"Ami?"
"Is that you Ami?"
"…My mom told me…I am so sorry."
"He's gone. My brother is gone and he is never coming back."
For the next 10 seconds of that phone call, all I could hear was my best friend in the whole world sobbing a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking sob that brought me to my knees in pain. The call dropped before I could say another word. After 35 failed attempts to get a signal from a tiny village in Cambodia to St. Louis, Missouri I curled up in my bed and cried the rest of the night. I felt stranded and helpless and my heart ached under the weight of such an evil, such a loss, and a compassion that came only from the Lord.
The next day, after an hour moto ride into town, I looked into her eyes over a Skype call and listened to her talk about her big brother. I wept with her as she spoke of what happened and about how her family was dealing with their loss. I listened to her tell me about how her mom had to tell countless people over the phone that she lost her little boy and that her grandpa screamed in agony when her mom told him his grandson was gone. She told me how much she missed him already. And then, with tears streaming down her face, she said something that took my breath away.
"God is still good-even when you lose a brother-God is still good."
Somehow, even though his death seemed unfair and even though it hurt like hell to know how much her family was hurting, I believed her. God is good. It didn't feel cliche or empty coming out of her mouth-it had weight and truth. I kept that truth with me for the rest of the week and as every day passed and more tragedy happened all around me, the more I believed it. God is constant and he is still good.
The next 5 days brought my team and the people we love more and more pain. Suddenly, my heart was not only hurting for people back home, but was also breaking for the people in the village. Each day the the fallenness of this world and the extent of the damage one man caused to so many peoples lives became more clear- as did the extent of God's grace and goodness and justice.
It was no coincidence the Lord had me in Prey Veng, Cambodia when tragedy hit home. I was there to love the people I was with; to trust that God would comfort and hold my best friend back home, while I comforted and held the people, who so quickly became my family in the village.
As tears fell from their confusion filled eyes day after day, we sat and cried with them. I watched them call out to God, fast, and worship Jesus with their whole heart, because they truly believed what Emily said.
God is good.
So tragedy and hope collided in the most beautiful of ways and we lifted our hands and hearts to the One who holds us all- the One who will protect and provide for His precious children left in the wake of evil.
And when we were all out of tears, we would talk and smile and laugh together, holding onto whatever joy we could find. We praised our God for all of His goodness and we rejoiced in who He is-even when their lives were falling apart around them.
After 6 days in the village, it was time for us to go. Circumstances had changed and God made it clear our time in Prey Veng was up. So, the next morning after breakfast, we told our new family goodbye. I hugged my girls, kissed them on the forehead, and made sure they knew that they were my sisters and I loved them. After praying with them one more time, we left. We got in the van and pulled away from the people who will forever have my heart, trusting that God could protect and provide for His children better than we could.
As we drove off, I repeated the scripture that had been running through my head on repeat all week long. And God, in all His goodness and mercy, brought the scripture to life right outside my window. I've never seen such beauty. Rice fields, colored with the brightest and richest shades of green, and still waters, where flooding made ponds full of lotus flowers, spread out as far as the eyes could see. In my grieving for all of these people I love, back home and in Cambodia, God was restoring my soul and comforting me in the most amazing ways. He has never felt more close and I have never seen Him so clearly.
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
(Psalm 23:1-6 ESV)
In suffering, in trials, in pain, in tragedy, in evil- even in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for God is with me and He is good.
He is so good.
