okay so you know how i want to be free more than anything, well guess what…i am finally at 100%!!! yay!! heaps of things have happened since i have written my last blog. okay so like on thursday night we did worship and communion as a community, which was really nice for me except when we got to communion. as you may or may not know, for about 13 years i have been struggling with almost what i would call a demon inside of me. and recently i have been telling you how much i want that dang demon gone and i want to be dang free. okay so the voice i have always heard, always told me opposite of what was true. okay example would be like: hey emily you are so loved – what i would hear: hey emily you will never be loved. right. how annoying is that, yeah just imagine how i feel about that. and it would be about anything and everything anyone would tell me. so anyways that night, i was having a really hard time with myself. i really wanted to take communion but that voice kept telling me i was so unworthy of taking it and that i would never be worthy of it. and i would argue with that voice telling myself that was not true. but the voice would continue and only get stronger, as it always did, and i would eventually let that voice win. well thursday night i had enough of that. i just started crying and looking for my teammates to help me, which of course brook and margie stepped up and took great care of me! just love them
so we went outside and all i could do was cry. they started praying for me and i just kept crying harder and harder. then i started screaming, it was kind of funny and serious all rolled into one. i started yelling to get this demon out of me. i was determined not to lose this battle anymore. so we were outside about 20 minutes or so just praying, crying and screaming. what a sight to see. seriously wish you could have been there. so i was feeling a little better but not 100% and i took communion and decided to go read the bible in a corner. well let me tell you what happened next. jessi and jessica came by and asked me if i was okay. and as usual i was like, yeah im fine, even though i was not. they kept asking me and i finally broke and told them what had been going on. and they did the most amazing thing, they just started praying for me. and it just wasnt like a simple god make emily better prayer, it was like a hardcore emily is getting better tonight prayer. as i was getting prayed for, something inside of my head snapped, snapped in a good way not a bad way. the bad voice disappeared. all i could hear now was that i was worthy, that i was loved, that i was beautiful and that i was a new creation. and in the middle of praying i started laughing. not just a chuckle but a full blown i cant stop laughing. all i know is that was the holy spirit filling me up with his love. a few more people joined in and prayed for me as well and i remember someone saying i am now cloaked with the robe of righteousness. that line has stuck with me since it was spoken over me.
from that moment on i have had so so so many less negative thoughts about myself. it really has changed me and the fact that i really do want to change as well also helps. i do still have negative thoughts but as soon as i hear them i am trying not to believe them but instead replace them with positive thoughts. its been okay but its still a struggle for me, but hopefully not for much longer. anyways, i know that in my previous blog i talked about getting baptized. well when my team was on a family trip to a waterfall, i felt god tell me when i was to get baptized. i am going to get baptized on my birthday, which will be the 26th of february. i will also turn 26 on that day, which i think is kind of cool. i like numbers so heres another take on that. i was semi-baptized 13 years ago and i have been struggling with this voice for 13 years. 13 is half of 26. weird right?! i like it though. also, i really hope that john gets to baptize me, because most of you know that i am having trouble with the name john. it would be huge to have my baptism associated with the name john, instead of what i associate it with now. so i really hope all that works out just fine.
so lastly, i am asking you to continue to pray for me and my freedom, for john to baptize me, my continued support of this trip and of course team malachi
