Faint Not.

Oh My Soul Faint Not.

                                                                   Faint Not.

Oh My Soul Keep Up

                                                                   In Love.

                                                                                          FAINT NOT.

 

     These song lyrics have literally helped me "keep on keeping on" this month in Kenya.                                                
I have to be honest and say that if I had known ahead of time how hard this month was going to be, I'm
not really sure that I would've continued with my world race. I have struggled more this month than I ever
have in my entire life, and there have been/are still times when I think "I cannot do this anymore God."  

    There have been multiple things that I have struggled with this month, but mainly these two things: sickness,
and spiritual attacks. Now that I think about it a little more, I suppose the sickness could be considered physical attacks.
So then I guess I've been struggling with both physical and spiritual attacks from satan.

   
    Physical –  Physically I have pretty much been sick the entire month, starting out with small stuff like bronchitis, diarrhea, nausea,
and ending up with bigger stuff like hookworms and Typhoid. Hookworms are nasty little creatures that suck your blood and basically
take all the nutrients out of your body, if they become bad enough you can even become anemic. When I found out that I had typhoid I really
didn't think it was a big deal because I didn't really know much about it, or the symptoms that come with the disease. Because I was so unprepared,
it definitely threw me for a loop. Typhoid Fever is not a fun illness to have because it makes you extremely weak, tired, have no appetite, achey,
chills/feverish, etc. etc. Basically it drains you of any energy, simple things like walking a few feet to the bathroom can feel like you just ran a marathon.
In order to get rid of the disease you have to take lots of medicines both orally and through daily injections, unfortunately though the meds make you feel
ten times worse then what you originally felt. I can honestly say that if I never have to take another pill or get another injection in my vein, arm, wrist, finger,
or butt ever again I will be more than ok!! Haha. Part of being sick means of course you don`t feel good, but there's another whole part to it that I never
knew about until now. Being sick can literally affect your entire mood/attitude.  Especially when you seem to ALWAYS be sick. It becomes very easy to get
angry, sad, stressed, irritated, mean, confused, emotional, and depressed. I know personally that I have experienced all of these things this month.
I find myself getting easily irritated at my teammates who do nothing but love me despite my selfishness, sometimes I get so sad for no reason and just
break into tears without any provocation. I get depressed and feel that I am doing nothing good or worthwhile, and lately I have been constantly worrying
about what will happen " next"  once my World Race is over in less than four months time. 

 

    Spiritual – Spiritually I have felt dry, lacking, and really just "out of it" entirely.  I feel like I'm in a rut, going nowhere, just……. stuck. I've felt so alone even
when surrounded by people, and so unloved and uncared for. I've felt trapped inside this house, inside this compound, but  mostly I'm trapped inside my head ….
inside my thoughts. I've been overwhelmed with all the sickness, spiritual darkness, and feelings of insecurity that I cannot control. I have let satan speak words
of death into my ear, put impure thoughts in my mind, and to fill my heart with fear and worry about the "unknown".  I've let things from my past resurface and fill
me with regrets, shame, and guilt. I have allowed myself to get into a place so dark and deep that I no longer know how to climb back out again. In all of this I have
struggled with feelings of abandonment, I feel like God has left me all alone and is nowhere to be found. I can't seem to pray, or read my bible, or even ask for
God to help me.  I am falling apart, and I don't know if I can be put back together again. 

   
    Maybe I'm not meant to be put together again, at least not back to the way I was. 

   
     Before I left for the World Race I attended a "Training Camp"  back in October which was meant to " get us ready" for life as a missionary. I had no idea
what I was getting myself into back then and I figured that they were gonna teach us what to say, wear, eat,how to set up my tent, learn to pack well,
basically how to be " An Amazing Missionary" ! Hahahahahaha!  Oh how naive I was then!!  I had no idea that the training camp was going to be more like
learning how to be completely open with people, cut soul ties, share my past, and how to live "Community" style. I am also realizing now that alot of the stuff
they told us back then is going to help me RIGHT NOW!  One thing they told us back at training camp and which actually was just spoken again over me
and my team by my Amazing Squad Coaches (Love you Randy and Betsy) , is that there are three main phases that you go through while on the world race.
 The three phases are :  Abandonment, Brokeness , and Dependency on God. 

     
    I know that in the last 7 months of my world race I have been in both the "Abandonment" and  "Brokeness" phases, especially these past two months.
This past week has been even harder then all the others, mostly because I realized something. Something that scares the hell out of me, something that
makes me just want to pack up and go home right NOW! 

 

    What I've realized is that now it's time for me to begin that 3rd phase of my world race. It is time for me to let go of everything from my past, the present,
and my unknown future. It is time for me to stop listening to satan, and to get out of the pit I've been in for so long. 

   
   Dependency on God.   

   I am still struggling with feeling trapped,  I am still worried about my future, I am still feeling dry. I still have a hard time not letting my surroundings,
sickness, emotions, overwhelm me. But I know that even though I am still feeling and struggling with all of these things, God is there. And in learning
dependency on God, I am learning to say admist all the things " God I know you are good, and even though I'm confused and don't understand your plans,
I give all my fears, frustrations, sickness, annoyances, my past, present, and future over to you."

   
    Maybe I'm not meant to be put back together again, instead maybe I'm meant to give all those abandoned and broken pieces to God, so that He can
start making a brand new me.

 

Oh My Soul Faint Not.

                                                                   Faint Not.

Oh My Soul Keep Up.

                                                                   In Love.

                                                                                               FAINT NOT.