This isn’t where I belong.
I don’t belong in Bozeman as a nanny or a student. I don’t belong in the mega church. I don’t belong sleeping in a fancy bed with my own bathroom. It’s not where I belong and it isn’t where I want to belong.
Of course, I’m thankful for these things right now. I am thankful that Jesus is providing through these things.
But this isn’t what I was made for.
America isn’t the Promised Land – in fact it feels the farthest from that to me right now.
After traveling the world, I feel out of place. Things don’t feel right.
I want to be back in The Philippines holding sick babies. I want to be bathing the kids of 42 Village outside of Kampong Cham, Cambodia. I want to be cooking over a fire with Jane in Kenya and teaching the “Hippopotamus Song” to sixty Swazi kids.
I want. I want. I want.
That’s not what it should be about. It shouldn’t be about what I want. But those were things where I found meaning, where I connected deeply with Jesus. After a year of that, it is sure hard to find meaning in writing a six-page paper in a coffee shop in Bozeman. But it where the Lord has me. And I so deeply desire to see Him in this season. A season that couldn’t be more opposite than the last. And though it may be a hard season, it can still be a good one.
I’ve been reminded that God is constant. All over the world. He’s constant. Whether in The Philippines. In Cambodia. Swaziland or America… He’s constant and never does He leave me nor forsake me.
I can turn my back on Him all I want. Yet, He doesn’t leave.
I can forget of the miracles He did this year. Yet He reminds me.
I can lose sight of eternity. Yet He still calls me His.
I’ve been wishing this season away. It is nothing that I want but maybe everything that I need. It’s time that I really believe that no matter what, Jesus loves me. I don’t have to be in The Philippines holding sick babies or Swaziland singing with children for Him to love me. He still loves me even when I feel as if I am doing nothing for His Kingdom. (Though I still AM!).
He still has a purpose. This season is not for forever. And I cling to Him knowing that this season is only the preparation for the next.
I deeply desire to fulfill His will for my life. And though, I feel like I do not belong in the USA – I’m reminded that I don’t even belong in this world. That this world isn’t my home and I’m just a sojourner traveling through desiring to be the hands and feet of Jesus wherever He brings me.
