Yesterday I was setting up my tent, for the first time, in my living room. I leave for training camp tomorrow and I thought it was a good idea to practice, to hopefully show up in Gainesville, GA and be the cool, outdoorsy girl who whips up her tent like she has done it every day of her life.
I felt really overwhelmed and very in over my head. I have never set up a tent before and kept re-reading the directions and watching several YouTube videos (“Set up this most simple tent in just 5 minutes!!) of grandpas, in camping gear with fishing poles in the background, explaining every detail of the whole whopping 2-step process (I’m not telling you what tent I have, because it’s suppose to be the easiest to set up).
See, the orange poles were supposed to go in the orange holes and the black poles in the black holes. But I only had orange poles, confusing right??
I spent a good 30 minutes thinking I had a defect tent because 1.) The orange-black pole dilemma, and 2.) I thought the poles would totally break when I stretched them so tight to fit. I didn’t realize tent poles did that??
This tent experience was a lot like everything else this past month: a little overwhelming. May has been a month of visiting family and friends, trying to find adequate words to both explain my mission trip (when I don’t know very many details) and say goodbye for a year, fundraising, and lots of preparation.
REI was a whole other fun experience. I went for the first time in my life and was a deer in headlights. I know NOTHING about camping, the great outdoors, or really anything useful to surviving out of a backpack. I’ve been back to the store four times since and I’m pretty sure every REI employee runs the other direction when they see me, because I am the most helpless customer. Cameron and my mom take turns going with me, each always taking one for the team. I walked into the store not knowing what an airporter does, what a compression sack is, and really, what tent/sleeping bag/backpack/daypack/headlamp/dry sacks/rain jacket/packing cubes to buy. I love feeling way in over my head and having no idea what I am doing (Can you sense the sarcasm? I’m not a very sarcastic person so trying it out).
So flashback to my living room yesterday, I finally got the dang tent up, and then learned the rainfly was something totally separate with it’s own 2-step process. Everything was going great, until it instructed me to “Stake the vestibule loop down. Pull cord through cleat until taut; wedge cord into slot to “lock it.” What????? What is a vestibule? What does taut mean? How can I “wedge the cord”? And suddenly it became a lot less about the vestibule and a lot more about, “How am I going on this trip and going to set up/sleep in a tent, have 5 t-shirts, and live out of a backpack for a year?”
And I came to face this fact: I am not the right person for the World Race.
I wish I could say I love the outdoors and can’t wait to whip up my tent, no problem. I wish I could say I’m looking forward to wearing basketball shorts every day to adhere to the dress code and think living out of a backpack is exhilarating. I wish I could say I can’t wait to use baby wipes instead of real showers, and think my hiking sandals aren’t the most ugly pair of shoes I’ve ever worn. I wish I could say I wasn’t nervous to spend a year in close community with people who have very different personalities, all of whom I’ve never met yet. I wish I could say I never had moments where I was scared the World Race/training camp/my squad/my team/and my life as a foreign missionary wouldn’t live up to what I’ve imagined. But to be honest, I can’t say any of those things. The fact is: I am not the right person for the World Race.
And through realizing I am not the right person for the World Race, I have realized I am also not the right person for God’s Kingdom and eternity in heaven with Him.
I wish I could say I opened up my bible more this month and spent more time knelt in prayer. I wish I could say I had more verses memorized and didn’t doubt the Lord’s plan for me. I wish I could say I didn’t fall into sin daily. I wish I could say that my walk with the Lord was always constant, consistent, and that I was always attune to the Lord and the power of His spirit. I wish I could say I was a natural-born servant and overflowing with a selfless heart. I wish I could say I was confident in my abilities to minister to others and make disciples. I wish I could say I’ve mastered the art of picking up my cross and sacrificing myself for the glory of the King. But I can’t say any of those things either. The fact is: I am not the right person for God’s Kingdom and eternity in heaven with Him.
But praise Jesus: He doesn’t pick the right people. Instead, He is the right Savior.
When I am faithless, He is faithful. When I am inconsistent, He is consistent. When I am weak, He is strong. When I am full of doubt, He knows all. When I am fearful, He is fearless. When I am dirty, He is clean. When I am sinful, He is pure. When I feel bound by the world, He is free. When I am overwhelmed, He is peace. When I am lacking in the fruits of the spirit, He is overflowing. When I am selfish, He is selfless. When I am worthless, He is so worthy. When I bring nothing to the table, He brings everything. And when I was the worst of sinners, Jesus died on the cross for my sins so I could live in eternal communion with Him. I am not the right person, but He is the right Savior.
Jesus is so good to me and so good to us. Tomorrow I leave for training camp to set up my tent (pray for me!), meet my squad, find out my team, learn more about the mission behind the World Race, and prepare for a year of discipleship and ministering in foreign nations. As I go, I am learning to live in His grace and celebrate the process and the progress. And I am learning to be glad that I can’t say I am the right person for the World Race, or more importantly, for an eternity spent with Jesus. Isn’t salvation and life with Jesus so much sweeter that way? I am praising Jesus because He doesn’t pick the right people and because He is the right Savior.
