Around …. and ….. Around…… Spinning …. Out …. Of …. Control…
What do you do?
FOCUS.
As a little girl one of my most favorite pass times was when I was allowed outside for the day, and could run to my favorite swing which was located on a hill hanging under a very old tree.
Everday I would race up that hill and run up to my little swing, a swing that I never actually "sat" on.
My favorite thing to do on that swing was lay across it on my tummy and use my feet on the ground to wind myself up, I would twist and twist and twist until that swing could twist no more and my feet were barely still touching the earth.
Then I would pick a focus point so as not to get too dizzy while spinning around uncontrolably, usually it was on another tree about 60-80ft away.
Once I had my spot picked I would count to three, ……….1…….2……..3…….. and LET GO!
Around and Around and Around and Around I went, squealing in delight and never once feeling sick!
Once the swing came completely unwound I would wait until I could see straight again, and then wind myself back up over and over for hours at a time.
Almost 17 years later I still think back on those fun days of spinning on my swing, of carefreeness (yes I just made up that word) and the joy of knowing that my biggest worry was whether or not I could make it to the swing before the rest of my 6 siblings came tumbling outside.
Almost 17 years later God is using my favorite childhood pass time to teach me a lesson, today!
So far in my classes here at CGA I have been learning alot of things about myself.
Some Good things.
Some Hard things.
One of the biggest things I discovered about myself is this:
" I don't believe that I can trust anyone."
Yepp I said it, I don't trust people.
Not even You.
This trust issue that I have, it stems from some very old and deep wounds from my past.
Another thing I've learned is: I don't know how to grieve.
Grief …. What is that anyway?
I decided to look it up in the trusty Merriam Webster Online Dictionary, this is what they had to say about Grieve/Grief
Grief – deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.
Grieve – to feel or show grief over.
So grief is distress caused by death. Not physical death neccesarily, sometimes death is in the lies being spoken over you constantly, or death in the form of abandonment, death in angry parents who fought alot, death in insecurities, in comparison to others. etc. etc.
To Grieve is to feel or show the "grief" mentioned above.
God has been showing me that I don't grieve, instead I take the pain and hurt that has been cast onto me and I stuff it down deep inside. This again stems from old woundings in my past.
Wounds that I had hidden deep down like a buried treasure only without an X marking the spot, because I never wanted to have to know or feel them again.
The list of things that I am learning about myself could go on and on if I had the time or energy to write it all out.
But I won't.
Discovering these things about myself has both shocked me, and made me want to FIX IT all at once.
My brain is constantly running between thoughts of " why am I such a mess?'" " Oh yeah because I can't grieve, and I don't trust people etc. etc." "So how can I fix this?" " Do I need to journal more?" "Blog more?" "Seek Counsel?" "I need to spend time working on my wounds" " I need to think and pray into my calling" "I need to press into relationships more" "I need to be in the spirit more" " What does it mean to be In the Spirit?"
My mind is spinning with all these things and it threatens to overwhelm and send me over the edge.
HERE IT COMES.
Que the lesson from God.
The other day I had a break down and was just completely and utterly losing it, and that's when God reminded me.
"Emily, what was it that you did when you were spinning on the swing to keep you from falling?"
"You found a focus point and kept your eyes on it". "I AM your focus point Emily".
When everything else is spinning out of control, and your starting to fall because of the chaos.
Find Me. Keep Your Eyes On Me.
In this season God is helping me to dig into all of those wounds and expose them to His light.
He is helping me set free of the lies and death that has been apart of my thinking for so long, and He is daily speaking sweet words of loving tenderness over me. He is teaching me what it means to be a daughter, and what a father/daughter relationship should look like. He is becoming my only Focus Point in life, and I am falling more in love with Him everyday.
I think the lyrics from one of my favorite childhood artists Jump5 can sum it all up in their song: Spinnin' Around :
I'll keep my heart, my eyes on You
'Cause you keep me spinnin' around..Spinnin' around!
