For the last few weeks I’ve lived in a house with my entire squad. That’s 38 people; 30 women and 8 men. Naturally, some pretty interesting conversations come up. One afternoon as I walked through the lunch “buffet” line, I finally know what its like to be a Duggar in case you were wondering, a guy (jokingly) yelled across the table “woman, make me a sandwich.” While it was a bit offensive to another female squadmate I quickly responded with, “marry me and I’ll make you all the sandwiches you want.” We all laughed and carried on. For the record the guy is great but I don’t actually want to marry him.
While that statement could be phrased a little nicer, the truth is I don’t find that sentiment entirely offensive. I would love to be barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen. And I don’t think you should be able to endlessly enjoy my ingenious sandwich making capabilities unless you’re willing to meet me at the end of an aisle. The issue is I haven’t found a man willing to commit (read marry, there seem to be plenty who just want to date and when they are bored move onto someone else) and make that dream come true. I am aware that some feminists might be rolling their eyes at me. I am all for our rights and appreciative of the freedoms we get to enjoy but honestly I’d like to be in the home.
Two years ago I walked through an unexpected breakup. It was an ugly time in my life. I questioned the Lord a lot. I adopted the mantra “Imma do me.” Live life and discover fully who I was created to be. I just had to get out of the confining box of “the perfect Christian girl” I had put myself in and just be me. My sister called me Emily 2.0. I wanted to take risks. Pray bold things. Experience God in a life altering way. I was free, fun, and confident for the first time in my life… well after the jump.
One evening my sister found a Groupon for skydiving and asked if I would go with her. In my emotional stability I said yes. It was in fact on my bucket list (although when I wrote it I never thought I would actually do it). A month later I was wearing a hot pink zip up suit strapped to the front of an older gentleman named Walt wondering what the heck had I gotten myself into. As I was plummeting to the earth, right before I remembered to actually take a breath, I heard the Lord tell me I had to let it, my exceptional life plan, go. I had a choice to make; keep allowing life to pass me by OR jump into the unknown with full abandonment. After that adrenaline rush I decided to start tackling my bucket list, to get as much out of life as I could. We only get one go at it so why let fear hold me back? Go figure I’m an adrenaline junky, I would have never figured that out sitting on my couch with a box of Kleenex wallowing in what could have been.
During the free fall as the wind slapped my face I realized I had been waiting intermittently through the past 23 years. Waiting for my knight in shining armor to show up so I could begin my life. I used a lot of statements like “when I get married I will…”
Well, my life was slipping by and I still wasn’t married yet. Or close for that matter. So I decided to keep jumping, figuratively this time. I went on a short-term trip to Swaziland
(going to Africa was on top of my list), which opened my eyes and heart to things I didn’t know I wanted or needed and ironically led me to the World Race (the World Race had been for my sister, I had my dream job, excuses excuses excuses…).
I’m 25 now and I know that isn’t OLD. But having survived a Christian university where the ratio was 50/50 without a ring by any of those springs a girl starts to think the odds aren’t in her favor. If I couldn’t land one in the land of milk and honey I’m not sure where I would find him. Once a very lovely girl asked me how I made it through Liberty without finding a husband because if it was like her Christian university that would be a very hard thing to do. When I responded; “I was busy in nursing school where almost all my classmates were GIRLS,” she suggested that I had joined a few clubs. Duly noted, for if I ever get a do-over.
As if I didn’t feel bad enough for myself at times other, often older, people put their two cents in with well-intended statements like:
“I just don’t understand why you aren’t married yet.”
It’s a mystery that baffles us all.
“The next one (wedding) will be yours.”
I have caught many a bouquets and I don’t have a boyfriend
but thank you for the faith.
(that’s me going in for the kill – it’s not my finest moment, did I mention I am competitive?)
“I would love it if my son dated you. You’ll make a great wife and daughter-in-law.”
Thanks for the compliment but I have a feeling his girlfriend
wouldn’t like it if she knew you said this.
“I’m sorry.” Or “I’m worried about you.”
As though my singleness can’t be redeemed.Also I wasn’t worried
but now I think I should be.
As I’ve talked with my single counterparts they’ve heard similar things. I know people are well meaning with these comments but combined with the sad stares I’m really starting to think that my singleness is something to pity. They say it’s a gift so they sound “Biblical” but they treat it like an ugly sweater your grandmother gives you for Christmas, something you begrudgingly wear but would gladly return.
As if my mind doesn’t play enough tricks on me each comment only adds to the fire by making me feel like an outcast, forgotten, broken, and helpless. I question if I am missing something. I doubt that I am not good enough.
When I signed up for the Race in the back of my mind I assumed since I hadn’t met my man in college then I would definitely meet him on this mission trip, hello round two of the promise land. The Lord cleared that up real quick when He told me that I wasn’t going to find him on my Race, and that was before I had even left! Several people giddily told me “Enjoy your trip. I’m sure you’ll meet someone and when you come back we’ll have a wedding to plan.” I’d smile all the while thinking you might want to take that up with the big Man upstairs.
I’ve been on an all girls team for three months now. Husbands have come up A LOT. Marriage comes up frequently anyways on this trip (40 something singles how could it not?). I’m a firm believer in specific prayers so since the beginning I’ve complied a list of female squadmates and things to pray over their future men. I have stormed the gates and fasted. I feel like I know these men. They have been so covered in prayer its not funny. And yet I have no idea when they will come into our lives. Hopefully sooner than later.
(this is written on our prayer wall)
One squadmate said she feared she’d be more intimidating to a man now that she pursued the Lord fiercely and gave up her normal life for a radical year-long mission trip. I hadn’t even thought of this! After a brief moment of panic the truth flooded in and washed that fear away. If that intimidates a man then he isn’t right for us. The fact that we pursued the Lord should be attractive to a man pursing the Lord.
As I get ready to end this trip I face the same dilemmas I faced when I graduated college. Where do I move? What do I do? Who am I going to be? What adventures does my future hold?
I have discovered in these 11 months even more deeply than I already knew that I love children. I want to settle down and have a family. I want to be married. But the Lord has also given me other desires. Settling down doesn’t look like the American dream I once pictured.
I’m at the edge again. Tempted to wait.
Is my man ever going to show up? Where can I strategically place myself so I meet him? Maybe I should wait till I get married to start the ministry the Lord placed on my heart because I’ll be “better equipped” with a man by my side.
Or I can jump.
I figured the jumping was over once I “gave a year of my life up.” The truth is this is just the beginning of the jumps. Man or no man. Jesus is asking me if He is enough.
And He is.
Do I trust Him?
Yes.
He’s reassured me along the way I am enough despite what box I check under marital status.
That in my singleness He can still and will use me to do things. He didn’t say if you are married care for the orphans, love the widows, heal the sick, clothe the naked, fight injustices…. He said do it. Whoever you are, wherever you are.
He has big things in my near future. He has awakened desires I never knew I had. He has given me strength to dream big and do things the world might view as crazy.
I am thankful now I didn’t get married at 22.
I would have missed this.
I would have settled.
He would have worked in my life but He’s showing me there is more for me than I ever could have imagined or planned.
Wisely I was once told that I should put my running shoes on and run wholeheartedly after the Lord. And when I least expect it I will look beside me and find a man worthy of my love because he too is running after the same thing.
I don’t have to wait. I just have to keep my eyes on the Lord and move.
Be obedient.
Jump with full abandonment.
So as I prepare to jump yet again into the realm of the unknown (aka life after the Race) I’ve got my running shoes on. Oh, and I have a delicious sandwich in my hand just in case!
