As I have been searching for freedom this month in Peru, I have felt at peace in the midst of all these endless emotions and the craziness of this missionary life style. I am exhausted from long days of ministry, lack of nutrition, and the struggles of finding my identity in this world. But through all of this exhaustion, I feel at peace.
Before this world race journey began, God seemed so distant and I did not really understand what it meant to have “the Holy Spirit alive in me.” I was at a really low point and I was searching for truth in any way possible.
If you would have asked me a year ago about my beliefs, I would have told you there was a God, but I don’t know if I would have told you that he was my Father, and that he loved me. I would not have told you that the Holy Spirit has the power to speak through me. I would not have fully understood the importance of Christ dying for me on the cross. And I would not have the courage and beliefs that I have today after all the challenges and experiences that God has walked me through.
My whole life I have struggled with the concept of who God is.
How can I have a relationship with someone I cannot see or touch? Does he really know me and can he really hear me? Does he really know my every thought and every hair on my head? Did he really send his son Jesus to die for me and all of my sins? I never could grasp the mystery of who God was and why He would love me.
As each day passes on this journey, I am striving to learn more and more about God and his love for me.
I understand that I may never know all of the answers to these questions. But through all of these questions, I am beginning to understand and believe that I have a voice in this world. When the Holy Spirit is in me, I have the power to speak life and truth into others. If I am willing and accepting to listen to the Holy Spirit, I can help lead people to know the God of the Universe, who sent his son Jesus to heal us of our diseases. I can help show people that his love is redeeming and his grace is endless.
God created each and every one of us for a purpose and he longs to have a personal relationship with us, but sometimes we are too sick to see and too caught up in the ways of the world to recognize the life that God is trying to give us.
One night during worship, we were praying for the Holy Spirit to enter our hearts. I was open and ready to receive this freedom that I saw surrounding me. Although this was new and extremely intimidating, it felt so right and it was something I wanted so badly. It is one of the reasons I am on this crazy journey in the first place. I want to know God in different ways.
During this time of worship and while everyone was praying for the Holy Spirit, my beautiful and loving friend Julie came up to me and started praying over me. She shared this bible verse with me that she felt on her heart was from the Lord. Ever since that night, I have felt peace in this message that speaks so much comfort and understanding into my life.
“A large crowd followed Jesus and pushed very close around him. Among them was a woman who has been bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered very much from many doctors and spent all the money she had, but instead of improving, she was getting worse. When the woman heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his coat. She thought, if I can just touch his clothes, I can be healed.
Instantly her bleeding stopped, and she felt in her body she was healed from the disease. At once, Jesus felt power go out from him. So he turned around in the crowd and asked,” Who touched my clothes?” His followers said, “Look at how many people are pushing against you! And you ask, “who touched me?”
But Jesus continued looking around to see who had touched him. The woman knowing that she was healed, came and fell at Jesus’ feet shaking with fear, she told him the whole truth. Jesus said to her, “Dear woman, you are made well because you believed. Go in peace; be healed of your disease.”
-Mark 5 21-34
Like this woman in the bible, it feels like I have suffered for many years and instead of getting better, I was only getting worse. I felt like no matter what I did or how hard I tried to live a good life, I was not fully happy. Growing up I had a normal childhood. I had a loving family, a roof over my head, food on the table, we would go to church occasionally, and overall I lived a fairly normal life.
I realized that as I was getting older, something was missing and the life that I was living was not satisfying. But the more I tried to get my life together, the more it seemed to fall apart. I started to run towards the ways of the world and got caught up in the wrong crowd. The problem was that I was trying to make plans and live according to what I wanted, not what God wanted.
I would go to church and join small groups and go to Young Life camps and get on all these religious highs but soon after, I would fall back into my old ways. It was hard to understand how great and powerful the Lord was when I didn’t truly believe it in my heart. I was not surrounded or supported with this environment at home or with the friends I would hang out with, so it did not make any sense how God could love me so much.
I have been longing for Jesus my whole life but did not know how to fully surrender my life to him, because like this woman, I was sick and not well and I wanted to figure out life on my own.
This year, I have experienced God like I have never before. He is alive and so close to me in everyway. The most exciting thing about it is that, I have only barley touched him. He has so much to show me and so much to teach me this year. This year I am laying all of my life down. The past, the present, and the future. I know I am made well and healed because I believe in my heart that God loves me and He would do anything for me. I have accepted him into the depths of my heart.
God has given me peace and therefore he has healed me from my past, my struggles and my hurts. I am free. I can now walk in peace and find my true identity and happiness in him alone.
I believe that the Holy Spirit spoke through Julie that night to speak into my heart and give me a clear vision of the life that God has planned for me. He wants to show me the peace he has to offer and that his way is the only way to true happiness and true life.
My eyes have been opened and I have seen a light that I have never seen before. Things are suddenly making sense and I am learning more and more about this life that I have been turning away from all my life. God’s timing is great and although I went down paths that were not exactly guided by Christ, he walked alongside me through those dark times and he has finally saved me for good.
God is a gentleman and he will not enter your heart unless he is invited. That night, I truly invited the Lord into my heart and accepted the Holy Spirit into my soul. I know this year will be challenging and I will face many trials, but with God by my side, I know I will be able to fight through the storms. Even though I don’t have everything figured out and I still have so many questions and doubts, I am at peace with where I am in the process and I know that the Lords plans are far greater than mine.
God has placed so many great examples of faith in my life this year and I am overwhelmed with joy because I am surrounded by people who believe in me and love me despite of my past, struggles, and challenges.
My life is just beginning. Things that were once foggy, now seem so clear. I am learning to dwell in who I am, not who I am not. I am searching for a vision and passion that God has placed in my heart. I am starting to learn who I am and find my identity in Christ.
Words cannot describe the feelings from that night of worship. People were singing, people were laughing, people were crying, people were praying on their knees, people were all over the place. I was surrounded by so many people, but felt alone with God, in a good way. I had such an intimate time with the Lord that night. Again, this style of worship I have experienced is totally new and intimidating but it has been so eye opening and freeing and I am loving every minute of it.
Jesus has healed me, and because I have believed, I am able to go in peace.
I pray the same for each and everyone of you who are reading this blog. If you feel distant from God or have never really asked Jesus into your heart, I encourage you to ask Him now and you will not regret it. Remember that God is a gentleman and he won’t come into your heart unless you invite him. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”- Matthew 7-8
God has bigger plans for your life than you have for yourself. What are you waiting for? Ask the creator of the universe into your heart and life and you will be healed of your disease and be able to walk in peace.
