I’m realizing that I’ve never allowed myself to really process all that has happened in the last few months. Lately, I’ll get brief moments of flashing back to the former me. It is in these moments that I can see how much I’ve actually changed. It has been seeming to me that my teammates’ changes are more obvious which caused me to feel more or less stagnant in my growth. I remember thinking just about a week ago, “I want to grow and I want to change, but I just don’t know what I need to work on…” Prideful? Maybe, but regardless, my prayers were answered as God started to reveal things to me that I need to change.
In the process of opening my eyes to my weaknesses, I have also been reflecting a lot on the last few months. It has been helpful to see how much I have changed and how I am growing. This realization has also motivated me to make journaling a top priority.
I am trying to remember the former me, the August 2009 me, in Ireland. I look at photos taken in the airplane and barely recognize the girl looking back at me with a her cheesy toothy smile. The first line of my first journal entry reads, “So here I am Ireland and I am having a hard time really feeling any emotion at this point. I feel kind of left out, like at training camp, and I feel like everyone else is forming these bonds and connections except me.”
So insecure and so unsure of myself. At twenty four years old, I am reverting back to middle school where I am in desperate need of attention, love and acceptance. These insecure thoughts fill several pages.
I hardly recognize the girl who wrote these confessions less than three months ago. It makes me wonder with excitement what is yet to come. It would be untrue to say that I don’t struggle with insecurity today, but I can see how I am growing in this area already. I don’t think I realized then how these thoughts were holding me back. They laid the foundation for serious doubt and emotional breakdowns.
I remember one night during worship when I broke down and cried hysterically. I write, “Last night we had a worship service at a nearby hotel. Somewhere in the middle of the 2nd or 3rd song, I broke down. I don’t even really know why. Lacey came over and started praying for me and I lost it. It was like the more people prayed for me, the more hysterical I got. I wrote that night, “I just feel so tormented. I feel like I never get a break from constant doubting.” Caroline came over, put her hands on my face and insisted I look at her. I remember looking up and her, my face covered in tears, hair matted to my face with snot. She told me I was a beautiful daughter of the King. She told me that the battle for me is already won and that God wants to fight for me. She told me that God loves me so much. She went on speaking truth and comforting me.
Looking back, I am able to see how important it is to know my identity in Christ. This is a daily learning process that I haven’t by any means mastered. It’s encouraging to see that I am making progress. I eager for the changes ahead of me and I look forward to reading this in three months. I hope to see even more growth in me to the point I barely recognize the November 2009 me.
