Friends, family, supporters, and followers of this journey: I’m sorry I’ve been home a week and a half, and haven’t written a blog about training camp!!
I’ve really wanted to write one. But to be honest, I’ve also felt like my words wouldn’t exactly capture how beautiful and precious it was to me. So I’m sorry if you’ve asked how it went and I’ve given you kind of a vague answer or said I would talk to you another time. I really am just so thrilled with what the Lord is doing, that I don’t want my words and stories to miss the essence of that.
Before training camp, I was so nervous (I wrote a little bit about this in my last blog). Most people would be nervous about going around the world for 11 months, meeting new people, not being sure of what they are doing, living out of a backpack, etc… and if I was dishonest, I could just chalk up all my nerves to those reasons too.
What terrified me the most was not traveling, or new cultures, or new community, or funding. What terrified me the most was God’s character and plan for me. I doubted His goodness & His sovereignty. What if I can’t taste and see that He is good? What if following His word and His promises isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be? What if my expectations of Him were just too big, and then the reality of Him let me down? What then?
So I went into training camp with a mindset to go all in, but not expect anything too great. I know, so positive right? And knowing my heart, I can just picture the Lord shaking his head, being sad for me that I didn’t trust Him, but smiling softly knowing He was about to blow me out of the water.
So for one, training camp was hard. I was very dirty, very smelly, and very sweaty most of the time. We had tents for homes, buckets for showers, and baby wipes for pretty much everything else. We ate with our hands (still so gross to me; I’m learning!!!), slept in obscure scenarios, and were given usually very vague instructions.
Our living conditions were really raw. And I think that set the precedent for everything else. We also didn’t have any mirrors; I didn’t see myself for 10 days. I think that set a precedent too.
The first five days of training camp we started with our heart and our own relationship and intimacy with Jesus. We focused on our own relationship with the Lord, so the love, joy, peace, and freedom that we have in Jesus, and share with others, can be real and overflow from our hearts. The Lord knew, Him and I had a lot to talk about.
It would be impossible to write about everything that the Lord did in my heart during training camp, but here are two of the highlights.
I’ve debated sharing both of these stories for a lot of different reasons. Mostly because what the Lord did is so sweet and precious to me, and so dear and intimate to my heart, that part of me doesn’t want to make these private moments so public.
But I know these stories may resonate with someone reading this blog, and that is enough to make it worth it.
During a session about identity (the first full day…God wasn’t messing around), I could hear the Lord’s voice so clearly: “Just let me love you. Just rest, and let me love you.” I’m the type of person that wants to love God, a lot more than I want Him to love me. So I responded, “Lord, give me a picture of what it means for you to love me.” I closed my eyes and my mind was transported to this other, heavenly place.
It was a room of all white. I could see myself dressed in a white robe, with a crown on my head. I was sitting on a throne-like chair in front of a mirror. I saw myself from the side, so I couldn’t see the reflection in the mirror.
I knew the Lord was right beside me, and had anointed my head with oil. I felt myself wanting to help, wanting to take the crown off and put it on myself, wanting to stand and help him prepare the blessing, and yet the Lord coaxed me to sit. “You don’t have to perform for me, Emily. Just sit, rest, and let me take care of it.”
I sat there, and I wouldn’t look up in the mirror. I didn’t want to. I thought about my sin, my shame, my inadequacies, and I just didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment with the Lord quite yet. I wanted it to last a little longer before I had to face myself.
I tried covering up the mirror. I tried running away from the mirror.
And I started trying to write these words in red paint over the mirror. Unworthy. Inadequate. Abandoned. Unloved. Sinful. Ashamed. The list goes on and on. And I can’t really describe it well, but those words just vanished when I wrote them. I tried writing them over and over because I wanted them on the mirror. I wanted them to stick.
I heard the Lord saying, “Just look up Emily. I know you don’t want to, but just look up.”
And when I looked up at the mirror, it wasn’t my face at all. It was the face of Jesus.
And the Lord said, “When I look at you Emily, this is how I see you. I see Jesus. And you are so perfect. So just sit and rest, and look at my reflection in you.”
So I sat. And I rested. And I looked at His reflection in me.
I also looked around the white room, and noticed that to my right, ahead in the direction of my right shoulder, there was a line of throne-like chairs next to me.
