Be Free.
That’s a sentiment that my contact in Rwanda often said.
Being free is not something that comes naturally to me.
It’s not something I feel comfortable doing.
It takes a conscious effort for me to be free.
And forced freedom seems like an oxymoron.
What does it even mean to be free?
To me it’s about being comfortable in your own skin.
Owning whatever it is that you do.
Not caring what the crowd thinks about you.
In most areas of my life I would say that I’m a pro at this.
I rarely let others influence me.
If I don’t want to do something I don’t.
If I want to do something I do.
But I greatly fail at this when it comes to doing things in public.
More specifically dancing.
The moment I’m in a setting of dancing in public, I freeze.
No matter what I do, I feel like a fool.
Even if no one is watching, I feel like all eyes are on me.
I’ve never been a dancer.
I blame my Southern Baptist roots.
Unfortunately, dance parties are a popular past time in the AIM community.
I’ve found myself awkwardly on the outside of many-a-dance circle in the last year.
So, naturally, when my roommate invited me to help out at the special needs costume dance at the YMCA I said yes.
Because, why wouldn’t I want to go to a dance party in my free time?
It started off about as I expected.
Super awkward.
I felt like I was back at the one middle school dance I went to.
Awkwardly trying to find where I fit in.
After a couple of songs of me dancing around the friends I came with I remembered something we had been talking about in my ‘women who can’ class.
We’ve been talking about insecurities.
How everyone has them.
And that the best way to get over insecurity is to fake it until you make it.
Annie gave the example of how she used to hate dancing.
She always felt super awkward.
And people did not hesitate to make note of how awkward she looked.
And then one day she decided she would just own it.
She would fake feeling comfortable dancing.
She would act like she knew exactly what she was doing.
And eventually people started saying she was a good dancer.
And eventually she believed it herself.
So, I took Annie’s advice.
I faked it.
I began to dance like it was the most natural thing to me.
Like I dance all the time for my own enjoyment.
Then I began to get out of my comfort zone even more.
I started dancing with some of the special needs attendants.
And let me tell you, they are free.
They will wear you out with their high energy dancing.
They don’t care who’s watching.
They are free.
And for a night, I was free too.
I found myself desiring to get away from the people I came with and instead dance with everyone else.
For the first time in my life I was on the dance floor all night.
And I had fun.
I had a lot of fun.
Now, if you’re expecting this blog to end by me saying I’ve been forever cured of not feeling free then you are going to be a little disappointed.
But it’s not about being cured overnight.
One day, I’ll wake up and I will feel free.
But it’s a process.
And all the special needs people I danced with that night helped me get a little closer to freedom.
All Photo Credits in this Blog go to Justin Marshall.
