Dead and Gone

"We cannot see in us, what God sees. God wants to do reconstruciton in our lives because He sees something better." This quote, from Chris Townley of Journey Church (my home church in Bozeman, MT), said this in his sermon the day before I left for The World Race. And as I listened to this sermon yesterday on my roof in Malaysia, 5 1/2 months into this journey, I shook my head at the perplexity of my God who sees all of creation, yet knows me by name. He knows me better than I know myself. Chris goes on to to say, "we think if we take our life into our own hands, we'll succeed, but Jesus says that only by surrender and denial we will find life" (Luke 9:24,25).

Whew.

It's only by surrender and denial that I will find life. Luke 18:29-30 says, "Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left his house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times as much at this time and in the age to come, eternal life." 

If we are to follow Jesus, our paradigms must shift.

Because following Jesus means looking different than the world. 

One of our leaders here on the Race likes to say, "it takes three years". What takes 3 years? Intense discipleship, should be at least a three-year process. It's the three-year process, that Jesus Himself, took His disciples on before sending them out to the world in the power of the Holy Spirit. I've heard our leader say this quite a few times, but this last time he said it at debrief caused me to stop what I was doing. Jesus wanted to get my attention.

I went back to my room and Jesus asked me, "Emily, would you give me the next 3 years?" 

Surely, that's not the voice of God! I've already given Him my life, afterall. I do believe, discipleship is a life-long process. And we will never arrive until the day we meet Jesus in Heaven, but what if Jesus was asking me to give up my wants, my desires, my will, my life — for His glory? 

Am I even willing? 

I'd been pondering this question for over three weeks, when this past Friday — I was sitting in the bus, heading to see some of my squad mates in the city for a time of worship and prayer — and I heard His voice again. "Emily, you need to surrender Bozeman to Me."

Ugh. 

You may not know much about my time in Bozeman – but a lot of life was lived there. It's where my heart is. It's where my closest friends live. The weather in Bozeman is incredible. It has mountains, snow and fabulous coffee shops. It's home. And Jesus, just asked me to surrender the place and people I love so much. 

I ignored the voice of Jesus and turned up the volume of my worship music on my iPhone. And the shuffle playlist hit these lyrics,

"A day without You is a thousand years. A day without You is a million tears. Tell me why do I run when I am in fear? Why do I run when You are so near? Spending my life out in the weather. Been gone so long and I need some shelter. I just want to be closer to You. I just want to be closer. I am Yours. You can have all of me. Anything, everything. I just want to be closer.

Wherever You go.
Wherever You are.
I just want to be there with You." 

("Closer" by Shawn McDonald)

I was telling Jesus, that I just want to be closer to Him. That I would do anything to be closer to Him. Yet I was turning the cheek on Him when He asked me to deny myself, and pick up the cross, to follow Him. 

Hypocritcal? Yes.

And that night at worship, the worship leader said before communion, "what is God asking you to commit to?"

Again, Jesus?! I thought I could keep ignorning the pounding of His Spirit upon my heart. 

But His Spirit, weighing heavily upon me, broke me to pieces. As I gave Him pieces of my heart that I hadn't given Him before, 

I gave Him Bozeman…

And I gave Him the next 3 years. 

And as Christin came over to pray with me, I felt shattered as I told her the decisions I had made and that it felt like I was grieving a death. It turns out, that Jesus does in fact say in Luke 9:23-24, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to lose his life for my sake, he is the one who will save it."

I'm still broken and on my face and in need of His grace and mercy like never before. My plans, my ways are shattered before the very throne of the living God. He's told me that He is going to make something beautiful out of me.

That my story is becoming His story. 

And as I don't know what this means, I know that He's got me. 
I know that I am inadequate, but Jesus will give me just enough strength each day.

For all I know, He could very well lead me straight back to Bozeman. But now it's His decision and not mine. 

Mr. Beaver, a character in The Chronicles of Narnia says this of Aslan as Lucy asks about Aslan's character, "Who said anything about safe? 'Course He isn't safe. But He's good. He's the king I tell you."

Jesus isn't safe. But He sure is good. Afterall, He IS the King.