I’m 22. I’m single. And I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
Wow. What strange words to say and what strange words to type. I honestly, never in a million years, thought that these words would ever come out of my mouth or be written by my own hands. And I’m guessing most of you- family, friends, those following my journey, or those who know really anything about my life- are just a little bit surprised too.
I thought I was going home to get engaged. The last time I was truly single, I was 15 years old. Flash forward 7 years and here we are today.
I ended up on this crazy adventure that takes me around the world, to a new foreign country each month. Each time, I enter and I don’t know the history, I don’t know the culture, I don’t know the language, and I don’t know the way of life. Each time, I enter into completely unfamiliar territory and do everything I can to adjust and adapt.
And yet somehow, this change of physical place sheds only the tiniest glimpse into the adjustment and adaption of my heart and the trajectory of my entire life.
I am here to say that I have never experienced such confusion, such doubt, such loss, such heartbreak, such heartache, such pain, and such grief as I have these last 6 weeks.
But I am also here to say that I have never experienced such freedom, such deliverance, such answered prayers, such confirmation from the Lord, such comfort, such peace, such redemption, such intimacy with Him, and such hope as I have these last 6 weeks.
I have never relied on our precious Savior, clung to Him and His word, and desperately depended on Him to come through more. And I am here to say that our God is real and our God is good.
I am here to say that He sees us, He hears us, and He cares for us. He sets us apart. He rescues us and delivers us. Sometimes He even rescues us and delivers us from things we don’t even know we need to be rescued or delivered from. He breaks our chains. And sometimes He breaks chains we don’t even know hold us captive. He knows us, our deepest desires and longings, and our hearts better than we know them ourselves.
I am also here to say that I have never felt more treasured and cherished by the Lord in my entire life. How incredible is that??? Thank you Jesus for this sweet gift. He loves me, is jealous for me, and has plans to prosper me. Because of this, He is willing to fight for me and has done so time and time again. He always fights for us, even when sometimes we are tempted to think or feel like He is fighting against us.
This change has required me to abandon all, surrender all, and lay everything on the altar. So on Wednesday, November 16, at a little park in Skopje, Macedonia, I made a physical altar to the Lord.
I laid down all of my love.
I laid down another person- their complete physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and eternal wellbeing.
I laid down my security.
I laid down my assurance.
I laid down my identity.
I laid down my idolization.
I laid down my unfulfilled promises. I laid down my expectations.
I laid down my deepest desires and longings.
I laid down my anxiety and fear.
I laid down my brokenness. I laid down my pain.
I laid down my confusion.
I laid down my heavy burden.
I laid down my bondage. I laid down my defeated stance.
I laid down the deceitful parts of my thoughts and my heart.
I laid down my doubt and my disbelief.
I laid down my hopes.
I laid down every single one of my dreams.
I laid down my whole will.
And in the end, I laid down my whole heart.
Sometimes surrender is easy and sometimes surrender is painstakingly hard. Sometimes it requires a little mustard seed of faith and sometimes it requires a whole mountain load. Sometimes acts of surrender can surprise you. And sometimes you discover you have a little more courage, a little more faith, and a little more spiritual fight than you thought you did.
Here I am in Africa and this month has been nothing short of terribly challenging.
My beautiful team and I have experienced bed bugs every night, maggots on our ceiling and in our food, bucket showers with cockroaches, and spiders on every wall. We have experienced ministry and outreach where people mock us, berate us, cat call us, and leave us feeling objectified. We have experienced racism. We have experienced physical and verbal harassment. We have had our safety compromised. We have experienced 2 car accidents. We have experienced malaria (4 of 6 my precious teammates have malaria. They have been treated and are currently on the road to recovery!) We have experienced Christmas in Zambia away from loved ones and the comfort of home. We have chosen to sacrifice it all for the sake of the gospel and the service of His kingdom.
These past 6 weeks, time and time again, I have given my whole heart and my whole will as a sweet sacrifice to our great King.
I have bared it all, and yet, I still look at my life and my heart and I think,
“My great King, what more can I give?”
You are worthy of it all. You are worthy of the bed bugs. You are worthy of the maggots. You are worthy of the bucket showers and the spiders. You are worthy of the persecution. You are worthy of the objectification. You are worthy of the racism. You are worthy of the harassment. You are worthy of the danger. You are worthy of the car accidents. You are worthy of malaria. You are worthy of homesickness and loneliness and everything else in between. You are worthy of all confusion, all doubt, all heartbreak, all heartache, all pain, all sorrow, all grief, and all loss. You are worthy of it all.
Because when I look at the precious birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus, any “sacrifice” or “surrender” I make is a filthy rag in comparison.
When I look at our King of Kings who was beaten, mocked, scorned and hung on a cross to die for my transgressions so I could live in eternal communion with Him, I am so utterly humbled and the only thing I can muster to say is:
“My great King, what more can I give?”
You are worthy of it all.
And what a beautiful juxtaposition: We have the opportunity to find the Lord, but only when we give Him our whole hearts.
“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart.”
-Jeremiah 29:13
He never withholds from us. He always has His best for us. But He wants all of us. And He is worthy of that.
I am here to say that these 6 past weeks as I have laid down my whole heart and I have asked our Great King what more I could give,
I have found the Lord.
And I would choose finding Him, over anything else on heaven and earth, a million times over.