And there, in the chairs, were a few of my loved ones. They all had mirrors in front of them; Jesus was in their mirrors too. They were so comfortable in their chairs and it was if, I had just arrived to this heavenly party. And they were so excited that I was in my chair, finally looking at my reflection, at the face of Jesus.
I wrote this vision down but the truth is, I could never forget a single detail of it. Multiple times a day throughout training camp and now back at home, I take a few minutes and just go back to that place. Nothing can take away what this picture does to my heart.
Without mirrors at training camp, I saw a lot less of myself and saw a lot more of Jesus. When the Lord looks at His people, He sees His son. And He wants us to see that too. I am so excited to take this new sense of identity and freedom around the world to His people, for His glory.
So that’s story number 1. Here goes story number 2.
Fast-forward a few days, and we had a training scenario, where half our squad lost access to their packs. My sweet friend Campbell was one to lose her pack in this scenario, so we shared my equipment, clothes, toiletries, sleeping bag, and everything for about 36 hours.
After a night of sharing tents, our squad woke up for a morning exercise (See…it was like boot camp!) Sweet Campbell only had her chacos to run in. Within the first literal 3 min of running, she stumbled on rocks and gravel, twisted her ankle, and couldn’t walk for the rest of the day. Her ankle swelled up like a balloon and was lovingly nicknamed Keemy the Cankle by our squad. We got her set up with crutches and she hobbled around on the very gravel-y, rocky and sloping terrain of our location. She couldn’t put any pressure on it, propped it up on chairs during sessions, and got lots of weird stares because of how swollen and bruised it was. It was so sad!!! Throughout the day, our squad prayed over Campbell and asked for her ankle to be restored to full health.
That night, we had a session on the Holy Spirit. At the end, we prayed to receive the Holy Spirit, in a new and powerful way. I knew the Holy Spirit was already inside of me and during the prayer of receiving, I heard the Lord stir in me, “I want you to lay your hands on Campbell and pray for healing over her ankle.”
I first thought, “NO, NOT KEEMY!!!” Just kidding, I didn’t think that. At first, I actually tried ignoring God. I must have heard him wrong, He didn’t actually say that. And then He kept stirring my heart, and I argued with him a little. I’ve never laid hands and prayed for healing before….Why are asking me, of all people here, to do this? I don’t want to because…what if it doesn’t work?
When I couldn’t ignore the stirring in my heart much longer, in the middle of the prayer, I stopped and walked towards Campbell. I knelt down, laid my hands on her ankle, and just started praying.
I was so blessed that God had told a few other people to come pray over Campbell too, so we all touched her ankle, held hands and pressed in. Jordan, a member of the Training Camp serve team, came and prayed over her, and coached us along the way. We stopped and asked Campbell to assess her pain. She couldn’t put weight on it and winced in pain as she tried. Her pain was at a 6. We kept praying. About 10 min later, we asked again. Her pain was still at a 6. We kept praying. We asked again, her pain was at a 4!!! We kept praying and praying and praying. Her pain went from a 6… to a 4… to a 2… and then to a 1. The swelling went down. She ended the service, jumping up and down on her ankle, worshipping Jesus! WHAT???? JESUS HEALS, PEOPLE!!!!!!
Jesus heals the physical and the emotional, and we get to play a part. A few months ago, I told one of my best friends a secret wish I had, for God to use me to heal people on the World Race. I guess He just got started early! And I am so excited to take the power of the Holy Spirit with me around the world to His people, for His glory.
So yep…those were my two highlights from the week. God is so good!
Before training camp, I remember asking advice from a dear friend who is on the race right now. She told me the Lord would romance me in a whole new way this year… I remember thinking that sounds so personal and so intimate. But to be honest, also kind of flowery. I didn’t really get what that meant and thought maybe I’ll just be the Christian that doesn’t’ have that.
Well after this week, I can certainly see how the Lord has perfectly orchestrated so many events in my life and stirrings in my heart, to lead me to this place with this community, all to romance me. I am now so confident in the Lord’s work in me and through me, my call to this trip, and furthering His name among the nations.
So back to my questions before Training Camp…
“What if I can’t taste and see that He is good? What if following His word and His promises isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be? What if my expectations of Him were just too big, and then the reality of Him let me down? What then?”
I don’t think I have to worry about that anymore 🙂
P.S. I didn’t get to talk about my leadership team, squad and team & the impact they’ve already had on me. Another blog post coming soon!!
