Walking Street. This is the Red Light District of Pattaya, Thailand.
Through the Lord putting it on the hearts of a number of X-squad racers and leadership, our month seven debrief was held in Pattaya, Thailand specifically for the purpose of reaching out to this community. Walking Street is what makes Pattaya famous, really the only “tourist attraction” this city has to offer. You might think of it as a Las Vegas, Nevada, of sorts, but on an even more depraved level. This debrief was covered in a huge amount of prayer for weeks, even months before it took place.
One night, after worshipping together, most of X-squad ventured out to Walking Street, obeying the promptings of the Spirit to minister to the people there; a few stayed behind to fight the battle through prayer.
Nothing could have prepared us for what we experienced on Walking Street. There was a tangible heaviness and darkness to the air. Fighting the bile rising up in my throat, I walked down the street in a daze, my senses and emotions completely overwhelmed by the evil so blatantly displayed all around me. “Menus” displaying graphic pictures and descriptions of the sexual services being offered constantly shoved in my face. Girls- many in their early teens- dancing to the ear splitting music and wearing next to nothing, beckoning to the people passing by- doing almost anything to bring in business. A child sitting on the curb, waiting for her mother to finish up with a customer. Women literally being put on display in glass boxes. Families with children, “touring” the street. Men with longing and emptiness so tangible you could see it in their eyes.
You could get anything you wanted here, for a price. But at what cost?
As I walked, I prayed. I prayed for the Spirit to lead me to someone and to give me words to speak to them. After a few minutes of not hearing anything back, I just kept on praying. I prayed for the men. For the women. For the children. They were all victims. All hurting. All lost. I prayed over the street, so painfully drenched in darkness. I prayed for my squad.
Father, I prayed, You know what is in the darkness and the light dwells with You (Daniel 2:22). May we be the Light shining in the darkness that the darkness cannot overcome (John 1:5).
But where was God? Could He hear me? Didn’t He know what was going on here? Didn’t He care? How could He let things get this bad? Where was the justice? Where was the redemption? I kept praying for His leading, but all I heard from Him was silence.
The Enemy was in full assault. Suddenly, I felt myself drowning in sadness and despair. As I watched my squad mates being led by the Spirit and walking in boldness in their interactions with people, I became discouraged that I didn’t seem to be hearing from Him in the same way. But what could I do in one night that would actually make a difference anyway? What words could I possibly say to spark any change?
I was paralyzed.
Two of the other girls and I decided to go into one of the clubs to try to talk to someone there- anyone who would listen. We sat at a table and ordered sodas, looking around for anyone the Lord might lead us to talk to. Two girls where sitting at the pool table and one of the girls with me went over to ask if they wanted to play a game. They didn’t speak much English and the conversation didn’t go very far. She came back over and we sat there, in defeat, for several minutes. The music was so loud you could hardly think, let alone have a conversation with someone who spoke limited English.
We walked out of the club feeling defeated. Had we made any difference at all? Had we even planted a seed? I hadn’t even talked to anyone. I could barely manage a smile.
The next day, we debriefed Walking Street. Many had struggled with feeling defeated and inadequate but somehow, that didn’t seem to make me feel any better. Everyone talked about the righteous anger and horror they felt. The ways their hearts were breaking for the people there, especially the women.
I started feeling shame, not only because of my lack of action, but also due to my lack of emotion. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t even know what to feel. How was I supposed to feel after an experience like that? The only feelings I was registering were sick and dazed, as if I had been simultaneously punched in the stomach and the face.
Then I heard that still, small Voice.
Emily, child. You are exactly where I want you and doing exactly what I have called you to do. My definition of “action” is not always the same as yours. Here, now, in Pattaya, you have acted. You are acting. There may be times I seem silent. There may be times it seems as if I’m failing to lead you. But never forget, I am there in the silence. I am there in the moments of uncertainty. I guided you to Walking Street; for not just one night but two. And for not one night but two, you answered my call. You went. You walked. You saw. You were shown a glimpse of what breaks My heart. I wanted to share that with you. I wanted you to see Walking Street. Stop comparing your experience to your squad mates’ experiences. Their story is not your story. Stop thinking they need to look the same. Your story truly is unique and yours for a very specific reason. I’m just getting started with the good work I am doing in you. So be still, and know that I am God. I am creating the space for Me to work in you. To work through you. I am teaching you to trust Me. Will you trust Me?
Sometimes God calls us to go. Sometimes He calls us to speak. Sometimes He calls us to do. But sometimes He just calls us to be. More and more I’m seeing how important this lesson is for me. “Action” for Him is far beyond my limited understanding of the word. It goes so much farther, deeper and wider than what I can see in the here and now.
So in those moments, when I don’t hear Him speaking. When I don’t feel Him moving. When I don’t feel him leading. I’m choosing to trust that He is there in the silence. He is guiding me even in my uncertain moments. And even when I feel like I’ve failed or haven’t done something big and courageous for Him, I’m going to celebrate the small victories. The small steps of obedience. Because something small is greater than nothing at all. And He is in even the smallest of actions.
Is there something you need to trust Him with today?
Update:
In Malaysia, my team taught at a preschool and also home schooled our hosts’ children. It was HOT and we were in a fairly small town. Because ministry only lasted a few hours each day, we had quite a bit of free time. Our host encouraged us to use that extra time to press into our relationship with God and our teammates. Along with that, he intended on being intentional about pouring into us- teaching us about Spiritual warfare, Spiritual gifts and callings, and more specifically, the callings on each of our lives. God met us in that space. The Spirit is so alive and active in Malaysia. The month may not look extraordinary at first glance, but with a closer look, you can see how the Spirit moved and showed Himself to us more than perhaps in any other month thus far. And this wasn’t just true of my team. At debrief last week, the whole squad shared powerful stories about how He had shown up and moved in exhilarating ways.
About a week ago, my squad met up in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia to travel to Pattaya, Thailand for a few days of debrief. During that time we underwent team changes again. Once more I have five new girls I’ll be diving in and doing life with for the next four months. My new team and I, along with one other X-squad team, arrived in Mae Sot, Thailand, the morning of the fifth.
This month, we will be doing ministry alongside the other team with an organization called Outpour Movement. Though we haven’t been debriefed on specifics yet, Outpour is involved with ministering to local tribes at the Thailand-Burma border, evangelism, sports ministry, church planting, children’s homes, street kid ministry, Muslim community outreach, Burma outreach, and even a restaurant and bike shop – which offer employment for Burmese and Thai youths. They have a big vision that we get to be a part of and we are all excited to get started on Saturday!
