I can hardly believe it was one year ago yesterday that I was driving through a cute little neighborhood with my friend Emily looking at houses for rent, dreaming of what our life would be like here in Georgia, when we got the phone call.
The phone call that shocked us all.
Our January had stage IV cancer.
This year has been hard and frustrating and beautiful. Standing by as you watch a friend go through something like this is harder than I ever imagined. It has been a road of small and big victories as well as huge disappointments.
I’d love to tell you that January is cancer free. But I can’t. And that is frustrating and disappointing.
One of my favorite stories was from early on in chemotherapy. January told us she was at the oncologist getting her results from a scan. The doctor explained that the cancer had not grown (a victory in his mind) but January got upset. When asked why she was upset she said “that’s not how miracles work!”
I can’t tell you all that January has been through or felt this year because I can’t even begin to understand. What I will tell you is this it has been a year of praying and fasting, anxiously awaiting scan results, and recognizing my dependence on the Lord from the sidelines.
About a week ago I was talking to the Lord while taking a drive. Amongst the long list of things I was asking Him I asked Him why He hadn’t healed January yet. I have prayed this situation up every way I know how and felt like I had run out of things to say. So I started to list the healings He has done in the past (as if He needed reminding) starting with Jarius’ daughter, the woman who bled for 12 years, the leper, and Lazarus to name a few. In that moment something profound hit me. In each of those situations Jesus was “too late.” Jarius’ daughter and Lazarus were dead, the bleeding woman had lived over a decade as an lonely outcast, and so had the leper. I found myself saying (read: attempting to talk through the water works) “Jesus you are not late. It feels that way right now because we don’t have the miracle we have been praying for. But you are not late. You never have been and you won’t start now. You are in control of everything and I will hold fast to you Lord.”
A wise woman on my Race said multiple times “just because you feel it doesn’t mean it’s true.” Feelings are valid but the truth behind them can be kind of warped.
See, Jesus has been in this journey the WHOLE time. The crazy thing about Him is that while He is in process; the struggles, doubts, fears, and disappointments, He can also see beyond those moments. On the days we have anxiously awaited clean scan results and then cried when the cancer hasn’t disappeared, I believe He has cried with us just as He cried with Lazarus’ sisters. The way I see it is He isn’t crying because death and sickness have prevailed because He knows it hasn’t. He knows the healing is coming. I think He loves and cares for us so much that it hurts Him to see us hurting.
The chemotherapy is keeping January’s cancer from growing but it isn’t meant to cure it. Only God can do that. And I still believe He can and pray that He will. With a whole year having gone by it feels like He is late. The miracle hasn’t happened and the prognosis can be overwhelming.
But friends He is not late.
He isn’t late with finances, or that job, or bringing spouses into our lives, or having that baby or bringing your child home, or healing our friends and family. He just isn’t.
The promise I am standing on tonight is that He is never late. He wasn’t late back then and He isn’t late today. Will you pray with me for complete and total healing for our beautiful and strong January?
Here’s a quick update on January…
Since last March she has bravely endured many many many chemo treatments. One potent round tried to kill her and put her in a coma. There have been days of pure exhaustion and the ugly side effects of pumping her body full of toxic drugs. But with determination and a clean diet (bless her, among other things, she has given up sugar to starve the cancer) she has gotten stronger and been able to put on weight. She was able to talk the doctors into taking out her feeding tube and she got a hair cut that makes her look so BA. Many of our squad mates have been able to live out “love does” by surprising January in New York.
In July she convinced her doctors to let her fly to Texas to celebrate our squad couple’s wedding. She got to dance the night away with us and we all were finally able to lay our hands on her and pray over her as a group!
In October January was able to spend some time with us in Georgia. She discovered things like fried pies and gator on a stick and her love of Just Dance. There was lots of laughing, crying, praying, and dreaming.
January is currently doing chemo every other month and has returned to school, hoping to finish her degree by May! She has working alongside our squad mate Porky at her non profit Hear The Hungry in New York letting homeless know their worth and value by providing tangible things like food and friendship.
January is a fierce fighter and has maintained her humor along the way. I am very thankful that the cancer has not spread! But we are still waiting for our miracle!
The verse that is tacked up on our prayer wall for January is Acts 3:17…
“And on the basis of faith in His name, it is the name of Jesus which has strengthened [January] whom you see and know; and the faith which comes through Him has given [January] this perfect health in the presence of [her doctors, family, and P squad].”
Thank you prayer warriors and letter senders for supporting January. It means far more than words can ever express!
