The inevitable is here. The days that I thought would never come. The days I sometimes envisioned at the peak of my discomfort and in the midst of my weakest moments. The days I tried to avoid thinking about because I never wanted them to end. The days I dreaded in the back of my mind knowing I would have to say goodbye to the people whom I have shared this life altering experience with. The days that seemed forever distant are here. The final days of my world race journey are coming to a close.
With home waiting anxiously around the corner, I think I’ve felt and experienced almost every emotion from unexplainable laughter to deep overwhelming cries. When I sit long enough to reminisce on these past 11 months and try to put words to my thoughts, I come up speechless. There are too many thoughts and not enough words. But I have accepted that I don’t need to have answers to everything or the perfect response for the questions I will be challenged by. For I know what is in my heart and I will forever carry those beautiful memories that have been planted in my soul. I trust that the thoughts that seem so broad and scattered right now will come at the right time and will be spoken to those that need to hear. With all that being said, I have accepted the fact that it’s time. It’s time for another new beginning. It’s time that I start wrapping up this chapter of my storybook so I can turn the page and stand confident looking at the blank pages that are still unwritten. It is time to reflect back on how my world has transformed in ways unimaginable.
So as I lay here on my sleeping pad starring up at the daddy long leg spider that has so effortlessly crafted his home in the corner directly above where I sleep and as I sit ever so calmly watching the army of ants crawling back and forth past my bed pad while I flick away the occasional ant that tickles it’s way up my arm…I can confidently state that this past year has changed my life.
The fact that I can rest peacefully at night with the windows creaked open without any fear of spiders, cockroaches, lizards, or any other creature sneaking in my sleeping bag blows my mind.
I have slept a total of 7 months on the floor and I have showered with ice COLD water out of a bucket for a majority of the year. The fact that this is “normal” lets me know that my view of comfort has shifted drastically. (FYI-aside from spiders, my biggest fear about coming on the race was missing out on my hot water showers. I know, sounds ridiculous. I have come a long way though!
Reading for pleasure was never in my vocabulary. It was a foreign concept to me before the race. But now I have found myself reading books in my spare time and actually enjoying them. The fact that I can say that I have read over 5 different books this year is impressive in and of itself….and I’m not talking children’s books.
Tomatoes, avocados, oatmeal, dark chocolate, chick peas, barley, prunes, raisins, and just about any food that screams health have all been adopted onto my personal food pyramid this year….not only that…(drum roll please) I have started eating chicken off of the bone which is something I could not get myself to do pre-race. The one thing I will stand strong and not give into is fish. Luckily I wasn’t forced to eat any of that this year…but I got my share of smells thanks to Cambodia.
The fact that I was able to drink rain water that trickled it’s way down into a rusty gutter that fell into the huge plastic filter (aka-jojo) in Swaziland says enough coming from someone who despised tap water.
I’m not at all trying to say that this year has taught me to be barbaric or that I have turned into a intellectual bookworm or that my taste buds have changed or that I used to be very needy and now I am not (although some of those statements are true). What I am trying to express is that these past 11 months have taught me to view life through a different lens. They have opened my eyes to a world unseen and shifted my perspective in innumerable ways.
Being a missionary and doing ministry does not always mean traveling overseas, volunteering at an orphanage, building a house, or serving soup at a soup kitchen. I realized it’s about loving the people you are surrounded by every day in every moment no matter where you are. I have a new understanding and respect for different cultures. I have learned to view people, no matter their status, age, income, or appearance with acceptance and love, not judgment and resentment. I have been stretched in ways that I didn’t think I could bend. All of the things that I once thought satisfied me and filled me up don’t seem so fulfilling after all. All the things that once instilled my mind with fear, I can now laugh at. All the obstacles that once seemed SO big, are now all behind me. My mind has been renewed and my definition for love has grown. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought I could know and what’s even better is that the Lord is still not done with me. I know this to be true because the word says,“God began doing a good work in you, and I am sure He will continue until it is finished.”(Philippians 1:6)
It has been SO rewarding to reflect back on the challenges that once seemed impossible. To see the growth that has occurred and to know I am a stronger woman because of it all. AND along the way, God has blessed me with so many fun and unforgettable memories. I’ve experienced the most bizarre and spontaneous adventures and lived through moments I could have never dreamed or envisioned. It’s all because I accepted an invitation and believed that there was more. Before this year, I often found myself challenging God and questioning whether or not he would ever be able to change my heart, mind, and soul. I also questioned myself whether or not I was truly up for the challenge. But with a small ounce of faith, I accepted the invitation knowing that this would shape me into the woman I was created to be and give me a foundation and purpose in this unsteady life. I was willing to take a risk and step outside of my comfort zone in order to live a story worth sharing and become the person I have been longing to be.
I am reading through the book, Love Does (now would you look at that), and in one of the chapters it talks about accepting life’s invitation. He says, “accepting the invitation to show up to life is about moving from the bleachers to the field. It’s moving from developing opinions to developing options. It’s about having things matter to us enough that we stop just thinking about those things and actually do something about them.” Yes it is all easier said than done. Leaving your comforts in exchange for the uncomfortable is hard. But it is worth it. Nothing that comes easy in this life is ever worth having. Sometimes we must sit through the storms trusting that there are blue skies just right around the corner. We must understand that this is what makes us stronger. Don’t do what is easy, do something that intimidates you. You will never be unsatisfied. If you run from what scares you and stick to what’s easy, there is no growth. Don’t let fear disable you.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t really matter.” –Bob Goff
I am not the same person that left in January.
The sighting of the tiniest spider would have sent me into cardiac arrest 11 months ago. There is no way I would have ever been okay flicking ants off my body and picking them out of my food while I proceed to eat it. There is no way I would have eaten a hunk of mystery meat and off of a bone for that matter. There is no way I would have ever thought it was socially acceptable to wear the same clothes day in and day out without washing them after one wear (mom, you would be proud). And the fact that I have come to accept my circumstances and choose joy through the discomfort of the challenges that come my way, speaks so much volume. Because of this I can confidently say that The Lord has turned my world upside down and given me new eyes to see, new ears to hear, and a heart ready to receive what He has in store this upcoming season of my life!
I’m not quite sure how or why laying on the ground starring at ants and gazing up at a spider was able to help me come to the conclusion that I have changed and that challenge is good. What I do know is that I am so excited to be laying in an actual bed in almost 2 weeks and to be free of the bugs! BUT don’t get me wrong, I would not trade those little moments for anything…spiders and all! It’s been real. It’s been challenging. It’s been one long ride. I ran the good race and I’m coming home!
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” -2 Timothy 4:7
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.” –Jeremiah 29:11
“On the other side of fear lies freedom.”
“And the day came when the risk to remain in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
“When you choose to confront the sea of fear and cast yourself in faith into the arms of a loving Father, you begin to discover the purpose and meaning of life.”
“It is easier to hold onto the familiar even if it does not satisfy, than to let go in order to grab hold of something else that will.”
I know this blog has been very long so if you have made it this far, thanks for tuning in. My hope for you is that you accept the challenges that this life brings with open arms. I pray that in exchange for anxiety you find peace in the uncertainties of this world. I pray that whatever is holding you from what you truly want, that those chains are broken and that you are free to find what ultimately brings you joy! I hope that you choose to try something you told yourself you could never do or run a marathon you didn’t think you had the strength for. I hope you face your biggest fears head on and trust that that the good Lord will bring you through whatever storms he places along your path!
What is holding you back from the things your heart desires?
What would your life be like if you had no fear?
much love & many blessings.
-Em
