I’ve rewritten this blog so many times now.
Why? because I don’t know what to say. I have no words. Frankly my emotions seem to change faster than a 90’s mood ring from a drug store.
One moment I’m happy and then the next I’m sad. One moment I’m wanting to soak up all the time I have left with my friends and family and then the next all I want to do is be my introverted self and bask in all the alone time I can get before I leave.
I’m at the end of a season of life that I have known my entire life, a life of comfort and familiarity. I’m about to jump into something that is brand new, uncomfortable and uncharted.
These days before launch feel like the long walk up to the top of a cliff where I have the opportunity to choose to be all in and jump or to wait and watch others experience it while I watch from the edge. The truth is I made my decision to choose in to this adventure a year ago when I applied to the race, and a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to say yes and to choose in to each person that I will be spending my 11 months with. So if i’ve already chosen in, then why do I feel like I’m having to make that decision again? I’m scared and nervous. I’m full of feelings that are so foreign to me.
As I sat in bed last night, I was reminded of the scenario someone on my training team walked me through at camp.
She asked me if I was about to jump off of a cliff would I trust the rope to catch me?
I was a little taken back at this point because if I was really the one standing at the edge of the cliff, in that moment I would be thinking about the worst things that could happen to me. So in my head I had no idea whether I was supposed to trust the rope. She quickly reassured me to trust that rope because the rope has been tested and is scientifically proven to be able to catch people after they take the plunge.
I began to think…well maybe it’s just me who doesn’t trust that rope.
But just as all these thoughts entered my head she reminded that when anyone is put on that edge and getting ready to jump, they will become terrified. These emotions are normal. We are all human. It’s okay to have fears and doubts and that doesn’t mean you don’t have trust.
That day she told me that the race works in the same way and several weeks later it’s really sinking in.
I am currently standing at the edge of a cliff getting ready to jump into the unknown. Im trusting in the things that I cannot see and the plan that the Lord has for me, but that is scary. I have to remind myself that being scared and slightly terrified of what is to come doesn’t mean I don’t trust the Lord. I have to remind myself that its okay to have emotions. Today I just have to give my fears up to Jesus and learn to give myself a whole lot of grace.
Yes, this time between seasons is scary, but I’m choosing in and taking the leap.
Leaving my comforts isn’t going to be easy, but man am I ready for a crazy adventure following the Lord wherever he may lead me.
9 Days. That’s all I have left until I take the plunge of a life time with my new family.
Until next time,
-EM
