have control,
~Francis Chan, Crazy Love~
So I know I’m not much of one for just bloging about my
deepest darkest feelings, but with only one day left in Malaysia, I’m sitting
here reflecting on what this month has become. Almost every night has been a
sleepless night filled with intense conversations with God. He is breaking me
and I’m going to share part of it with you… This blog is kind of long, I
apologize, so if you don’t think you are going to read all the way through, I
suggest stopping now! It’s kinda slimy…
Over the past month God has really been working in me and forcing me to rely on
him. This month has been the hardest yet… I
can’t seem to put my finger on “how I feel about Malaysia.” There has been
challenge after challenge and I have been left feeling drained, confused, and
tired…but in that there has been some serious soul searching and discoveries. It’s just now
that this trip has begun to feel less like “a trip” and more like my
life…
There is one day specifically that I reached a low point…it was one of those
days that I can look back on and smirk thinking how dramatic I was. It was the
beginning of the month and I had just arrived in hot Malaysia with a new team
of all girls (who had all requested to never be on an all girls team). Most of
the girls I had barely had a conversation with. The country in general was spiritually
depressing and heavy. Coming from the Philippines, the deadness was a real
culture shock for all of us.
I’ll give you a peek into my (slightly edited) journal entry from that day
(some names and details have been changed to protect the innocent):
“Today has been the worse day…I am
beginning to question what the heck I’m doing here. When I was at home I felt
like I wasn’t doing enough for the kingdom but now that I’m here I feel like I
was doing more back home. I know God called me here for some reason, I’m just
really ready to start figuring out what that is. It’s so stinking hot in my
room! Where do I even start… I feel so homesick. The people that make me feel
better are on the other side of the world getting on with their lives and I’m
stuck here alone. Our ministry is forcing me to face my fear of public
speaking. We have to preach, everyday, and I never felt like that was my gift.
I know God can use me but for the time being I’m still silently praying in my
head that He doesn’t call me to be the speaker that day… Ministry is so
strange this month. 14-mile prayer walks in 100-degree heat? Honestly?! …and
the language barrier is beyond frustrating…it’s so hard to connect. Earlier I
dropped my bag in poop and that should have been my first sign that it was
going to be a bad day, then as if I wasn’t in a bad enough mood, pictures
popped up on my facebook newsfeed that really upset me. I have the worst
headache and I’m so uncomfortable. I just want to be able to relax somewhere
but there is nowhere to go. All I want to do right now is escape and cry to
mom! I barely know these girls and I don’t feel like talking to them. I know
I’m distancing myself and I hate that but I just want to be alone, which is
definitely not on the schedule this year. It really makes no sense because I
feel so alone yet I’m dying to be alone. I dunno…Earlier I went to lay down on
the floor in my room and I could barely even do that. Two other people are a
foot from my face, it’s about 95+ degrees in here, and bugs are crawling all
over me and I really hate that look people give you when they know there is
something wrong and your not telling them. I would love to watch a movie right
now but my stupid computer charger blew up the first HOUR I was in Malaysia.
Seriously, what is going on right now? Where is happy, goofy, bubbly Emily? Why
can’t I “choose joy” today? To make matters a little worse we went to the
hospital tonight to pray for Margaret’s son. It took everything I had to make
myself go through the motions, but I did. Apparently I forgot I have a weak
stomach because they wheeled this guy in that had been in a motorcycle accident
with blood on him and it sent me running to the squatty potty to puke…
Yeah… So finally the day from hell is almost over, unless something else bad
can happen from the time I put my pen down to when I lay my head down… God,
where are you? Can you please give me a little peace here for a minute? Can you
remind me that everything’s ok? It’s funny how the same feelings, emotions,
struggles can follow you to the other side of the world. There is no such thing
as running away or escaping anything. I know I’ll be ok and tomorrow will be
better. I just need to feel you right now.”
Ok so don’t think I’ve stepped into the dark side or anything… Everyone has a
bad day every once in awhile right?! After days and days of praying and playing
tug-a-war with God, I was listening to a song by one of my favorite artist and
for some reason I felt like God was singing the words to me himself …
Lighthouse
-ernie halter
lighthouse
For you…for you I stand
Lay your anchor down and let me wrap my arms around you
Sometimes God has to take
away all of our escape outlets to make us realize He is the ultimate outlet.
When I felt like I had no place to go it was right in front of my face that He
was waiting for me to run into his arms. I use to pray that God would give me a
man that would fight for me. I kept repeating that song and one night when I
was lying down it felt as obvious to me as the heat… I’ve already got a man
fighting for me. He fights for me every day without relenting. No matter how I
treat Him or ignore His promises, He is still there. He will never leave me or
let me down. I think that’s what He was trying to teach me. More release and
letting go. There are things in my life I’ve tried so hard to control, without
much success… I know He is giving me another chance here to put it into His
hands and trust that He knows what’s best for my life, so that’s what I’m
trying to do. There is no shame in having to remind myself a billion times a
day… In my brokenness I found myself feeling so far from Him and then
closer to him than ever before. He uses struggles in our lives to remind us
who’s in charge. If he had to bring me to the other side of the world to show
me that…so be it. So like my earthly daddy wraps me in his arms and holds me,
so does He. I never doubt my dad’s love and that he has my best interest at
heart. My Heavenly Father wants me to know the same is true for Him, times one
million…
Whew…so there is my heart… On a rusty platter.This being “raw”
thing is new for me but I want y’all to know my heart and what the Lord is
teaching me.
empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.
trust in Him.
roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong”
