Three years ago in May on the top of a mountain in Nepal Jesus spoke to me about as clear as He ever has. “You’re going to be a mother before you’re a wife.” I wrote it in my journal at the time because that’s what people do when Jesus speaks but I thought okay. Surely, He wasn’t serious or I heard Him wrong because as the old adage says “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.” That’s the way its SUPPOSED to go.
Being a mama has always been part of my plan so the motherhood part made sense but the whole mama without being married just didn’t. As I went back and forth with Him He finally cleared it up by saying; “Motherhood is not going to look like what you planned. Not at first anyways.” For a planner like me I wasn’t thrilled to say the least but it was Jesus telling me this so I thought I should at least pray about it.
Fostering first came on my radar when I was working in Labor and Delivery (we hand a lot of babies over to a broken system), but you know, that was for someday. Someday when I was married, settled, with a house and kids of my own. Nevertheless, I started doing some research because I knew what He was asking. The only people I knew who fostered were families. I didn’t even know if single people could foster. Turns out you can be a single foster parent in most states as long as you are 25. Interestingly enough, I had turned 25 that January.
A year after the mountain top experience I nervously called the Division of Family and Children Services and submitted my name for fostering classes. I also applied to two outside agencies. I covered all my bases, now I was going to let Jesus “do His thing.” Whatever that “thing” was I wasn’t entirely sure.
DFCS never sent me the information even though they said they would. One of the agencies never responded to my application. The last agency got me through the application process and the day before training called to clarify about my roommate. Apparently that word was a little confusing to them. They wanted to know if that meant someone lived with me. She does. They don’t allow that. So I was out.
Part of me was sad because I had been psyching myself up for this and the idea of a baby was a little exciting. But there was another much larger part of me that was super relieved. I was being “brave” and doing this crazy thing for Him, so naturally it should be easy and things should fall into place. Since they didn’t I must have heard Him wrong. That, or I figured this was an Abraham-Isaac situation and He was just testing me to see if I would do what He asked, He wasn’t actually going to make me go through with it. Go me, I passed! Or so I thought.
Here I am a year and a half later sitting in our “baby room” awaiting the final approval from the state.
Turns out, Jesus wasn’t testing me and I had in fact heard Him just fine. I had got caught up in the lie that when you do something for Him it will always be easy and things will just fall into place. Sometimes they do and that’s great. For me, that would not be the case (not this time) and I felt like He wanted to see what I was made of.
One night after the “fostering failure” I was laid out on my floor praying about what my purpose was since that apparently wasn’t it. And He whispered “to care for the orphans right where you are.” In case you hadn’t noticed Jesus I tried and it just ain’t working out.
I’m thankful He’s so patient with me. He lovingly spelled it out for me. “Emily sometimes you have to kick the door down.” I’m learning no or silence doesn’t always mean no with Jesus.
I re-submitted my application to the faith-based organization I never heard back from the next morning and 24 hours later got a response.
A long eight months of classes, fingerprints, paperwork and more paperwork, baby proofing literally everything (my friends can no longer get into my pantry so if a baby figures out that door knob they deserve whatever treat they find!), homestudies, feeling like things were moving fast only to have them halt for months, and lots of “can I even do this?” later here I sit awaiting the final stamp of approval. Thinking about the lack of my beloved sleep, the I-can’t-just-do-what-I-want-to-do anymores, extra expenses including rent I’ve been paying for a room that is currently unoccupied, and the overwhelming I’m going to fall in love with kiddos that I have to give back makes me have heart palpitations and want to vomit at times. Honestly, this thing is way bigger than me. That’s how I know it’s a Jesus thing. And I keep reminding Him that this is His thing so He is going to need to show up A LOT. I’m going to need Him more than I’ve ever needed Him. Which is beautiful and oh so scary all at the same time.
The last five years have been filled with hard things. Realizing my life is ultimately not mine and may not work out how I best seem fit, quitting my pays-really-well dream job, traveling around the world with just a backpack, and moving 1,000 miles from home are just a few. I can look back now and see how each hard thing was preparing me for the next. Which has landed me here. Facing something that is very hard. I never would have imagined that I would be a mama and not a wife or heck, that I would build a crib by myself (in this scenario I always saw myself with the swollen belly reading off directions while laughing as baby daddy put it together…crib building is no joke my friends!). Or to be completely honest I never imagined the first baby I brought home wouldn’t be mine; it’d be a baby I would have the privilege of loving and nurturing and then give back.
Selfishly I calculate how much more I could be paying off on my student loans if I didn’t have these extra expenses, or how much freedom I could live in my remaining single days. I say days because I pray it’s days (haha) but then I wonder how does one date with a little one and will anyone want to date a girl with a child that isn’t hers but is hers and that spirals through a lot of lies right to despair so I try not to go there. All these things makes me think I just can’t do this.
I have wanted to run like a million times. Someday I’ll be ready for this. The sacrifice is just too much at this point. And then I think of my Jesus. He gave His life for me. These small sacrifices pale in comparison. And lets face it we’re never truly ready for the “big things” in life. We can always come up with an excuse. This is where faith and a lot of trust come into play.
He asked me to do this. I certainly don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how ends are going to meet or how I am going to do this incredibly messy thing that is fostercare. But at the end of the day I know when I stand before Jesus I want to confidently say I did what You asked. My obedience will cost me. But I will do it for Him.
And for them. Foster kids face hard things everyday and not by their own choice. This life was thrust upon them. They deserve to have adults who will love and stand in the gap for them.
This is not my first hard thing and I am positive it will not be my last. I’m don’t know what your hard thing is but I am sure that He is faithful to finish what He starts in each of us. Yes, that is so much easier to say than to live especially when you’re not sure how you’re going to make it. It most definitely requires our obedience, but it might also cost us time, money, emotions, our health, etc. For each person it’s different, that’s why it’s not fair to compare. I have friends whose journeys with the Lord looks like moving to India without a finite plan or a ticket home, battling cancer, investing in a community by buying a fixer-upper home in hopes of filling the home with kids who need a temporary one, moving across the country by herself to go to school, and working a job that he doesn’t love but can influence the lives within those dark walls. The beautiful thing about this is we do not do it alone. Jesus gives us Himself and He gives us each other. Sure, I have received some negativity and questioning (with the right intentions but was hurtful) however, I have also received so much more encouragement and love. When I needed a crib but couldn’t afford it a friend purchased it without thinking twice. A coworker friend is always stuffing my locker full of formula coupons so I’ll never have to pay full price. I’ve had more people volunteer to be babysitters than I could have ever dreamed of. And I have an amazing roommate whose heart is in fostering and will take care of the littles when I am at work at night.
If you had asked me five years ago where I’d be today I would have NEVER said in this place. Where will I be in five years? Jesus only knows. Seriously. I hope wherever it is that I can look back and say I went where You asked and I did what You said because you are worth it Jesus.
Many people have asked what they can do to help so here it is: pray like you’ve never prayed before. Pray for Alison and I as we take care of these little humans. Pray for the little humans and their families – that we can be the Light to them and that the system will have discernment about each situation. And in lieu of a registry we are asking that if people want to buy something that you give a gift card (amazon, target, babies r us, etc) because depending on each case we won’t know what we need until we need it right then and there. We still have a few “bigger” items we’d like to get like a video monitoring system and highchair but we can combine gift cards to get those!
Thank you all for your support.
