I'm a mess.
The only thing, I can seem to cling to is this ::
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold — though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."
1 Peter 1:6-7
But… I just can't help, but be absolutely sick of trials.
I want to know that God is purifying me and causing me to grow and learn. But it hurts.
My year has been trial after trial after trial after trial. It seems to never end.
Just when I think it is about to be over, another one nearly knocks me over.
It hurts.
God is stripping me. He is stripping me of everything I have been clinging too. I feel as if I have nothing left. Nothing that this world says is important, that is.
I feel like I've lost nearly everything. And, just when I think I couldn't lose one more thing… I do. I lose something else.
God is stripping me of everything that I have been putting before Him. Anything that my identity has been wrapped in.
The last month, I have lived in multiple homes. I am learning to live out of my car while slowly getting rid of things along the way. I have let go of my cat for the year (an incredible comfort in my life).
And, today — I received a huge blow on my car. As I am trying to sell it, I am realizing that I am not going to get what is needed to cover the loan.
I think God is wanting me to press into Him. He wants me to be uncomfortable. But being uncomfortable can shake ones world. Being uncomfortable isn't defined by sleeping on a floor for the night. It is defined by having one's identity being completely shaken to the core.
It is the realzation that one is completely inadequate on his or her own.
And that is what God is doing in my life, and has been doing in my life for really… the past year.
I am inadequate and broken.
And God HAS to come through, or I am toast.
And… I know He will come through. Even if it is hard to see right now.
I leave in 11 days. Please pray that God would encounter me and provide. And most importantly, that He would continue to make me more like Himself.
To Him be the glory.
Amen.
