and completely disappeared.

Then, I remembered the words He spoke to me at church on Wednesday about how I needed to stop trying to convince Him not to love me. That made me laugh harder, because I realized this was Him trying to show me His love. I do not know how or when I will experience healing from anxiety and panic attacks, but I have faith that He will keep His promise.

God adores His children and He wants to give us good things. He wants to heal even the parts of us we never imagined He could touch. He knows us completely and loves us radically anyway.