I sit here at my dining room table in front of my computer, my hands resting on the keys, with the feeling I’ve become familiar with but still shocked with every time.
This is the last time.
The last time eating that midnight bowl of cereal.
The last time I see that friend or that friend.
The last time to drive the car. Last time in that spot.
Last time in my bed.
In those clothes.
That coffee shop.
Last this activity or that routine.
The last time to hug my grandma. What?
I’ve said goodbye a few times now, since this will be my third escapade into world missions with Adventures.
It’s kind of causal, almost easy.
Suck in that tear.
Let go of the hug.
See ya when I come back.
Put that thing away.
And walk out the door.
It hasn’t really been hard for me badly before, because I knew leaving was my season and I was ready and didn’t really feel that art of missing so much.
Things feel different this time. This time I’m really feeling the missing.
Last couple times I’ve had to leave when friends needed me for those moments in their lives, and I couldn’t be there, and I was okay. This time I’m leaving those I think I need or those I’m trying to hold onto or be there for. And I can’t. I have to leave them.
And I wonder if that one last time is the last time. The actual one. The one I will never get back.
Did I hold on long enough?
Should I have cried more?
Did I do the right thing?
Is this what I’m supposed to be doing?
Should I have made more time for things, for that person?
Did I prepare well?
Am I truly ready for this?
Again. Again. Again.
It’s doubt. It’s fear. It’s unknown and uncertainty. It’s holding onto what we want and who we want. It’s not wanting the seasons to change in one instance, but the next you want every table to turn.
And it’s life.
We weren’t promised moments forever. We weren’t promised every season would feel good or not be hard.
I tried my best. I do try my best. Dying to myself and letting go.
And sometimes that’s all you can do.
Everything has purpose, and every moment a season.
A season to hold on.
A season to let go.
A season to go away.
A season to come back.
“Trust Me.”
But it’s hard to trust Him when you want to hold on one more. Just one more.
Maybe the doubt of going is telling me “not enough.”
Maybe the fear of failure is telling me stay.
This coming and going gets rough. It’s get weighty and heavy while carefree. Seeing the corners and shambles of parts of the world gets hard to see and hard to carry.
You never walk alone.
We’re called in this life of following Jesus to risks and hard things and brokenness and leaving and changing and growing.
And every time I leave it’s a growing season of what it means to grieve — like healthy grieve — not just grieving like of death, but of change.
Grieving the leaving. Grieving that last time.
Grieving the growing older & the growing up.
Grieving the struggles.
Grieving the past.
Grieving the letting go & the moving forward into change.
And that’s perfectly okay. We need more moments to grieve those things, and God wants us to feel those things fully so we can keep going more freely.
And once you grieve it, you keep moving forward. And you keep following, obeying, and showing up anyway. Take that breath, and then jump in. Knowing when to hold the season, and knowing when to let it go.
Hold on as long as you can.
But the train is still moving.
And you’ll have to let go to keep going.
To leave home again and again.
You can’t grow standing still or staying put. You have to go and break.
It is hard for me to leave. Even though I’ve left comfort before, I’m leaving it again. Even though I’ve left my family and friends before, I’m leaving them again. Even though I’ve experienced spiritual warfare before, experiencing it again and again still terrifies me. Even though I’ve been sick before, I don’t want to get sick again. Ya get me?
It’s hard. BUT. I know, I KNOW, what God has done when I’ve left before, He can do again. He won’t leave me alone or as I am, and I trust He will take care of all the things I’m leaving behind in this season.
It’s my season again to go. So I have to keep going, growing, and not staying still. Feel the leaving, but go. Feel the fear, but go. And one day the season will end, and I’ll be home again. And He will take care of me just as He always has before.
YO YO YO!
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PLEASE keep me, my team, and Gap P in your prayers — I head to Gainesville, GA to the office for training, then we’ll head to ATL where then the squad arrives to launch on Sept 7. We fly to India the 12th. wow WoW WOW. Like how India. Pray for our hearts as we begin, to banish all fear, and to walk in confidence.
You are so loved. Thanks for following the journey.
Your Em.
P.S. – If you want to support me financially, you can click the ‘Donate’ or ‘Contact’ me if you have a specific request for what I may use it for (like flights, debriefs, gear, etc)!
