“You are special because I made you, and I don’t make mistakes”-Max Lucado “You are Special
It began to rain, as the wind whistled through the trees. We sat silently together on the front porch of the lodge just listening. I was uncomfortable. I don’t like silence. If you have ever spent more than 5 minutes with me, you know this. I tend to monopolize conversation and make people laugh! But not today. Not sitting on this porch, with these women. We had all drawn pictures and we were deep in thought looking directly at our pain. Yes, we were asked to draw pictures of our pain. I honestly didn’t think much of my picture. It didn’t make much sense to me, and what I did understand I thought sounded trivial. Just me complaining really. As I began to explain my picture of confusion, I realized suddenly it was a picture of insecurities. It was a picture of my failures. It was a picture of how I view myself: I am always late, I am not smart enough, I am not spiritual enough, I am not a rule follower, I am tainted, I am not enough. Through my picture, on this porch in Gainesville, GA, surrounded by unfamiliar women, I was vulnerable. I was ripped open and my fears displayed for them to see. That I am not good enough. Satan was careful, and creative as he whispered to me for 3 years. He wove me a glorious dress of insecurity to match the beautiful silver chains of shame. I walked in this daily. Cowering from my Jesus, hiding from him. He couldn’t see me anymore, I wasn’t good enough.
But here on this porch, as the rain fell in sheets, surrounded by women I didn’t know, God reminded me that I am enough. That there is no where I can run that He will not follow. That if I make my bed in the depths He is right there. That I am more than enough, and His love for me is infinite!
I would love to say I learned this first of many lessons at training camp instantly. That suddenly I was aware of my worth to the Lord and to my friends and family around me and I no longer walk in insecurity or shame. Like Punchinello in ‘You are Special” I have a lot of marks. I have dressed myself in many lies for a long time. Intimacy is a process that takes time. I am not there yet, but the beautiful process has begun. Jesus reminds me everyday of how much I am loved by him, and THAT is my IDENTITY. If nothing else, I am loved by Him. I show up and Jesus rejoices over me with singing =)
“The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing.” Zeph 3:17
