It’s month 8 and I guess I thought I would feel a lot different than I do right now. I don’t know what I was expecting- Maybe to be a little more on fire for the Lord, maybe to be a little more sold out, maybe to be a little more radical…but mostly, I thought I would feel a little more satisfied.
I’ve spent all of my life with a longing for more. Day in and day out, I’ve wrestled with this feeling of discontentment. Nothing ever seemed to be enough
In school, I was longing. It wasn’t all that I hoped it to be. And I just thought, well maybe in a career…well maybe when I start making money…well maybe in promotions and success…then surely it will be different.
In friendships, I was longing. They weren’t all that I hoped them to be. Well maybe in a different community… well maybe in deeper, more intimate relationships…then surely it will be different.
In family, I was longing. It wasn’t all that I hoped it to be. Well maybe with a change in family dynamic…or maybe when I have a family of my own…then surely it will be different.
In my relationship, I was longing. It wasn’t all that I had hoped it to be. Well maybe in a lifetime commitment… well maybe in a marriage…then surely it will be different.
Now, in my absence of relationship, I am longing. It’s not all that I hoped it to be. Well maybe with a different person…maybe in the fulfillment of all my prayers and dreams for my future husband…then surely it will be different.
As I wrestle with the discontented state of my heart, my longings were ever present; sometimes they just looked a little more spiritual. The answer must lie in my Christian walk.
In my ministry, I was longing. It wasn’t all that I hoped it to be. Well maybe if I minister to a different group of people…well maybe if I minister in a different place…then surely it will be different.
In every aspect of my life, I was longing. And my maybes just became a little more drastic and a little more desperate.
Well maybe if I leave everything…well maybe if do something so crazy and so radical and so unlike anything I have ever done… well maybe if travel around the world, sharing the love of Jesus Christ everywhere I go…well then SURELY it will be different.
Here I am in month 8, and to be completely honest, it’s not.
The World Race hasn’t satisfied me any more than school, friendships, family, a previous relationship, a hope for a future relationship, or ministry. It hasn’t satisfied me any more than anything else in my life, and everything else in my life has left me discontent.
So I did something so crazy and so radical, encountered completely different cultures, traveled around the world and shared the love and hope of our living God, and yet I am STILL feeling dissatisfied? Yep.
I thought if anything would lessen my discontentment, surely it would be the World Race, right? Nope.
In contrast, the World Race has left me emptier than ever before.
Now as I think about my future, my calling, my purpose here on earth, I still am longing (shocker). Well maybe if I go into full time ministry…well maybe if I lead a squad…well maybe if plant a church…then surely it will be different.
I’ve concluded that I suffer from an insatiable, and seemingly incurable, thirst and longing, and a great, uncomfortable awareness of it.
This pursuit of fulfillment has often driven me crazy and driven me to do even crazier things (hence living out of a backpack for an entire year!!)
Part of me is tempted to think I suffer from this more than most, but then again we are all human, so maybe I’m just a little more determined to find what we are all looking for. The further and deeper I get on this more and more seemingly unending search, I become more desperate than even before.
So here I am in month 8 of what I thought was surely the answer, still wrestling. And here I am in month 8 of what I thought was surely the answer, still coming up short.
And yet, somehow the Lord has used my undeterred pursuit of meaning, significance, and fulfillment, to speak to me.
He has said:
He delights in my thirst and longing and discontented heart.
He not only delights in it, but also perfectly designed and created me to be discontent in all of these things.
I follow Him, not to gain satisfaction in school, a career, family, friendships, relationships, or even work for His kingdom, but rather to simply have Him.
He is not a means to an end, but the end itself.
He designed me to long, He designed everything else in all of creation to dissatisfy, to lead me to my wits end in desperation, all to draw me further to Himself.
It is a beautiful thing, to be dissatisfied and longing for anything less than Him.
And I don’t suffer from an insatiable, and seemingly incurable thirst and longing, but rather a misdiagnosis of my need.
And my need is simply Him.
Jesus- The end Himself. How beautiful and how profound.
He does this because He knows He is what is best for me.
He is jealous for me and He is not going to let anything take His rightful place in my heart.
He knows me better than I know myself.
He not only knows my needs, He IS my need.
He is faithful and kind and only in Him, I have found that my soul is truly satisfied.
